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Hi all, I posted some things introducing myself on the adoptees support forum. Anyhow, I am in my thirties and recently found my birthmother. She lives a few hours away, we have a lot in common and we've been emailing every other day for a month or so now. We're planning to meet this summer.
My adoptive mom has always given me her blessing for searching but then when all this happened she became very sad. When we got together she would cry every time she started talking. I've reassured her and I can only understand how she might feel, but it is causing me to have difficult feelings now because I feel guilty. And I don't think I should, but I do.
How do I go about navigating this with her? I want to support her, but I need to do this.
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All you can do is keep telling her she is still mom by both words and actions. Remind her that in 10/20 years she will look back at this time and wonder how she could have had fears... Mothers Day is coming up - do you have the resources/availabilty to do a special day or weekend just the two of you? Having said the above - you are not doing anything wrong, it is natural and normal to want to know your other mother. If you are doing it with grace and dignity then you have nothing to feel guilty about. Kind regards,Dickons
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Chickadee202
Hi all, I posted some things introducing myself on the adoptees support forum. Anyhow, I am in my thirties and recently found my birthmother. She lives a few hours away, we have a lot in common and we've been emailing every other day for a month or so now. We're planning to meet this summer.
My adoptive mom has always given me her blessing for searching but then when all this happened she became very sad. When we got together she would cry every time she started talking. I've reassured her and I can only understand how she might feel, but it is causing me to have difficult feelings now because I feel guilty. And I don't think I should, but I do.
How do I go about navigating this with her? I want to support her, but I need to do this.
Reassure her that you are not in any way trying to replace her, and that your bmother could never do that. Your mom is your mom and always will be. However, the reality of being adopted is that there is this other part of your family, and it is very normal to want to be connected to them as well. All you're doing is expanding the limits of what is your family, not bringing someone else into the role of mom. It might help her if you use the parallel of in-laws. When you got married (which I know you did because you referred to your husband in another post), you acquired a mother-in-law. The term "mother" is part of her title, but she has a completely different role than your mother. Same with your bmother. If your mom isn't threatened by your mother-in-law, she has no more reason to be threatened by your bmother or by your developing relationship with her.
You have nothing to feel guilty for and are not responsible for your amom's feelings. These are feelings she will need to work through. Of course, reassure her that you are not trying to replace her and that her place in your life and in your heart is not going to be diminished. But beyond that, there is nothing much you can do and to go further than that would be taking responsibility for her feelings. I would also not let the tears manipulate you into feeling so guilty that you let it affect developing a positive relationship with your birthmom. Otherwise you can end up with resentment and that is worse, IMO than guilt, which there is no reason for in the first place.
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