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I am new here...first time posting...
My husband and I were privately matched through a friend with a 15yo who was scheduled to give birth mid April. Bmom came over and we talked every other day from week 33 until this past Saturday. Bmom gave birth last Wednesday to a beautiful baby boy so on Thursday my husband, my 3yo bio son and I made the drive to her home state. Friday we went and met "our son" as he was presented to us. Bmom and baby were scheduled to be released from hospital Saturday morning. Got a call from bmoms mother late Friday night stating that bmom is changing her mind because 18yo bfather has magically appeared and they (18 & 15) are going to parent. My husband and I had custody of the baby since consents were signed on April 6th. Saturday bmoms mother asked me to go to the hospital with her to talk to bmom about the decision and see if she would change her mind. Bmomms mother knows that adoption is the right thing decision but does not know what to do (and still today thinks this way). Bmom is set in her ways and wants to parent. Bfather finally tells his family about the baby and his mom is in shock and wants the baby if he doesn't but her husband does not want anymore children. Well bmom and baby get released from the hospital and even though we have custody our lawyer tells us to leave him and we will see what happens. We stayed in bmoms state until Monday. Bmom and bfather want to sign revocation papers but have not done so yet. Ou lawyer is requesting a "just cause" hearing to see if a judge will allow the adoption to continue even with the revocation. We have a leg to stand on our lawyer says due to the gparents ages now 15 & 18 and them not being able to parent the child without 100% dependence on others. The bfather is going to also face legal action due to their ages.. My husband and i are devastated at the whole situation. The bmom even had the child circumcised for us where as in her family they do not do that. She would not have done that had she planned on keeping him. We are just lost, don't know if we have a leg to stand on or if we should just walk away. Any advice would be really appreciated. This is just all so fresh. Baby is 1 week old today and he was take from us 4 days ago.
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I'm a bit confused (and others might be too) with regards to the consents and the revokation....so, to clarify, the baby was born at the end of April, and both Mom and Dad signed prior to birth on April 6th? What consent was this? Was it TPR? What state are you in?Some of these might help people providing you some advice.
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First off, I want to say I'm so sorry that your going through a failed placement. We went through a failed placement and know how hard that is. That being said, I think it's probably a good time to step back a little. Try and somehow move the pain of feeling like you lost a child out of your brain and think about the situation from an objective stand point. If this young mother/father wants to parent their baby and you somehow successfully over turned their revocation, could you live with that for the rest of your life? Would you want to? They may be young, yes and they may struggle to take care of their baby. But, at this point it's not your place to intervene. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. But, it's true. This is their baby. And this is their parents grandbaby and regardless of age (to a point I suppose) they should be able to take this child in if they want. Failed adoptions are so difficult. We pour so much of ourselves into a little unborn life and envision bringing them home, but the reality is until they're home past the revocation period we're at risk of this happening. Think of the hole you feel in your heart now from having him for just a few days and then imagine what that hole must have felt like for his biological mother having carried him for 9 months. That's what helped me to resolve my feelings of anger and betrayal. Putting myself in the other set of shoes.
My advice is, if they want to parent, then you need to let go.
Things will get better. It may not seem that way now, but they will.
Adoption should be a choice freely agreed upon by both parents as something they can commit to permanently after the child is born. They decided they wanted to parent. All the other issues are theirs to deal with. Please don't fight these parents for their child just because you have a legal leg to stand on. Let this family move forward as they have chosen to do and know that there are many people here who have been through failed matches who can empathize with and support you through the pain and disappointment of this.
I'm so sorry for your loss. We were matched with an expectant family who decided to parent, and it's heart breaking. Did I wish they'd change their minds? Absolutely. Did I feel angry, disappointed, hurt? Of course. Had I already started thinking of this baby as MY child? I'll admit, even with all I'd learned from the wonderful posters on here, I let myself forget that this baby was THEIR baby until they signed relinquishment and the revocation period was over. As hard as it was for me, I think I had an even harder time thinking about how heartbroken my husband was and my parents were (this would be their first grandchild). But the family had every right to parent. We wouldn't have had any sort of case to fight it, but I do not believe I would have even if I thought we might "win." I wouldn't want to have to explain that to my son/daughter later.
If I'm understanding this thread correctly, the baby boy is 7 days old and has been in your home for 3 days. How in the world were consents signed by the parents before the child was even born?? I know there are 2 or 3 states that allow pre-birth relinquishment...but that is barbaric, IMHO. Mothers often change their minds once their babies are born.
Please, whatever you do, don't fight these young people in court if they've revoked their consent to the adoption. Yes, they're quite young and will need some help from extended family members...but it's their right to raise their own child if that's what they want to do.
Being a teen mom and dad doesn't automatically mean the child will grow up neglected or be poverty stricken. A close family friend of my parents was only 15 when she discovered she was pregnant way back in 1955 or 1956. Kathy and Jack (he was 18, btw) got married before Steve was born. Jack went to work as a firefighter for San Diego County...and eventually rose pretty high up in the SDFD hierarchy, along with a very good salary. They had another son two years later, and they were one of the happiest families I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Kathy and Jack finally did end up getting divorced, though...after 30 years of marriage.
I'm sorry for the loss you're feeling right now. I know that it sucks big-time. One thing I'd like to mention, however, is the possibility that they will change their minds again. There was a member here a few years ago who went through a similar experience as you. But she decided to keep on friendly terms with the young mom, offering her any emotional support she needed. She also flew out of state to be with the young woman during labor and delivery. Long story short...several months later, the mom changed her mind. She decided to relinquish her rights and consent to adoption. So the member I'm referring to ended up adopting that child afterall. :)
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To answer the first question the adoption is in NY. The birthnparents signed a consent to adopt that went through the courts before the child was born.
In response to all of your other posts THANK YOU very much. In reading those and stepping back I feel that I can be objective and look at the situation like that. The birth mothers mom texted me last night and said that her daughter seems happy but she wishes she could just be a normal 15 year old. All I can hope is that the baby is well taken care of and inknow he will be loved.
THANKS again for your advice/input. It means a lot to me.
:hissy: :hissy: :hissy: :hissy:
To answer the first question the adoption is in NY. The birthnparents signed a consent to adopt that went through the courts before the child was born.
In response to all of your other posts THANK YOU very much. In reading those and stepping back I feel that I can be objective and look at the situation like that. The birth mothers mom texted me last night and said that her daughter seems happy but she wishes she could just be a normal 15 year old. All I can hope is that the baby is well taken care of and inknow he will be loved.
THANKS again for your advice/input. It means a lot to me.
:hissy: :hissy: :hissy: :hissy:
I am also very sorry that you are and your husband are going through this. I also agree with all of the other posters. As much as it hurts and as difficult as it is, the baby is theirs unless and until they choose not to parent. Babies become curious children and then become adults. Please think about what it would be like for a baby turned grown up to be told that his parents wanted to raise him but we decided to fight them. It's hard to imagine that an adult -- no matter how great a life he had -- would be ok with that.
I'm not sure where you're getting your legal advice but I live and have adopted in NY and call tell you with 100% certainty that pre-birth consents in NY are illegal and invalid so the lawyer that is telling you that you have a "leg to stand on" is giving you terrible and incorrect legal advice. Not only can birth parents not consent to terminating their parental rights before a baby is born in NY, but there is a 45 day revocation period for legal consents in NY. In other words, even if the birth parents had legally consented to give up their rights (which they did not, since they cannot give up those rights before a baby is born), they have 45 days to change their minds. In the absence of unfitness or abuse, NY courts will not terminate parental rights. Their ages do not automatically make them unfit. Pursuing this legally is just a guarantee of more heartache for you. If you would like the name of an attorney who specializes in NY adoptions -- that's all he has done for 30+ years in NY, please private message me and I will be happy to provide you with the name of one. Good luck in your journey to become parents.
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