Missing her bios...how to deal? (LONG)

June 23, 2011

"H" is now 10 1/2. She's been in care for almost 3 years and with us for 2 years. We finalized October '09. She has not seen or spoken with her bio mom or stepdad since january '09. History: physical abuse, neglect, emotional abuse, non physical sexual abuse, parentified. After finalization I started contact with biomom via letters. I sent some pictures and we wrote back and forth. "H" knew about the contact and I would read her excerpts from the letters about things her mom said about loving and missing her. Around last Christmas I had her and "R" write their biomom a christmas card. She was excited to do it and "R" could've cared less. After the Christmas season we told her she was able to write and receive letters from biomom assuming biomom was appropriate. She never wrote to her bio mom. When I asked why she said "I just don't want to" A couple of months ago bio mom started writing me letters that crossed strict boundaries I put into place. She also wrote "N" (4) and "B" (5) birthday cards saying things such as "You will always be OUR son your name will always be....(insert birth name) and so on. She was only permitted to write directly to "H" (and never did) and I asked her not to say things like that. She was upset that I wouldn't give them the cards (THey dont remember her...we've had them since 1 and 2 years old). I thought of sending the cards back but didn't...instead I saved them with her other letters to show the kids when they are older. Since I told biomom I was not giving them the cards and I am reinforcing initial boundaries set up, we have not heard from her. I have been honest with "H" along the process so she knows about the contact, and then lack there of. She doesn't mention them hardly at all anymore...unless she gets in trouble. If she is grounded or is upset about something (Like today I told her to put the markers up we're done with art time...it's music time) she cops an attitude, glares at me, mopes in the corner. Anytime she is upset about a consequence I talk to her and ask why she is upset and it always turns into "I miss my birth family" then tears follow. I'm SO confused by all of this. I know she misses them but I thought it would get better with time. On the other hand I feel maybe she is using that as manipulation?? (Possible RAD child) Today it really upset me and I said some things to her I probably shouldn't have. I told her that I know she misses them and it's ok to miss them but why does she 'suddenly' miss them when she's in trouble or unhappy with a consequence? She says she's happy here....and safe here...but she wants to go back to her birth family because she misses her cousins...or her grandma...or her neighbor's dog....it's different every time! I just don't understand if she missed them so much why did she never want to write her mother? Why does she only say it when she's upset with me? I also told her today that it's ok to miss them but she needs to move on or she's going to miss out on the good times she has now. Perhaps I've said all the wrong things today but I just don't know what else to do. Do any of you have advice? Insight?

servnjah

June 24, 2011

Here it comes out more in situations of trouble also. I think that is probably normal. When times are good, people don't rock the boat. When times are bad....Also, my fd thinks that people who do bad things are bad. And kids get opinions about what birth families did also. Sometimes their thinking is a bit convoluted. But seriously, if bm did X (lost kids? because of ___) then she must be bad and I'm a part of her so I also am bad as evidenced by me getting in trouble.

Also, I miss certain family members also, but I don't write them. The one has some serious issues and finds it easier to blame me for more than my fair share as well as not forgive me for my parts though they were from when I was 12, 17, 25 years old. Unfortunately, that failed relationship has cut off other family members also. And its hard to reach out after SO many years especially if you don't know if they will continue to reject the relationship (of course, are they thinking the same thing and we're all missing out because no one will make that first step?).

I think you keeping the door open (with boundaries of course) is what your daughter probably needs. She'll be ready when she is. For example, my father swore he never needed to know anything about his birth family. He was clear about it through his childhood. At 14, he changed his mind and went to the lawyer who did the adoption. Your daughter just may not be ready. Unfortunately, by the time my dad turned 18 (when the lawyer was willing to give him the information), the lawyer had died. Due to circumstances, he took the secret with him. So I guess my thought is that you want to be able to keep that door as open as possible for when your daughter is ready to approach it. Try not to lose contact, save relevant correspondence, etc.

I'm sure it is hard. Y'all may need some counseling along the way also.

But a person's birth family as well as what landed them in care then to be adopted is HUGE. I can see how this just may be an ongoing issue, flaring up at times.

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rmsept81

June 24, 2011

Our foster kids pull the I miss my family card when that are in trouble too. Sometimes it's manipulative and sometimes it feels genuine. Our one fd only ever says she misses her family never her Mom. I think because if she misses her Mom and her Mom doesn't miss her she gets hurt again. Our mom cancelled tomorrows visit after cancelling fam therapy Monday claiming illness and fd said if it was me I'd still go. Pretty insightful for 10. So maybe that's also going on with your daughter.

rmsept81

June 24, 2011

greenrobin

June 24, 2011

i've said the same things to my son when he plays the "i miss my family" card. it can be manipulation, and i really think it's ok to call them on that. it can also be real, and i think you know the difference when it happens.

Bubba misses Barbie when he's in trouble, or when he doesn't like the rules, or when he wants to avoid bedtime. that's manipulation.

Bubba misses Barbie when he feels particularly close to me, or when he feels really happy, or when he is having a great deal of success. that is partly guilt and partly wishfullness about how it should have been.

Bubba misses Barbie sometimes right out of the blue, when we're doing stuff that is normal, or reminds him of something he did with her, or just because. that's really a longing for her just because he loves her.

i'm sure your H does some of the same.

it's hard to be 2nd mom--especially when 1st mom had such a complicated past with the kids. we sometimes walk on eggshells, always second guess what we say, hope we do the right thing, and have trouble with just wanting to be the only mom. we're human. sometimes it hurts. sometimes it's glorious.

you've done a LOT to try to keep the doors open for your kids. you've done a tremendous amount to protect them in that relationship you want for them with their first family. it's like walking on a tightrope--you try to balance on both sides without falling off. H's "mom card," especially when she's using it, is probably designed to pull you off balance. you say possible RAD. there you go.

it really is OK to set boundaries with H. that's what you've done. if you talk like you write, i'll bet you did it with gentleness and respect--even if you had to raise your voice (because sometimes we do).

Bubba and Flowergirl have been with us for nearly 4 years. i can tell you that there's kind of an ebb and flow to the missing and longing. sometimes it's ever-present. sometimes, we don't talk about it at all. no, we do not have any kind of open relationship--court ordered for safety reasons--but we do have letters with inappropriate statements. i'm keeping those, just like you. that doesn't stop us from talking about Barbie. and like you, i talk when the kids want to talk. i think that helps them build trust, keep their good memories alive, and just calms them to know that i do not harbor bad feelings for her.

relax, birdiebabee. don't be too hard on yourself. you're walking where you've never been before and you are doing the best you can with what you've been given. best of all, you're doing it with love. it's complicated for you, the grown up, and even more complex for your child. you're doing fine.

Howdy

June 24, 2011

I think it might be helpful in those situations to somehow talk about how the two of you are okay/good together/belong together. It sounds like when she is upset she feels like she doesn't belong and it makes her miss feeling the time/place where she felt like she belonged.

But I am not surprised if there was abuse that she did not want to contact her bmom. My daughter used to talk so much about missing the male nurse at her Grandmother's, but over time it came out that he was a pedophile and she really fears and hates him. I find the relationship between kids and abusive people (especially when it is a parent) very confusing. No doubt the kids are confused themselves. It seems like my daughter has a huge feeling of loyalty about her bfamily and never wanting to say bad things about them, but she knows the problems and doesn't want to have to actually deal with contact and all the issues that introduces.