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To make a long story short my a-parents are very private people who like their routine and don't stray from it and I grew up quite sheltered. I'm adventurous now, but they are still that way. The issue with this is that my a-mom has started asking me to not share certain things with b-mom (who I've been talking to since March). She doesn't want me to show her a picture of her (a-mom), doesn't want contact information shared, etc. I'm not sure what she is worried about happening because she just gets upset when I ask her. I want to respect her wishes, but I really don't think it is fair for her to give me parameters about how all this should happen! It is MY decision! B-mom and I are meeting this weekend and I was planning to bring a scrapbook to share with her, but now I feel like I can't because it has pictures of my a-mom!! They are glued in. Sigh. Do I just not take it? Do I take it and not tell her? I am very hesitant about being "sneaky" and don't want to do that. On the other hand, she is choosing to be secretive too...Argh! Please give me some advice.
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My guess is she is having anxiety over your whole reunion and some pretty normal AP fears - you will leave them in the dust etc now that you are getting to know your mother. She needs to work through her feelings but you can help by being frank with where you and her stand as mom and daughter. She may also be sterotyping your mother - you know the horror stories that get passed around... I would come right out and tell her I was taking the scrap book but that you will not give her any pictures of your mom. If the scrapbook is not yours that is a different story and she must agree. You would need to then find other pictures to take. It sucks to have to manage two relationships when it could be done together as ONE family. Kind regards,Dickons
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Simple solution is not to tell her. You are I am assuming and adult and while you would like to respect your Amoms wishes this is YOUR renunion. YOU were the ONLY one without any say in your adoption. So now you have a chance to make decisions.
Believe me I am not trying to be cold callous or disrespectful but as an adoptee I feel for you because I had to hold back certain things from my own Aparents. To this day they do not know that I found Bfamily and that is fine with me. I made that choice to spare them of any pain.
I wish you all the best and that you enjoy your meeting.
Sometimes you have to do what you have to do for yourself.
EZ2Luv
Simple solution is not to tell her. You are I am assuming and adult and while you would like to respect your Amoms wishes this is YOUR renunion. YOU were the ONLY one without any say in your adoption. So now you have a chance to make decisions.
Believe me I am not trying to be cold callous or disrespectful but as an adoptee I feel for you because I had to hold back certain things from my own Aparents. To this day they do not know that I found Bfamily and that is fine with me. I made that choice to spare them of any pain.
I wish you all the best and that you enjoy your meeting.
Sometimes you have to do what you have to do for yourself.
Ditto to what the others have said. At different times I have ttried to combine bio family with adoptive family. It went well enough, but was so awkward at times. My APs wanted to meet BPs, and vice versa, but the issues for all of them that came up, with me stuck in the middle, well, it's just easier for me to keep them seperate. I spent a very long time tip toeing around everyone's feelings, and frankly, it drove me nuts.
Everyone, who wants to be a part of my life, will be, and if that makes others uncomfortable, well, I'm sorry for that. I don't mean that in a cold way. I mean that in an I'm not responsible for making everyone happy way. It's not my job to protect others from their own issues.
Is your a-mom older than your b-mom? Maybe she is afraid that b-mom will be "judging" her -- like she is not as young and pretty as b-mom? I would take the scrapbook and I would tell her I was taking it -- "because it is the story of my life Mom, and you are such an important part of my life!! I want b-mom to know how great you are as a mother!" Lay it on thick!!
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