Crazy mom need help with bed time

This post is going to be mostly venting but also looking for any suggestions (or coping ideas) I can try to get our daughter down to bed without a meltdown because I have run out of tricks and ideas. My dd was placed with us just over a year ago. She is 5 and we are her third foster placement and are in the process of adopting her. When she was first placed with us she just cried a lot at bed time. I worked to get a routine underway and she started immediately struggling with it. We could have a meltdown at any point of the bed time routine. I rearranged the schedule so that all we have to do at bed time is to read stories and get to sleep. The meltdowns stopped for things like bath time, getting into PJs, etc and were consistently at bedtime - either when it was time to start reading books, or just after when it was time to lay down. Her meltdowns are very energetic and defiant usually coupled with fits of rage, hitting, kicking, biting, scratching both mom and dad. It will start with her refusal to get or stay in bed. She will just kind of wander defiantly and finally pick her distraction. Often it is something dangerous like trying to do flips off the bed or trying to jump up and grab the ceiling fan, other times it is just playing with her toys in defiance. The whole time she is making comments, some under her breath and others shouted loudly like "You aren't the boss of me," I can do whatever I want," "you'll never be my mommy and daddy," etc. I have tried ignoring her until she falls asleep while playing, but she will literally follow me around the house holding onto my arm, leg, shirt or anything she can find to keep me from doing something else. If I try to read she tries to take my book, if I try to just sit she will try to pry herself under my legs or keep pushing, flicking, poking, or anything else she can think of to illicit a response. I try to keep my tone of voice normal and calming and I am mostly successful although sometimes I think there must be flames coming out of my head or steam coming out of my ear, because after about 30 minutes I have had it and even with a calm voice I think my frustration must be written all over my face. This is usually when my dh will suggest I take a break in the bedroom. If I totally remove myself she by shutting myself in my bedroom (I try not to do this but sometimes mommy needs a time-out too) she will freak out and pound and scream at the door and then turn her sights towards Dad. She goes directly to hitting and kicking him until he has to call me out to help. The same thing will happen if I need to excuse myself for a restroom break mid-meltdown. I cannot put her in time out, because she will not go. (We do a modified time out at bedtime where I lie next to her during timeout and she can snuggle with me or a stuff animal). Once started it is very difficult to stop the raging which can last anywhere from 30-60 minutes or more and sometimes will have more than one start/stop. And if we have to hold her to keep her or us safe she will scream "You're hurting me" or "you're making me cold/hot" or "I want only mommy/daddy." The only things that consistently stop the rage are when someone gets hurt, or someone comes to the door and rings the doorbell, or when she decides she is done. Once she decides to be done she will lay down and fall to sleep within minutes. She was improving for a while but it has been getting worse over the last few months. Things that worked before, do not work now. They might distract momentarily but I end up with a second rage to deal with most times. Some of the things we have tried: Adjusting bedtime - both earlier & later Cutting out story time Distracting her by talking about something else Ignoring her Staying with her until she falls asleep Moving her bed into our room Having her try to fall asleep on the couch while we read Deep breathing exercises Mock tantrums - let her take it out on a pillow or kicking against the mattress for a timed period Pushing against the wall or each others hands Stroking her hair or back Reassuring her Having her repeat with us that this is her home and she never has to move with another family again. Positive reinforcement for good behavior - praise Negative reinforcement for undesirable behavior - like taking the toy she is trying to play with (or hit me with) Giving her control over as much of the bedtime routine as I can - she picks PJs, books etc. And the list goes on.... Many things will work once or twice, but then never work again. I should probably also mention we all go to weekly therapy sessions that are attachment based and she has a diagnoses of PTSD. And after she feels genuinely bad, so much that it reminds of of what an abusive spouse might sound like after hitting his wife. And she was exposed to domestic violence repeatedly. And not unlike many other parents I have heard from she is an angel at school and even for us 90% of the time she is a very loving, cuddly, fun kiddo. Although day time defiance at home is on the rise over the past months, it is nothing like bed time when she freaks out. I am tired, beat up, stressed out, feeling like an awful mommy for getting mad and not sure what to do next. Right now I'm just trying to survive one night at a time. But my kiddo is getting bigger and stronger and faster......and I am not! And I would really love a glass of wine to relax after the storm, but I won't for fear I might hold her too tight, or have it lessen my ability to keep might emotions in check should she come back for round 2. I do herbal tea instead which is great, but some evenings I really miss being able to have a glass of wine!!!!