Just looking for a little advice

Paige, I agree with you. Telling society to shove off and finding the resources to raise your child is hard and also very brave. But I also think that recognizing that you may not be the best parent for your child and relinquishing them can be just as hard and just as brave. Perhaps that is what Mommyforever did with the daughter she relinquished. Why fight over which is harder and who hurts more and who gets to take the trophy home for bravery? It wasn't bravery that led me to keep my daughter instead of place her, it was the horrible pain I experienced at the thought of losing her, in my case, keeping her turned out to be the best thing for both of us. But I have seen it happen the other way, women who didn't place, were not ready to parent, ended up abusing thier kids or letting them be abused by others and then they end up in foster care. that is not brave. I am now raising two of those boys, I could have told you when thier moms were pregnant that this would happen, but they chose to parent and now the boys will be effected for the rest of thier lives. It wasn't bravery that let my oldest son's mom try to raise him, it was her inability to recognize her weakness and put his needs first. Had she done that she would have realized that trying to raise a drug exposed infant when you primary goal is to get high on heroin and meth everyday is not in his best interest. That is not bravery, that is stupidity. However, another friend, her weakness was education, she hadn't finished high school, she didn't have the skills to obtain a job that could support them, she decided to parent, it was the best decision she could make for herself and her son. She was brave, she continued through high school despite the stares, she got her diploma, and she went to college, she is now raising her son with every advantage any any adoptive family could have provided. Watching her do it at 17, it was one of the reasons I chose to parent when I had a crisis pregnancy at 19, I had saw someone else do it and I knew it was possible. I know a really brave girl who recently placed her baby, I thought she should parent and so did her parents, but inspite of the pressures we placed on her to parent (and I now regret) she placed because she felt it was best for her and her child. She told me later she resented the baby while she was pregnant and thought it would get better after he came home. When her feelings hadn't changed two weeks later she knew she had to place. I worry that she will regret that choice later, but I think it was brave to place when she must have felt tremendous pressure from us (her family and I) to parent. I guess I just don't like to see people hating on others for thier decisions when they were not there to see the situation for what it was or what it is. It is good to have options and no one knows what might be a brave decision for one person could be a selfish choice for another. No one has the authority to saw which decision is brave for a given person, just which would have been for you.

That is the point, and why it is best to leave value judgments out of such decisions. I wouldn't want anyone to base their decision on whether or not they or someone else thinks one path or the other is brave or cowardly, selfless or selfish. IMO, those judgments don't have anything to do with what's in the child's best interest and don't belong in that calculation. I am wondering if this discussion is still supportive of the op or if this particular aspect should be moved to a different thread if anyone wishes to pursue it. Thoughts?

I note the OP's last post was 4 months ago, I wonder how she is going. Many of the bmothers on here have said that they wish they had known it was possible. Most of the posters on here seem to be giving the OP advice about the possibilities in relation to her particular dilemma.

It's very interesting that you say you placed a daughter for adoption in 1975, and yet your profile doesn't mention the fact that you're a birthmother, only that you're here to pass your knowledge and experience onto new parents-to-be and that you're a foster parent.

You have a lot to say and I don't have the skills to do multiple quotes, so I'll just say this...I'm not fighting over who gets what bravery trophy. I'm not interested in it. And none of my children would have ended up in foster care. And, I don't "hate" on anyone. I just will continue to point out that manipulative platitudes are harmful. If that makes folks uncomfortable....so be it.

Go Hadley, Go. Start a thread and I will follow!

First of all it is very clear that when you rea]ad the rules and terms of agreement that we aren't going to discuss when life begins. YOU VIOLATE that. I am not saying that you don't have a right to your opinion but rather this isn't a place to discuss it. This is somewhere for a women in need of advice looking to women that have BEEN in her place what their experiences are like and things that go along with the CHOICE of placing a child for adoption. I am no where near as insightful as other birthmother's on here are. I hope I am not stepping over a line here but most of all I encourage you as a woman in a tough position to really look into the nitty gritty details. Also if I am being honest I hope that the admin will take all of this down as it's going into things that don't need to be discussed here. There are a few women on here that have far more time and experience as birthmothers than I do. Some with open adoptions some that placed during the baby scoop era and some that had that ''OPEN" adoption close. I really strongly recommend contacting one of them. If you need a referral to the women I am turning to in my time of need I would be happy to offer just that. Please don't let others tell you this is the only way you can love your child if this isn't the best choice for you. Yes I used the word best. Right is never the word I will use in adoption. Best is all we can do and there is no right or wrong. As a birth mother that was faced with a very tough choice I can say I did try my best and in my case that was an adoption but that may not be the best for you. I am rambling because it's late and as a birth mother I sleep very little these days but I do hope you are able to realize the difference from individuals that are trying to prey on your vulnerable state but rather the advice of other woman who have been in your place.

Done. See "Value judgments" in the Community Center.

Sorry, it is hard to interpret inflection when all you see is words on a page and don't get the non verbal cues you would have in a face to face conversation. I had interpretted your posts in a way that I thought was saying that it was not brave to consider relinquishment and I thought that blanket statement was unfair and untrue. You are right in many respects, manipulative platitudes are harmful, but I don't think that any poster on here was trying to manipulate anyone with thier statements, they were giving opinions and comments from thier individual perspectives. I can see how if you do not agree with thier perspective "relinquishing can be brave" that it would seem manipulative, but on that point we will have to disagree. BTW, I never said any of your children would end up in fostercare, in fact I have never said that anyone on this forums children would have ended up in fostercare, I wouldn't because I don't make value judgement like that about people I have never even met. If you belived I was talking about you I am sorry that my comment was interpretted that way. Many of the women I know that have placed are wonderful moms and would have been able to raise thier children safely and with love, but for one reason or another chose not too. Unfortunately, due to my job (an ER trauma nurse) and various volunteer and mentoring programs I work with as well as my status as a foster parent I have encountered as many women who probably should have at least considered an adoption plan for thier child, and because they did not, their children will suffer the lifelong effects of abuse and neglect, some of it very severe. Thus far it seems to me like the women placing are the ones that I feel could parent and many of the one's choosing to parent are the one's who lack the skills, desire, sobriety or maturity to safely parent, but admittedly my perspective is skewed by my professional encounters as well as my foster care connections.

So very true Mommy2fiveplus!! My DD is a Deputy and I was a ParaEducator and we both said the same exact thing.

I am not a birthmother who placed, I chose to parent, and went on to adopt from foster care a few years later. But, I was the same age as the poster when I had my daughter, and had some of the same struggles. I don't think my insights should be disscounted just because I am not a birthmother. These forums are open to all sides of the triad for a reason, we can learn from eachother, I can't tell you how many things I have learned because someone outside of the foster care forum ventured over to us. It doesn't mean that anyone on here has to take what someone else says as gospel, take in what you want, leave what you don't. To the OP, I try to encourage all the young moms I am working with to try parenting for just a little while if they have any doubts at all, I know it has been months since you have been on here, but I am hoping that all is well and you made a decision that works for you and your child.

Your post, I know it means well, but it's in frustrating how blind it seems to be. Define for me, what is a "best" life for a child? Is it a life with two loving, financially stable adoptive parents, or a life with a poor, single and loving mother who is not supported by her family? The ONLY reason adoption should happen is for those babies whose mothers do not love them due to abuse/drugs/alcohol/mental conditions. And in that case, adoption is not a brave choice, it's not a choice at all, if the child stays with that mother he simply won't live. I'm an adoptee who was raised by well-off and loving family, promising career and I still say that so long as the mother loves her baby, then adoption is unjustified. What other mammals give their babies to other "families" of the same species? It's not natural and it can be severely unhealthy for the baby. It's not a brave or selfless / cowardly or selfish decision. IMO, it's a last resort. Not trying to offend any moms here, that's my opinion as an adoptee, which qualifies me better than the majority of those in the industry who are the ones helping bmoms and amoms decide if adoption is a good idea.

I will agree that you probably have some good insight. I wasn't trying to take away from that more that I found the previous statement misleading and predatory. If you disagree then I will agree to disagree. My only point was don't let someone who is looking to benefit from your situation such as agencies or PAP's try and sway you decision and that is very much how I interpreted the original post. To me I took it just like I did when PAP's would email me their profiles when I was looking at my options. It's frustrating and taking advantage of someone that really isn't in a place to be taken advantage of. Lastly part of the reason that the intent got so dark for me was because she also threw in about life beginning at conception. While she is entitled to that opinion this isn't the place to be throwing that in.

I also included women who have been in your position. You were considering adoption and choose to parent. I would say that is being in that position.

I think the problem also might have been that the PPs were all very careful NOT to say that parenting itself was a selfless, brave decision so that when people came on saying that adoption is a brave decision, it did come across as only adoption being the brave decision. That is how it came across to me anyway.