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Hi all,
I'm a birthmother, looking for advice from adoptees on how to approach my daughter. She just turned 18 and is graduating high school in early June. I'd like to prepare a nice "info packet" to introduce myself a couple weeks afterward.
The whole story is here: [url]http://forums.adoption.com/birthparent-support/387847-need-guidance-open-closed.html[/url]
In my ideal world, this packet of info will be in her hands, and she will decide whether now is a good time to communicate.
Please tell me - what does a stressed out 18 year old want to hear?
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Tell her that you love her and you never stopped thinking about her. You just want her to know you are well and answer any questions she might have. Send her one really great picture of you. Just a teaser. Don't drop the whole bomb.
Despite improvements in education of the public, agencies, birthparents, and prospective adoptive parents, many adoptive parents still choose to see the issue of searching and birthparents in general, in terms of loyalties, gratitude, and their own success or failure as parents. Removing the option to search allows them some measure of comfort, control, and power.
She may feel guilt for this, but everyone wants to know something.
I agree with littlewanderer -- don't dump too much on her at first. Mostly just let her know who you are and that you're there if she wants to be in contact with you, and that you're open to whatever level of relationship she wants (if that's true) and you'll try to truthfully answer any questions she has. And, of course, let her know how she can contact you.
Then step back and give her whatever time she needs to process it all and decide whether and how to get in touch with you. Hopefully that will be a short wait (because the waiting is the hardest part), and she'll come to you with an open mind and an open heart.
Good luck!
Agree with the others. Just some general info and a picture or two to start. I know when I found my bmom, whatever questions I had left my brain along with my sense of reason, just temporarily. Your mere existence is now a reality, and it can be mind boggling. (and in my case, it was a fantastic feeling) Most of us have filled in the blanks over the years and have an idea of "who" you are. When reality sets in, it takes a bit of time to adjust to the new reality, no matter how much better it is!! At her age, she's changing so many realities (hs to college, maybe leaving home, new friends etc... she may need baby steps)