Stupid Roller coaster

The boys were raised together. They are very close. Brother not ready to initiate contact. Honestly, don't think I could have handled two reunions together. One is hard enough.

If it is any consolation, I recently had my first face-to-face with my son in April of this year, AND I'm going through a divorce! AND I'm peri-menopausal!! YAY!!! The rollercoaster will die down. For me, it was a very, very slow process from the time I got my son's identifying info until the time we started emailing directly, and 6 months later was the phone call and 5 months later was the first meeting. So, I did have plenty of time to process everything and while many would not want to go that slowly, in my case, it worked out well for both me and my son. I do relate to the "let down" part of all this. There is all this anticipation building up to contact and meeting and then it all sort of comes to a screeching halt. But that is life, you know? That level of excitement and "honeymoon phase" cannot last forever, and honestly, why would anyone want it to? The crazy emotions definitely die down. It won't be like this forever (just keep repeating that over and over!!). And welcome!

Thank you! I just hate the Stupid Roller Coaster. I was beginning to worry that it was going to be like this forever. I know, I know, patience. And trust. And not being in my 40s! All virtues I need to obtain. I just HATE suspense. Always have. I read the first two chapters of a book, read the end, then go back and read the middle. And this is nothing but suspense. I just want to know how it's all going to turn out. Deep, deep down, I do have a peaceful feeling from above that all is going to be fine. But still.... that stupid roller coaster. I don't know which part is worse, the "click, click, click" of climbing the big hill or the drop off. I like the "wheeee" part. But you have to go through so much to get to the wheeee. I do believe, I do believe. But now I did just learn something about myself here due to my posting, both my son and I are "fast track" type people. Well, here it is, zoooooom, honeymoon stage, pullback stage, now real life stage. I just have to understand that he is really busy, and I am in my 40s and crazy. So it does make more sense today. Thank you! So anyway, everyone warns you at 18 not to get a tattoo, that you live to regret it at 40, but this?????? I think the tattoo would have been less painful.

I found there were many aspects of reunion that were more difficult for me than the original relinquishment of my son. I do encourage you to get counseling if you are not already doing so. It has helped me tremendously. Right now, my son is very busy (as most people his age are, with friends, girlfriend, graduate school, work, etc.) and he lives a plane ride away. So he's living his life and I need to live mine. We talk every few weeks, but usually I have to initiate, but that doesn't really bother me. I try to remember how I was at my son's age. I know in my late 20s, I didn't want to be around my mom all that much, so imagine if I had two moms! Yikes! So I give him his space and touch base with him when I feel the need to, and so far that is working for us. I try to be consistent and not worry so much about frequency of communication, but put more emphasis on consistency. My son did call me on Mother's Day which was really sweet, and I think as he gets older and more settled, he will initiate more. I have to say, I'm in a MUCH more settled place since we met and things have calmed down. And although at times I feel like "ok, now what..." I'd rather feel this way, which is more "normal" than like I'm having some kind of teenage infatuation with my own son (ICK!).

JustPeachy you are a VERY wise woman. Thank you so much. I am glad I was compelled to post here. I think in the 15+ years of being on the internet this is one of the few times I have posted. But I was just needing a place where people have the same feelings as me. I am a huge reader and I come to find out that for the most part, I am right on track with all my emotions, but it is so nice to hear from those that have trail blazed before me. Someday I hope to pass the wisdom on. I trust that things will calm down.

Hello Identicaltwins! I placed my son 20 years ago. I wrote him a letter when he turned 18 and he never responded. I was very sad as you can imagine. Just recently my mom got tired of waiting for him so she went to where he works and introduced herself. He said he was glad she came in. He said he wanted to get to know me and be a part of my life and I was just over the moon. I asked him if we could be fb friends and he said yes. I sent him a note and it took him almost 2 weeks to reply. I used to check fb once a day but now I'm on fb almost every hour to see if he has sent me a message. He has only sent that 1 message so far. I just remind myself over and over that he is 20 and a boy. I have nephews his age and they are the same way. Men don't communicate on our time table under the best of circumstances much less when they are 20 and trying to deal with their own emotions surrounding adoption. My son has a full time job and of the 400 friends he has on fb, 397 of them are women. He has a full social calendar and he doesn't seem to have a whole lot of room for one more woman. I hate this darned roller coaster too. When the roller coaster seems too much, just remember that there are a whole lot of us riding in the car right behind or in front of yours.

Hi Gwen, I am in a similar situation as you except I am the adoptee and it is my birthmother that doesn't have the time for me. You see, she was single when we first reunited but about 3 years into our reunion, she met a man and they married. Our relationship/reunion has taken a back seat since then. When I question her about the change she says things like "well...things change! I inherited five more children and a bunch more grandchildren when I married". Important to note that my bmother and her husband are in their mid-late sixties which means all the "children" are grown. I suspect (but can't know for sure because my bmother doesn't talk much about feelings) that our relationship was becoming uncomfortably close for her and she wasn't prepared for that, so her solution was to back away. From a bmother's perspective....do you think that could be or can you offer up any other possibilities??

Belonging- Hi! If your birthmother is in her mid to late sixties then she placed you in an era sometimes called the "babyscoop" era. In those days, girls who got pregnant were sent to maternity homes or to an out of state relative to give birth and plave their babies. They were told to forget about it and move on with their life. Once the adoption happened, no one talked about it any more. Those women were left alone in their grief. No one acknowleged the terrible loss they had suffered. In order to "forget about it and move on" a lot of women supressed any and all feelings surrounding the adoption. It is only when the adoptee comes back into their life that they are forced to deal with all of this baggage that they have been stuffing for decades. Some women have a really hard time with that and they do pull back from the adoptee. You might want to find a book called, "The Girls That Went Away" I'm drawing a blank on the author right now. Hopefully, someone else who is familiar with the book will chime in. The book is about adoption in the era that you were placed in and might give you insight to what your birthmom is thinking and feeling. I have done a lot of grief work and I think I am prepared for the emotions of being in reunion with my son. We will have to see though. You never know when the grief will rear it's ugly head and knock your socks off. I hope you can have a better relationship with your birthmom someday. (((Hugs))) and best of luck.

Hi Gwen72! Welcome to our roller coaster ride. No seat belts allowed!!! Just hang on for dear life. I always anticipated that boys would not be "ready" for reunion at 18-23 years old or even older, so I was patient with that. I did remember what I was like at 18 and knew that my parents were not at the top of my list of importance. Then I figured college and such would be taking up time, rightfully so. I was hoping the boys were enjoying being young. Figured that they really didn't need or want an adoption reunion at their age. I understand that boys are just so different than girls. Come to find out after talking to my son, that he knew for years that looking for me was something he was going to do when he was settled. He told me that I wouldn't have wanted to meet him five years ago at 21. He was just too busy being 21. I understood that, because I anticipated it. I struggle with the whole concept of family. I never had more children, my mom died from breast cancer when I was pregnant and my dad died when I was 30. Lost a sister when I was 15, so by the time I was 30 most of my family had been decimated by loss. So I just don't "get" most of the family things normal people do. I do know that being here has helped, both in just reading other posts and the responses I have gotten to my original roller coaster post. I feel like I am at a place where everyone knows my name. Cheers? People get me here. I get them. Hang in there with your son. 20's are tough. Lots of growing to be done. Just because the government says you are an adult at 18, doesn't mean you are ready to tackle adult issues. Be strong. A lot of these women have been through this before us, so I look to them for guidance. But really, still standing by the fact that the tattoo would have been less painful. Wish someone would have warned me about the enduring pain from this. But I think of my boys, and it helps.

Hello Belonging, I am going to "ditto" everything Gwen72 said. I would read books about that era. I have been reading every book I can find on adoption reunions, and these have offered much insight into pre 1975 adoptions more so that the time period of my relinquishment of 1984. I guess in 1984 we had it so much more "together" (yeah right!). So I agree, read, read, read. The books are out there and are actually very good with giving first hand accounts. Good luck! And you can always ride my roller coaster! We can hang on to each other.

Belonging - a good book: Adoption Separation - Then and now Robinson, Evelyn Gwen72 recommendation: The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade [Paperback] Ann Fessler (Author)

Gwen72 and Identicaltwins, Thank you both for your insight. I agree that "The Girls That Went Away" is a great book, I have read most of it and it helped me see things and try to feel things from the perspective of my bmother. I will have to pick up "Adoption Seperation" and dig into that one as well. Like both of you, I work through a lot of my feelings by reading as much as I can about adoption from all perspectives (to provide balance). I think the main problem with mine and my bmothers relationship is that we are BOTH suffering from the effects of the relinquishment and her reaction of "backing away" feels like rejection all over again to me which is an issue most adoptees struggle with anyway. Gwen72...you mention that just like so many girls in that book, my bmother was probably encouraged to just put the experience behind her and I do know that was true. She was one of seven children in her family and when we reunited and she was introducing me to her siblings and their families, her siblings were shocked to find out that she even had me....they knew nothing of her pregnancy or my birth. Even more amazing was that she actually lived at home with her parents but just hid her pregnancy with big tops....and a girdle she said...ouch for me :( Only nine months after giving birth to me and relinquishing me, she found herself pregnant again (same bfather) but had moved out of her parents home and decided to keep and raise that baby (my full brother). My bmother never married our father. To give an example of how it was never talked about....my bgrandparents never even asked who the father was.....really? wow! Gwen72, you said "Some women have a really hard time with that and they do pull back from the adoptee" which I do think is the case but how can she and I ever have a healthy relationship moving forward if she still wants to keep all the baggage burried? I am currently in counseling to help me work through my feelings and when I mentioned that to her and shared with her that I thought it would be good if at some point we could go together....she seemed receptive to the possibility of that. I know it takes a lot of courage for both the bmother and child to work through all the issues. I really think I am ready for the challenge.....I just hope she is too.

Belonging- I was just wondering how things were going? I hope things are going well with your reunion.

Gwen, Things with me and my bmom are unfortunately about the same. Counseling and reading are helping me understand all the issues from all sides which is helpful. I have spoken with her on the telephone a few times but it seems like I am the one that always has to initiate contact. Not sure if she is hesitant to contact me or what. She does know that I am in counseling. A few times during conversations she has said things to me like "well, I don't feel like I have the right to force a relationship on you" and similar sentiments. That strikes me as so bizarre because I feel like I am the one that has been doing the pursuing. Adoption sure messes with our hearts and emotions for sure. You'd think that after 20+ years of reunion, we would have some of it figured out....but trust me, we don't! Maybe some day............

The roller coaster ride is worth it! I will take the crazy emotions for the most awesome wheeeeeee moments life has to offer.