Advice from adoptees as to what they need to hear from bmom

Let her lead the way on that one. I think you should tell her she was definitely wanted, if you feel the need, but the rest of it may be a bit much at the start. Even at 43, even knowing the circumstances of my birth (in general) before reunion, it's hard to shake that "not wanted" feeling. Logic can rule, but the heart still has a hard time accepting at times. (not that I dwell on it, or even think about it often. I think our brains at a very young age come to that realization, and it's hard to rewrite that script)I think we want to know we weren't forgotten, and that we were important.

I am still waiting to hear the things from my bmother that my heart wishes she would say. I can share with you the things my bmother said to me that I would have preferred she didn't. I was talking with my bmother about the book Primal Wound that I recently read. I was hoping that she might read it too for perspective. When I mentioned the infant/mother bonding that occurs in the womb my bmother replied "well, I didn't bond while pregnant with you as I wouldn't allow myself to"....not a good thing to share, even if she feels that way.:( Also, I was the one who had initiated contact with my bmother (my adoption was closed). She later shared with me that the reason why it took her over two weeks to call back once I had contacted her parents (my grandparents) was because she wasn't sure she wanted contact. She said it was her father that finally said to her "I am going to meet your daughter.....are you coming with me or not?"....again I really didn't NEED to know that. I can only speak for myself but the types of things I wanted/needed to hear from her was that she truly loved me and thought of me often. The rejection issue is so hard for adoptees (as the previous poster mentioned). I was also interested in the who, what, when, where and whys of her/my circumstances but I think it is a good idea to maybe "filter out" some of the comments that might be hurtful to the adoptee (such as the examples of what my bmother shared with me above). I wish you the best in your relationship. I think the fact that it was open from the start will help (at least I hope it does). Love, patience and understanding will go along way.:flower:

Ditto to what the others have said. Even at age 19, I'm not sure giving her every, single, intimate detail is a good idea. Stopping those feelings of being unwanted, or truly understanding why we were given up, well, I think it's something we, as adoptees, have to work out for ourselves. The thing is, no matter what you say, or what we understand, there's, for some of us, that loss, and it just hurts our hearts. It's our grief over what cannot be. Answer her questions as truthfully as you can, reassure her just how much you love her and will be there for her, and listen to her without allowing your own feelings to make you feel defensive, and without , how to put this, trying to justify that all was for the best? For some of us, even though that might have been the case at the time, it doesn't make it hurt any less. I hope this makes sense. As an adoptee, for me at least, the more questions that I found answers to, the more questions that arose. My birthmother was unable to be honest with me, or really open up, talk, much less listenIt made for a very painful and frustrating relationship. . My birthfather was fairly open and honest in answering my questions. Even if I didn't like his answer, I found comfort in them in time. It, sometimes, takes time for the answers to our questions to sink in, so patience is good too. Whatever an adoptee feels about their relinquishment is something you have no control over, no matter how good your intentions were. That's why I'm saying, if the answers make her sad, angry, or whatever she feels, keep in mind, it might be that she is just grieving for something you or she may not even know or understand for now. Hope this makes sense. It's sometimes hard to put the feelings into words.

I won't ever have the answers I am looking for, but like the rest, I do know some of the circumstances surrounding my placement. I wouldn't go into things that you may think would be hurtful unless she wants to go into those things. I recently found out from my first sibling that I am in reunion with that our mom thinks I may not be hers. Well he and I both know the truth, but I really didn't ever need to know that. However, it does confirm to me that my place probably damaged her beyond repair. Just think long and hard and think about information before you give and how you think you would react if you heard information.

When you feel like she is mature enough understand the words you express to her(only because I don't know how old she is) then telling her exactly what is in your heart. When you said "The reality is that I have regretted my decision every day from the beginning and wish that I would have had the confidence then that I could have raised her successfully myself" is an honest feeling about the reasons and it comes from your heart. Just be mindful of her feelings and sensitive with your answers, just being honest will always work out better than just telling her what you feel like she needs to hear. Give her time and when she feels like she is ready she will have her arms and heart open to you as a dear friend.

Like the rest I say (trite as it seems) the honest facts are the best. Let her know whatever she asks about as honestly as you can. Let her know most of all that you loved her enough to do what you thought was best for her then and love her enough now to answer any questions to the best of your ability. Let her meet your family. Tell her about her heritage (I do not know what nationalities I come from and feel a bit "fake" - not real - because of that). Let her take the lead and answer even if it is hard for you. She needs her past. MJM

My advice as an adoptee is honesty, honesty, and more honesty. Whether she knows it or not, there is an inherant mistrust of her with you (as I personally believe is there for all adoptees who haven't reunited and built a solid foundation) and even the slightest inkling of dishonesty is going to damage the releationship. I don't know this young lady and where she is in her life or her maturity level, but at 19, she is selfish as all teenagers/early 20s kids are. Make your relationship all about her. If she wants to know about you, she'll ask. Tell her and be honest. If she asks something that could be sensitive, do not dance around and give some runaround, it will be seen as dishonesty. Be honest, tell her it could be a sensative story and prepare her and give the option to learn about it later if she chooses. Rememer, this is your blood and there is a lot of similarities in your attitudes that nurture cannot overcome the base nature. Follow your heart with what is right to share when. But, you also can't let her be your path to fight whatever demons you are working through. I have spent 23 years working on this. I am hopefully getting closer to contact with my birth mother. Personally, i want to know everything - good, bad, pretty, ugly. But I am 40 and have been preparing a long time. You need to get a read on her ability to handle and cope, and, as I said earlier, go with your heart. Hope this helps. Jonathan

The truth is ugly and painful, but it is the truth. We may not like it, but we can not deny it. The truth shall set you free. wanting to know you has nothing to do with loyalty to the other mother. Like having another child means you love your other child less. It is nonsense and a myth.