Saying 'I Love You'

I kinda think at 6 they need to hear it. Adults get that saying it before they feel it is the way we do it but at her age I think it's just important for her to hear it and feel it. As always JMHO and others may have very diferent thoughts on it :) Good luck!

You need to watch this one very closely! That was how #1 was from out of the gate. I had her in my home for less than a week and a gentleman who lives near me and manages the fencing company i used came to meet me. She was literally hanging all over him "I love you Mr. ___" It was EMBARRASSING. Her behavior was so out of control that to the day she left my nephew would not have anything to do with her, which was disheartening to her in the last 18 months of evolution, because she broke the boundaries so bad with him at the age of 12. I of course having a psych background immediately worried about SA. Attachment wasn't a huge subject when I got my degree. Her counselor never ruled out SA but did indicate a lot of this behavior was consistent with attachment issues. I am afraid I may have been to aggressive about the behavior in the beginning, this was my first placement. But, I continually reminded her that we have to maintain proper personal space with people we do not know and that she was not allowed to hug anyone without asking my permission first. I'd like to say she was fully cured by the time she left two years later, but I know this will always be a major vulnerability and I now know that a lot of it was not just attachment issues but "learned" behavior from her birth mom. "I LOVE YOU" doesn't mean anything to her right now. But, I think she is old enough for you to sit down and discuss it with her. My #1 was only 5 when she came. You mention how you enjoy having her in your home and that you are sure you will grow to love her, but that LOVE is a big word and should not be tossed around loosely. I am sure that you could come up with words. After that I would waste no time getting her evaluated for counseling. I'd like to say that this was enough for me to get #1 counseling but it was not. It wasn't until we had an additional incident 5 months into the placement that I could get her in for counseling. Since this behavior can be representative of both SA and attachment issues, it is really best, imho, for a licensed professional to do an evaluation of her. I would also suggest explaining some of this to FIL and letting him positive reinforce not saying it so much. The good news is that even though #1 wasn't "cured" by the time she left, she was doing significantly better.

We have had our 10 year old princess for 19 days. She does the I love you stuff too, right from the start. Also called us mom and dad from day one and also with the indiscriminate hugs. I too wanted to wait to say it until I meant it, but I personally changed my mind for a couple reasons. One was that I didn't think that in my daughters case, that she would notice when I did say it the first time. I think it would have gone right over her head that it was this big monumental moment, but she sure as heck did notice when I didn't say it. Also, I realized that I did love her from the very first moment I met her. Granted, it was a shallow love. I mean I didn't "know" her, but as a Christian, I felt love for her as a person and as a child. Now I grab every opportunity to say "I love you!" and every time I say it, I mean it a little more and a little deeper, and I notice that it seems to be working the same with her. After almost 3 weeks I now get eye contact with my eye love yous. I am also the one she asks questions of at 11 at night, when all the pain is keeping her up. So for me, that's what's working. God Bless you!

Digmykids- You know I never thought of it that way. I guess I am just trying to be really cautious, and make sure I don't say the "wrong" thing. It's our first time being parents and I really want to be the best parents we can be to her. I really appreciate your advice. It puts it into perspective.

Temporary mom- thanks for the advice! Unfortunately she has experienced SA and we are setting up counseling for her. I think that is why I am nervous about her being affectionate towards Everyone she sees. Wisconsinmamma- thank you also for the advice. As each day goes by I care for her deeply more and more. I think now getting your guys advice, I will start saying it back because I know it's just a matter of time until I truly mean it. Just to be clear- I am falling in love with her, it just takes me time. Thanks so much!!!!!

My kids cling and hang all over people. We started the "nuckle bumps and high five" rule. They can do these things to anyone but we only sit on mom and dads laps and give hugs to only family...blah blah blah. If I see them approaching someone and they lean in for the hug I physically stop them and remind them of our rule. For us it took a while but this is now just the way it is. It worked and it was so simple. Best of luck. Parenting is a crap shoot and you have to figure out what works best for you.

DD came to us at 5 years old. she did this endlessly. Turned out the words DO mean something - even at age 5. They don't mean what they mean to grownups. In J's case they mant the following: 1) I need reassurance 2) I need to know I'm safe 3) I need to know you know I'm here 4) I'm worried your upset and need reassurance that things are ok. 5) I need to ward of potential violence and diffuse the situation 6) I need some affection (hug, words, kiss, anything) Once i figured out what she meant and addressed her needs, the endless "i love you"s trickled to a normal pace

My 5 yr old FD started the "I love you's" within a few days of placement. Honestly, I think she does it for attention and for the reassurance that someone cares for her. My FS (4) says it only at bedtime and asks for kisses and hugs.

YES!!! This is an excellent summary of "why" our kids say 'I love you' ad-nauseum. 'I love you' doesn't mean the same thing to these kids as it does to us. It's OK to say it to meet their needs, even if you don't "mean it" in our adult context...if that makes sense. We actually use the frequency as a barometer of how secure/safe/comfortable J is feeling, it's a pretty good gauge. :) J would also say "you don't love me anymore!" whenever he got into trouble. We pretty much nipped that in the bud by actually spelling out to him "we love you. that has nothing to do with what you are doing right now, or ever. we love you. period." and this actually seemed to help him as he doesn't say that anymore. :) Honestly we don't take it to heart...we'll know he REALLY loves us and is bonded when he says "I HATE YOU!!" for the first time! :D Our FFD, age 3, was a victim of extreme and severe SA and we had to do a lot of reframing and setting explicit rules around personal contact. You can't take for granted that she "should know" anything around relationships and interpersonal interactions. It sounds "crazy" that we had to have a rule that you can only hug someone with permission and ONLY one time per day. Define what is a stranger and how just because we talk to the store clerk doesn't mean they are someone we hug. Other people have a hard time understanding...but she honestly did not learn these social rules through the normal 'osmosis' type of process that other kids do. Be explicit, be clear, be consistant. At 6 you should be able to have a conversation about the who what and why that she can understand...I suggest coming up with a subtle sign or signal that you can give her to remind her of the rules. You might also try holding her hand when greeting and departing from people to retain that subtle control of these interactions. Do a quick standard reminder for her her of the "rules" going into each situation (going to someone's house, getting on the bus, going to the store) or leading up to situations where this will be beneficial. Feel free to PM me with specific questions....I have more experience parenting a child who has been SA than anyone should have due to the extremity of her experiences. :( Hang in there, sounds like you are doing well overall. :)

This! My first thought was it's an attention-seeking behavior. At six she *should* be aware of what this phrase gets her. At her age you could sit her down and explain what the phrase means to you, and how you use it. She may get it, she may not. It's great she will be starting therapy soon. :) Everyone else had great advice with regards to keeping her hugs and kisses to just you and your DH. So, your instincts are pretty darn good. :D

My foster daughters do this as well, pretty much since day 1. I do say it back to them most of the time. At first I said something else but they kept saying it. That's when I decided that they were pretty well loved kids in their previous home (used to hearing "i love you" a lot, had doting parents, aunts, grandpa) and they suffered trauma with this placement (being their first time away from family, littlest one in hospital, etc) so I started saying it back. They are 4 and 6 yrs old. Did I do the right thing? Maybe, maybe not. But honestly, it feels right to me and I don't regret the decision so I hope it does turn out ok.Now, when I had my foster son who was RAD and 8, and only a respite placement, I did not say "I love you" even when he asked me to. I simply told him that love takes time and that I really enjoyed him. I wanted to start with appropriate boundaries and not take anything away from the regular foster family. However, after I did have him for a while (still only weekends), I did tell him that he worked his way into my heart and that I did love him. It also felt right at the time.

My previous little girl had attachment issues - she attached to everybody. She was in my brother in laws lap within seconds of meeting him and told everybody that she loved them. But the interesting thing is that our current little girl is on the other side of the spectrum, and is at the age where she repeats everything you say, except she has refused to say "I love you." I say it to her all the time, but she's never said it back until this month. It was like she somehow knew that it meant something, and she controlled when she would say it. Now she says it occasionally and approriately - which is so sweet to hear!