Despair

Parenting a RAD kid (Reactive Attachment Disordered) is one of the most thankless jobs on earth. Sometimes it just helps to know you are not alone :) So saying that - HECK YEAH - divorce the husband and give yourself a chance at some happiness.How old is your daughter?

Thanks so much for your understanding, Jen. Unfortunately, I cannot afford to divorce my husband because I have been very seriously ill and I don't have a clear idea of how much longer I'll be able to work. Also, I don't have a family--they're deceased--to turn to except one aunt in her 80s who loves me but is thousands of miles away and is in failing health herself. You are so right when you say that sometimes it just helps to know that you are not alone.Maybe the reason you understood me is that you have withstood cancer. I love your statement "I will not die an unlived life . . ." In my best moments, I say something like that to myself.My daughter is 13 and she will be finishing the 8th grade in June.Meg

I have a son exactly the same age (97 and in grade 8). My advice, for what it is worth, is to connect with parents struggling with the same issues in whatever way you can. This is a good start - there are also facebook groups or yahoo groups. Read some blogs so you know you are not alone or going crazy. View yourself as the mother of a child with severe special needs, take care of YOURSELF first. Vent - but vent to parents that GET IT. Surviving these teen years is not easy ... :) so you MUST take care of yourself!!

I agree 100% with Jen. Your sanity demands it. And at 13, she is just in the beginnings of puberty and the emotional CRAP that comes with that, on top of her other issues. I get what you're saying, and hope you find some friends close by who can be supportive. I'm really glad you reached out here, and hope we can all be a source of strength, understanding and hope for you. You are worth more than how you are treated right now.

Thank you, Jen and Bamamom,I'm writing after another night of no sleep and so I hope that what I write makes sense. I think that my daughter might have RAD although she cares very much about her relationships with her peers. The situation with me is that she hates me so much that she will not eat the food I prepare. If I take her to a social event, she walks around hugging all of the other mothers, people she has never met, and yet rejects me. I sometimes wonder if these people think of her as a love starved child. My husband isn't helping. This morning I asked him to leave a little early and he told my daughter that they had to leave early "because mommy's threatening." What I threatened was not to work today unless I could get a few minutes sleep and, for that, asked him to leave a little early in order that I might have a few minutes of solitude, and thus calm. I will surely be called on the carpet by my daughter's therapist for making this request to my husband even though it was out of our daughter's earshot. My husband is very competitive with me. He loves to make me look bad even though I've told him that it is hurting our daughter.In terms of friends, I once had many but they moved away (geographically) or, in a few cases, were so flummoxed by what they saw happening to me or my inability to get together often, that I'm no longer close to them.I live in New York City and I think that I need to find a therapist for my daughter who understands RAD, ADHD and executive function problems in a child, as well as the stress this can cause the rejected mom and a marriage, particularly with a somewhat immature man who is not at all psychologically minded. I've been looking but, so far, I haven't found anyone who works with these problems.I am grateful to have found this board.

Honestly mom, you are a stronger woman than I because i think I would have walked out the door long ago. "Triangulation" is a classic sign of RAD, so is trying to make mom look like a nut case, or being wonderful with all the other women (things like calling friend's mom "mommy" etc) and treating your own mother like crap. Your husband needs to be 100% on board or it will back fire on you totally. I am really, really sorry - the burden you are carrying is enormous. If you can - get yourself to a doctor. Do what it takes to get some sleep, take care of YOURSELF first so you have the fortitude to cope with each day. Things will get rougher through the teen years - you can almost guarantee it.

Sounds like RAD to me. I do understand feeling like you can't afford to leave your marriage and having a husband who's a jerk and contributing to the problem. I don't have an answer for that, but if I had a job, I'd go. You need a therapist familiar with attachment and adoption.

No, answers, but welcome from another mom in the trenches. Honestly after four years of living with RAD, I would not wish this life on my worst enemy. Hmm, well there is a woman in my town who likes to criticize my parenting, hmm, nah, not even her would I wish this life on. (though maybe a week would teach her a lesson!) No real answers, but hugs and welcome and a listening ear (eye?)

Your feelings are very appropriate for parenting a child with attachment issues. Been there, done that, didn't like it! While this may be difficult to hold on to, keep in mind that kids with RAD always direct most of their anger and misbehavior toward their mom. It's not you personally, that she doesn't like, even though it feels like it. It's moms in general. Since she hasn't resolved her attachment-adoption-abandonment-trauma issues, all those unregulated emotions target you. Tell yourself over and over, "My daughter's anger is not about me, even though it feels like it." Yes, you and your daughter need an attachment therapist. And, keep in mind that good attachment therapy addresses executive function issues just by the vary nature of how new, appropriate attachment improves the brain, too. Your daughter needs 2 things: attachment therapy and new therapeutic parenting techniques from you. The window of opportunity is closing due to her age. The older a child is the less potential their is for full healing. On the other hand, I've worked with 14, 15, 16 year olds and seen significant attachment improvement which improves behavior. Now for the sad news... Your daughter will never fully heal with the type of issues that are apparent with your husband. Children with RAD only heal to the level of the strength of their parents' relationship. And you and your husband barely have a relationship. And, he will never be interested in learning the new type of parenting that would need to be implemented in order for her to heal. So, attachment therapy will help your daughter some, it will help you some, but without buy-in from your husband, she will never fully heal. Since you aren't interested in divorcing your husband, just realize that there are then limits on your daughter's ability to heal, attach, and be the best she can be. I don't envy where you are in life. You must feel depressed and demoralized. But, in case this gives you some hope, let me say that I lived through my daughter's RAD and she healed (as a single parent I didn't have to deal with a spouse not being on board). It was hell. She was violent and aggressive, along with being sneaky and passive-aggressive. It took 16 months of attachment therapy, me learning new therapeutic parenting techniques, and sending her to occassional therapeutic respite when her aggression was extra bad. She's now 19 and has just finished her first year of college! It was a long, exhausting road, but she and I made it! My thoughts and prayers are with you. Susan W.

This child has successfully driven a wedge between you and your husband and into your marriage. I agree with the PP's--as long as your husband and your daughter are "the couple" and you're the 3rd person out, progress will be next to impossible, even with the best attachment therapist. I feel the pain in your posts and my heart goes out to you. So very sorry you're having to go through all this.

Does anyone know of a good attachment therapist who can also do family work, preferably a psychologist? Either Brooklyn or Manhattan would work. Thanks so much!