B mom found by son's wife; handled all wrong

I agree somewhat with the above post. However, I am shocked that bmoms have no interest in the Amoms. My son, I'm sure, doesn't know what to do now. I am sure he is running from the situation. It's hard for him b/c he has always came and talked to us, her not knowing. I had surgery in Nov., and quite frankly, am the one who always stays on top of things and works out any family issues. This one, I was so sick, my son would come over, but we didn't get into the wife much. She's pregnant now, something she promised the son wouldn't happen. Her pill didn't work for the first time in 3 yrs is what she said. So I really don't want to try to sit her down and having a reasonable discussion, being that she doesn't know how to have one - and being pregnant. So now my son is in a tailspin. I know him, and he doesn't know what to do! However, I am sure he knows that I am smart enough to see when the Bmom is posting on the wife's myspace, right by my posts! I assume he knows that this wasn't a right way for us to find out, his siblings, too. If he wanted to keep it private, he should have. I haven't approached the subject yet, trying to think it all through. I honestly have been nothing but nice to this woman. Her mother is very bitter, and I think she is tainting the daughter. My son is at fault by not taking charge himself, and being that our family talks about everything, even having another birth mom for Thanksgiving and other holidays, we are very open people. I am just very hurt. When I text him, he talks about everything, but if I ask him something he doesn't like, he ignores me. Nice, huh?

No-one is saying that bmoms have no interest in amoms. However, surely you can understand that a bmom's first priority is the adoptee and that they may want to get to know us first without interference. Often it is left up to us, the adoptee, to decide when/if bfamily meet afamily. In my own family situation, I have met bfamily but have not yet introduced them to afamily - it will happen when it happens (I am only in contact with extended family, bmother has passed away). With my younger abro, he has been in contact with his bmom for 20 years - none of us have met her. I believe that to be his choice. I have no idea if his bmom was interested in meeting our mum but I have no doubt she would have been interested in at least hearing about her.

I totally have an interest in my DD's mom. Most b-moms do, so I'm not sure why you think otherwise. Just because she isn't seeking you out doesn't mean she has no interest. Who's to say that your son's b mom hasn't asked about you? Again, I don't think I'd be eager to jump into the family dynamic without being encouraged to do so, even if they were the Waltons :) My b-daughter would have to navigate that for me. You mention your DIL again, but have you tried to talk to your SON about the reunion? Have you called him and had a frank, open mother/son chat with him about what you know?

I agree with browneyes about talking to your son, with the emphasis on frank and open. You will need to listen to him though, not just have him listen to you.

I think you need to separate the two key issues here, because they're getting wrapped up in each other, when in reality, they are not as intertwined as you see them. You have an issue with your son's wife. and You have an issue with your son's first Mom. I think that these should both be addressed and recognized for the separate issues that they are. I don't have any great advice for you with your son's wife, except to say that I think you need to speak with her/your son. Letting it build up will only compound the issue. And you have a grandchild on the way to consider. Speak openly and candidly with your son about your concerns, wants, etc. Sit him down and talk to him one on one. Share your feelings, but understand that he needs to be able to make his own decisions and stand up for them. (Whichever direction that takes him). As for your son's first Mom, (and in the interest of full disclosure - I'm a first Mom) her not contacting you does not mean that she doesn't respect you, isn't interested in you, etc. There are a million different reasons that she may not have contacted you. She could be scared, intimidated, nervous, shy, worried, the list goes ON AND ON. You've mentioned several times that she used drugs. Perhaps she's clean and is ashamed of her past? Afraid to contact you because of your preconceptions about her based on who she used to be? Bottom line: There are MANY reasons that she may be reluctant to contact you, that are very different that the conclusions that you're jumping too. And, as others have posted, it could just be that she's focused on reunion with your shared son, and is working on that as her top priority in this situation. I wish the best for you all, and hope that you can have some open and honest conversations soon. :flowergift:

No, I haven't talk to my son- everything was fine until I saw her posting on my DIL's page. When I call him now, no answer. that's why I say he's avoiding. I guess I don't understand a in family in that shared everything, with very open discussions, why knowing your bmom would be kept a secret. But, that's just my side of it. i would have, as an amom, much rather experienced the joys of it with him, rather than to see it (and SHE knows I've seen it) on myspace. i think that's a cruel way for a amom to find out, where I would of been happy about it otherwise. No, my son is avoiding me, sending text,,,, just too busy with work and school, and making excuses rather than talking to us. So, for us, what could of been happy, turns hurtful.

I hope you can find a way to connect with your son on this. I would also encourage you to talk to adoptees about why they have kept reunions from their families so that you can hopefully gain some understanding from some folks that have lived the other side of the coin.

My son and I talked constantly until the day I saw the post... now he will text and say he's busy, but avoids talking to us, which hurts to. I know she instigated the situation- probably with not the best of motives, but he is totally avoiding us now. It's so hurtful, we would be very open to it, and a very open family. BUT, the way we are being treated is not nice. IF you were going to communicate of myspace, shouldn't she or he have mentioned something to the rest of the family? I guess the good part for the bmom is I never told him all the negatives of the situation, and I've seen her on other sites claiming a totally different situation; so I guess she can paint it the way that is best for her, and that just might be the best for him. I can't help by being hurt and the DIL basically slinging it in my face. son doesn't use internet much, may not even know.

Though I am sure one day my extended bfamily will probably meet members of afamily, I want to get to know bfamily first. I also don't want my afamily judging my bfamily or vice versa. I feel that if afamily said negative things about bfamily, it would be like they were judging me as well because I am genetically of that family. If bfamily said negative things about afamily, then it would be like judging me as well because I've been brought up with that family. So I want to make sure I know where I stand with bfamily before they ever meet. To be honest, it may happen this year, it might never happen, it depends if they are ever in the same area. I will admit that if my bmother was alive and had made contact and things had gone well, I would definitely have introduced her to afamily although even then, I might have spent a month or two at least to get to know her. However, it is a bit different with my being in contact with uncles/cousins only. Btw one of b/uncles did want to "friend" my abro on facebook. I felt bad because I suspected my abro wouldn't like that so I had to tell my b/uncle that my abro didn't really want him as a FB friend as he didn't know him, so that was a bit awkward. I can imagine that others on here have had far more awkward situations between afamily and bfamily so it is better to get to know your bfamily a bit first before inviting them to meet. Btw to me, this is very telling. You have more or less implied here that YOU want to meet bmother first, even before your son gets to meet her. Why? If my amom had suggested that, I would have told her where to go. I know you said your son agreed with you but it does sound like he may sometimes agree with you just to make peace.

the reason I wanted to find her for him was this-I just wanted to make a few calls, see where she was at and how she was, for she was a drug addict. She gave my son up when he was 6 months, he was nearly starved and neglected. I just didn't want my son to have a big shock or heartbreak with it, for I've not told him these things yet. He never wanted to discuss it, I tried - but probably would have sugar coated it, too. I would like for an adopted adult to tell me why he wouldn't tell us, yet, she's putting it out there. Not a nice way to find out. As I've said, his mind is already blown, she promised no babies, and boom! So he's got more on his plate than he can handle already - his emotional level is immature, his IQ low.I guess I don't understand why an adult child wouldn't discuss it with an open family like we have his siblings, all positive. I may have not explained the situation well, but, we're not getting the nice end of the stick here.

Your first post says it all to me. You wanted to find your son's first mom and get to know her before your son does. I'm speaking as an adopted adult here.... I wouldn't have told my amom a thing if she would have treated me like a child. You are basically trying to screen this relationship. Your motives may be pure, wanting to protect his feelings, but it doesn't come across that way. I'm also a first mom and as far as owing my child's mom anything, I don't. Because of the choice I had to make, she got to be a mom. She has my child, what more could she possibly ask from me except being good to our shared son and providing updated medical information. I really think you need to separate the issues of your DIL and your son's first mom. I know this all probably sounds very harsh, but there are some realities here that I think you aren't seeing.

belleinblue1978 - I also said why I felt the concern. I also am a birth mom, and will always be protective of my children is potentially bad situations. I have connected the two- Prob w DIL// dtr in law connecting with the Bmom, b/c I feel she did it to spite me.I did try to mend whatever she was thinking about a piece of spilled cake- and she blew up in my face, stomped out, and hasn't been back. Son says he knows she's wrong, but she's preggers, and he's about half scared of her getting mad at him. I know my son needs to step up to the plate, too- But how can I talk to someone that is so irrational, she blows up when I say...quote.... "We feel that your always upset, and we hardly know you. We'd like to work out any issues so we can all get along, and get to know each other better."My son, I will have a HUGE talk with once the baby has come.

Ummm, Txrnr, Dickons, myself and Belleinblue have all told you why reasons why he might not have told you. Btw I think one of the main problems you may have with your DIL is that she may be too much like yourself.

I guess it was bad on my part - to think that the Bmom would want to meet the woman who raised her son, see what his problems were, (she had to known he had some) how she could help him, etc. Maybe she is scared of what I think, but I am not like that, if she's changed, then that's all the better for her! No one would WANT someone to stay in drugs. I guess I might assume that the DIL has tainted her thoughts.Adoptive adults, help me out!

I wish I could give you an answer that would make sense to your heart why your son wouldn't discuss it openly with you and your family as you have always done about everything else, but I can't.I have a son who will be 22 in just 35 minutes from now (yay!). He has been in "reunion" for 4 years now. And still, to this day, it's a very difficult thing for him to discuss with us. He and I have a real discussion about it maybe once a year? We are extremely close, and he's more of a mama's boy at 22 than he should be, but even when we are in one of our annual discussions, he's very brief, has difficulty expressing himself and is clearly uncomfortable with the topic in general, even when he is the one to bring it up or needs to discuss something. Also, we have rarely talked about something to do with his reunion while it is happening-- months have needed to pass each time before things could really be talked about between us. And with his father and his grandmother, both of whom he absolutely adores and is VERY open with about everything-- he's never had one single discussion with them, and frankly refuses to, even when one might go a long way towards helping things be smoother for him in the future.My point is, it doesn't mean that something is terribly wrong that he's suddenly not speaking and has pulled away. As hard as it is to understand and as out of character as it seems, it is completely consistent with my experience, even with a son who is still a dependent (hopefully not much longer:)) and single.As for how or why your DIL did what she did, no one can say. What has helped me in the difficult times of reunion is to forbid myself from trying to guess what's going on in other people's heads or trying to assign motives or intentions. It's best if I stay focused on myself and my actions alone. How can I be a good mother in this situation? Not, how good of a son/DIL/birth mother the others are being...because that only causes me to obsess over things I cannot control, worry, feel bad, etc. KWIM? When I stayed focused only on myself and my actions, I was more peaceful and things were much better.It's one of those time the serenity prayer is SO applicable: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. The hard answer is that other people and their feelings, actions, choices, behavior, all fall into the first category, not the second, and so focusing on them changes nothing except to cause us great stress and frustration. All we can control is ourselves.Also, at this point I would stop completely trying to get through to your son to talk about this. I would take some very deep cleansing breaths and make sure that every message, text, etc., from this point on is only the normal conversational tone that would normally be between you. If I had to guess, your son is not going to reappear on the map until he is assured that he is not going to be asked to talk about this and it's just business as usual. Sometimes business as usual is what is so greatly needed during this times. Then, when things are less intense and less new and normal ongoing communication has been established for a while again, that would be when to gently broach the subject, only to express that you welcome the opportunity to be a safe place for him to talk when he needs and that you make no demands of him, but would love to know more about her and hear whatever he is willing to share.It's hard wanting to know and not being able to. And I understand that our mother's hearts don't just shut off at 18- and until you're parenting a young adult, there's just no way to know how that feels. But how we feel and what we'd prefer just doesn't determine the situation. Your son has to handle this in his own way, in his own time, on every front-- with his wife, with his birthmother, and with you. If you keep a loving, open door, he should walk back through it once he's sorted things out a bit more.