I don't want to hate her, but don't know how to NOT hate her

Hi Peachy! Logically I know that what happened to him is the primary responsibility of the two people who adopted him, but emotionally I still feel responsible simply because I chose them. I selected them. Knowingly, intentionally selected them. I don't know whether or how long it will take me to believe that emotionally. But thank you for the reminder. I'll probably need a lot of reminders for some time to come. (((((Peachy)))))

Today is a good day for a reminder that I didn't do this to him even though I can't figure out how it isn't my fault. I worked my way to a good place after the last set of revelations. Yet here I am again, after yet more revelations over the holidays. I'm wondering if I should request the whole ugly story in one fell swoop so I can go through it and not have to do it over and over again. This drip-drip-drip of ugly information is, I think, much harder to deal with than one huge avalanche of horror. What do you think, ladies? Should I sit him down and ask him to tell me everything? Or ought I let him dribble it out over his own timeframe and just deal with it over and over again?

No. No. No. No. That makes it about you and your issues, and not him. He will tell you what he is "comfortable" telling you, when, and "if", he is ever ready to do so. You see, here's the thing...as an adoptee, in a similar situation. I didn't/don't want to talk about it with my BPs. Telling them does NOT help. It can even make it hurt worse. The hardest thing...in reunion...when your BPs were completely different parents than your APs....(Note: I said "different" and not "better". I want to make that extremely clear, DIFFERENT and not BETTER.)that fantacy...makes the grief, the loss, billions of times harder to grieve. Trust me. You see, even with the abuse, we still "love" our APs, just like bio children, who are abused "love" their parents. You will hear them say "I wish I were adopted.", but what they really mean is they wish their parents were not abusive. Even if not biologically related, they are "still" our "parents"; the "only" parents we knew. It, the abuse, is something we have to work through ourselves, whether we reunite or not. Finding our BPs were, for lack of a better way to say it, better (using the word better here to make a point) parents, well, it makes it soooo much harder...sooo much more anger...so many more issues to work through. For me, I want my relationships separate, and try very hard to keepa line between what I have with Afam, and Bfam. Mixing the two families, just...too uncomfortable...mixed feelings...and ine get along. Still, when I think of my childhood, and what I went through, well, I just get sad, angry, at everyone, because, if I have to place blame, the blame is on all 4 of them. I know this is, probably, hard for you to hear/read. Just trying to explain some of what your son may be feeling about all this, and giving an adoptee pov. I'm just not sure pushing him into telling you is going to benefit you or your relationship. Sooner, or later, in my experience as a reunited adoptee, a victim of abuse, and from others on this board over the years, sooner or later, he will be angry at you. You will, most likely never know it, because he would never want to hurt you. He will work through it, but it's a natural course of action in such situations. That will not be easy for you. Talk to Raven, she's btdt. Just don't ask for it, by forcing him into a situation to "Talk" about it. There is a very good chance it will back fire on you. Of course, I'm not your son, so don't know. I'm just thinking were either of my BPs to "ask" me to talk about it...I don't think I could. I don't want to upset, or scare you...just want to help you avoid something you will never be able to change for him, and more pain, and, just thinking of it, feel the anger wanting to build. Hope I've helped in some way. IMO, my relationships with my APs, have nothing to do with my relationships with my BPs, and, as far as I'm concerned, never will. Getting to that place hasn't been easy, because in reunion, especially the beginning of it, the lines sometimes can get a bit fuzzy, and are oh, so, easily crossed by all involved. It makes for some very explosive, emotional, situations, and issues. P.S. You did not do this to him. You did not do this too him. You did not do this to him. It is not your fault his Amom has issues.

These are all very good points, Shadow. Thank you for giving me an adoptee's perspective. I most certainly don't want to put him in a position in which he feels he has to tell me everything, or even anything. One aspect I'm having trouble with is where my best interests end and his begin. I mean, I know it isn't totally about me, perhaps not even primarily about me, but at what point do I say X isn't good for me and take steps to correct it? Or is it best to just endure what I must, take my neverending punishment and smile in the process? If I must endure my eternal punishment in silence I will accept it, but I sometimes wonder whether the suffering is necessary in terms of the relationship between my eldest and I. Confused yet? I am. <sigh> I just don't know sometimes. I am very confident that I am a far better mother than his amother is and was. Of that I have no doubt whatsoever. Even on my worst days I far surpass her best day. I've wondered whether he even notices and if he does, what he thinks about it. I've never had the courage to ask about it. I have noticed that while he's visiting here, he watches my youngest son with me a lot and he has kind of an odd expression while watching. I wouldn't dare to guess what he's thinking but I hope some day I find out. If my relationship with and parenting of my raised kids is causing him even more pain. . ..I just don't know what to do with that. Thank you. I need to have that tattooed on my forehead so I can remind myself every time I pass a mirror. Thanks again, Shadow. I really do appreciate your insight.

I wouldn't ask him to sit down and tell you everything. I imagine that would be so very overwhelming for him. My question is, why do you need to hear ANY of it. I'm not sure I'd want all the intricate details over and over again, if my son was abused. And I am not sure telling you about all of it is really good in the long run for either of you. What sort of boundaries or limits are you putting on this? I think there needs to be some. Your son needs to work this out in counseling. I understand not wanting to stifle him and wanting him to be open with you, but also, this is ripping you apart emotionally and that is not good, either. You already know about the abuse. Why do you need to hear all the instances of it over the course of 20+ years? And why does he need to tell you these details? I really don't think the solution is to get it all out in one fell swoop. I just don't think that would work. I think you need to tell him these details are very disturbing to you, and while you want to be supportive of him, at the same time, it is too much for you to bear. You cannot fix this, you certainly did not cause it, and he really needs to work through this in counseling. Can you support him in that endeavor, instead of letting him go on and on with all these troubling details? I don't mean to sound crass or cold, but it's not doing either of you any good to keep going through this. And I don't think you should let guilt cause you to continue on in a situation that is not healthy for you. At the very least, I think you two need to reach some sort of compromise on how much you are going to focus on this. Your relationship cannot and should not be so heavily focused on what his amom did to him, no matter how bad or difficult it was. I'm not suggesting he should "get over it" by any means. I am suggesting he find healthier ways to work through it. Laying it all out on you with no end in sight is not the answer, I'm afraid, but neither is "getting it all out at once" which I don't think is even possible.

[QUOTE=Hummermom]These are all very good points, Shadow. Thank you for giving me an adoptee's perspective. I most certainly don't want to put him in a position in which he feels he has to tell me everything. One aspect I'm having trouble with is where my best interests end and his begin. I mean, I know it isn't totally about me, perhaps not even primarily about me, but at what point do I say X isn't good for me and take steps to correct it?"" IMO, something very important to keep in mind right now: How long have you ben in reunion? A year, two? This is, though it probably seems like forever, really no time at all in adoption reunion terms, certainly not enough to process over 20 years of ...hmmmm...stuff?...for you or him. One of my fav members on the forum, who no longer participates, and helped me soooo much in processing my grief, used to have this saying, which I'll paraphrase, "You have the rest of your lives to work this out." When I think about that phrase, and look back over the almost 25 years I've ben reunited...oh, I'd say that pretty much sums it up. It takes a life time to work it out. """Or is it best to just endure what I must, take my neverending punishment and smile in the process? If I must endure my eternal punishment in silence I will accept it, but I sometimes wonder whether the suffering is necessary in terms of the relationship between my eldest and I.''' This line of thought is something I cannot help you with, as I am not a birthmother. As an adoptee, it really concerns me when I hear BPs talking like this. My own BPs are quite the exprts at self punishment, and that to me, is what it is. I can't help what happened to me, and not one of us can change it, nor can anyone "fix" it for us. A trap, IMO, a lot of us in the triad seem to fall into: taking on each other's pain. It's also very easy, as members of the triad, to blame each other for our own pain, or blame each other for things we had no control over. My Bdad once made a remark to me about some things in his life, "God must be punishing me." I said to him, "No, I don't think it is God punishing you. I think you are punishing yourself." Isn't it always easier to blame someone/something? Your son is not punishing you by teling you the unpleasant things about his life. He's sharing his life with you. You are the one punishing yourself by taking the blame for his situation. Again, you did not do this to your son. Even if the day comes, and as he processes the grief of the child he can/could never be, he says, thinks, whatever, "If you had kept me...", keep in mind, it is not/was not your fault. You are not responsible for his Amom's actions. She is, and feel free to remind him of that...with love. As adoptees, as we mature, we realize it, just don't like to admit it. It is easier to blame someone, who will allow us to blame them, than those, who deserve the blame, but will never take responsibility for it. These are not things we come to terms with over night, they take years. You work on your stuff, let him be responsible for his. ""Confused yet? I am. <sigh> I just don't know sometimes."" Ah, yes, welcome to the wonderful world of adoption reunion. The trick...there are no right answers, and there are no wrong answers. (hugs and a smile" ""I am very confident that I am a far better mother than his amother is and was. Of that I have no doubt whatsoever. I've wondered whether he even notices and if he does, what he thinks about it. I've never had the courage to ask about it. I have noticed that while he's visiting here, he watches my youngest son with me a lot and he has kind of an odd expression while watching. I wouldn't dare to guess what he's thinking but I hope some day I find out. If my relationship with and parenting of my raised kids is causing him even more pain. . ..I just don't know what to do with that."" First, what he is feeling/thinking, well, I wont even speculate. What I wil tell you, and am confident in telling you; he is grieving. Yes, grief is painful, but it is a necessary pain. He has to feel pain, or he cannot grow, work through, and get on with his life. You can't stop it, anymore than you can stop the pain your raised children will feel in life, (first break up with boyfirend, grandma passes on, etc) either. Reuniting does not erase an adoptee, or BPs loss. Nothing can do that. IMO, I wish people would stop trying to erase our loss, our grief, and just let us grieve for a change. I know how I felt watching my Mother and her raised children with the maturity of a twenty something year old, as compared to howI felt about my Dad and how his raised daughter had been brought up, reuniting in my 40s. It, the feelings, no matter the age, run the gamet, from jealousy to thanking goodness I'm not them. You see, because there is no such thing as a perfect person, there can be no such thing as a perfect parent. Parents screw up their kids, no matter how great their parenting skills. It's just a fact of life. I have issues my siblings don't have, and they have issues I don't have. After all these years, it's a bit like asking someone, would you rather be deaf or blind. Do you see the point? It took me a long time to understand the difference between how I grew up and how my sibs grew up. I'd much rather be me than any of them, and it has nothing to do with abuse. Am I making sense. It has to do with accepting myself for who I am. It's just taken a long time to come to terms with it all. It is more about grieving for the child we could/can never be. Good gosh I hope this is making some kind of sense. I hate it when I hear the whole BP vs AP abuse crap...lucky adoptee /should be grateful, because I was abused/my mother didn't want me and I'm not adopted thing. Oh, boy, and I know this wont make me very popular around here. Being adopted makes it different in more ways than one. Yeah, abusers will abuse no matter whether their children are adopted or not, but adoption adds a whole different dynamic to the equation. Quite frankly, I think you have the right to be angry, even hate your son's mother. I think those feelings for a Bp, would be quite natural in such a situation, and anyone in your shoes would feel the same. You are grieving too, and that's something I wish people/APs, would understand. Honestly, I don't know if you will ever get to a point that you wont feel anger at what she has done/how she treats your son. The thing is, you can't change it, her, or what happened. In time, maybe you and your son can share a therapy session to talk about this...if he wants. In the mean time, consider some therapy for yourself? This isn't easy stuff to deal with. Reunion, especially when abuse is involved, is a slippery, slope, and extremely hard to navigate with all the extra, extra issues involved. Most of all, I would encourage you to focus on your own issue of punishment. My Bmom and Bdad still struggle with that. Because of that, Bmom and I have, uhm, well, no real relationship to speak of. It breaks my heart that she, after almost 25 years, still would rather punish herself than have a real relationship with her first born child. She believes somewhere ddeep inside, in her subconscious, that she does not deserve a relationship with me. From the beginning of our first contact, she has, mostly subconsciously IMO, done her best to sabbotage, push me away, and deny herself her first born child. I think you, and most other first parents can understand where she is coming from. Me, I can't, not really. Please be careful you don't do that to yourself or your child.

Hi Peachy! I don't want to get into a lot of detail on this most recent revelation--still trying to maintain some semblance of anonymity, KWIM?--but this last one came when I asked why he was having a terrible day. He had planned to call the night before and didn't. I assumed he got busy but when I said that he responded no, he'd been having a terrible couple of days. It's hard to say don't tell me when I asked what was wrong. No, I haven't set any boundaries around this. When we first began talking I told him he could tell me anything he wants me to know. Little did I know just what I was asking but even if I'd had an inkling I think I would've said the same. The things he's been telling me lately aren't the things that happened during his time in his amom's house. These are things happening right now--different but very much a continuation of earlier events, though less intense since he isn't living there. I wholeheartedly agree that he needs to seek a good counselor. Unfortunately, the three he has access to are utterly clueless regarding adoption and he thinks it's a waste of time trying to educate the people who are supposed to be helping him. Like I said, in this instance I asked him what was wrong and he told me. We've had two detailed conversations about his childhood, those only occur face to face, and this last visit we didn't even go there except to speculate on his amom's reaction when he tells her we're in close contact. Oh gosh, I don't know if I can tell him that. Given Shadow's input I think I agree that asking him to tell me all in one fell swoop isn't a good idea. But part of me wants to know what he's going through with them now. A part of me wants to know that his afamily has never bothered to call him on holidays yet when he doesn't make the call he's called a "bad son," etc. Why do I want to know? I'm not sure, except that I would want to know the same with my raised kids. I'll have to think about the reason behind that, it isn't obvious to me. Is it possible that he doesn't realize just how it crushes me? With the exception of the first time I heard this, during our first face to face visit, I haven't cried about it in front of him, or expressed the agony to him. I certainly am not capable of making him believe that I'm not impacted--my poker face isn't that good--but I haven't told him how haunted I am by it, how tormented I am. And if he doesn't realize it ought I tell him? I don't want him to feel he has to censor himself around me. <sigh> What a mess. I'm sure it doesn't sound this way but we talk about all sorts of things that have nothing to do with his APs and what was done to him. All told there have been perhaps four or five times over the past 18 months. But when it does happen it sends me right off the deep end. It certainly does make an already complicated situation that much more complicated, doesn't it? (((((Peachy))))) Thank you for taking the time to respond. I can use all the perspectives I can get.

Hi Shadow Weגre 18 months in and the quote is very trueI hope. I hope we have lots of time to work through everything and, more important to me, develop the very best relationship possible. Iגm trying very hard to not punish myself but it certainly does seem that I am being punished nonetheless. There seems to be no end to the fantasy-killing facts, and I cant say that IҒm not profoundly affected by those facts in addition to the normal reunion difficulties. Given that I specifically selected these people to raise my child I cant convince myself that it isnҒt my fault. No, I didnt do these things to him but I DID put him in the position to be thus treated. How can I not bear at least some of the blame? If I had been more educated, if I had been more discerning, if I had been more skeptical of the agency and the people who made promises they never intended to keep, he wouldnҒt have been there to start with. Does that make sense? I know I did the best I could with what I had but I dont find that a compelling excuse for my part in it all. Time will tell but I suspect that his amother will go to her grave insisting that she did NOTHING wrong. Why is that? I will never comprehend that kind of person. Do you think I ought to be blunt with him and tell him I donҒt want to hear what his APs are doing to him now? Forget about the past, some of the same things are still happening and when we talk and I know something is wrong, I specifically ask him whats going on. Do you think I should stop doing that?If so, thatҒs going to be very difficult. As I wrote to Peachy a part of me wants to know, just like I want to know whats bothering my raised kids. No question there! (((((Shadow))))) It breaks my already broken heart to think heҒs grieving. And if he ever decides hes glad he was raised as he was rather than with me. . ..well, that information just might do me in. But you are absolutely rightҗto move past loss and grief one must go through it, no short cuts. Any ideas on how I can support him but not try to eraseӔ his grief? I always want to make it better, its just second nature to me. Yes, I think I understand. Self-acceptance is the goal, not making value judgments? Is that an accurate summary? I donҒt know how a firstmom wouldnt feel this way after learning what IҒve learned. It would require a coldness I simply cannot fathom. I totally agree about people who try to dismiss my experience, and my sons experience, with the ғanyone can be abused routine. My response: ԓPerhaps, but had he been with ME he DEFINITELY wouldnt have been abused.Ҕ That, for me, makes ALL the difference, KWIM? Ive been thinking about trying to locate someone with firstmom experience locally but I must admit, I have a low opinion of the psychology profession in general. It is looking more needed as we go along, however. :( IҒm so sorry, Shadow. Ive kept my anguish over this situation to myself and those on this board because I donҒt want my son or my raised kids to assume any culpability for my own problems. I would never, ever push my son away, not now, not ever. That isnt punishing me, thatҒs punishing him. God knows hes been punished enough on my account, I will never add to that if I can possibly help it. Thanks again, so very much, Shadow.

FWIW, the counselor I've worked with for many years has no specific first mom or adoption experience, and she is and has been FABULOUS. Personally, although I know many people go through reunion without it, I highly, highly recommend it, and honestly don't know how people do it without counseling of some sort. I think a lot of your concerns can be addressed with a good counselor, and while I think someone with firstmom/adoptee/adoption experience would be great, I certainly wouldn't rule out someone because they didn't "specialize" in adoption issues. And you may have to go through a number of them before you find a good fit. I understand at the spur of the moment when your son told you this, it would not be the appropriate time to say "ok, stop, don't tell me these things." But perhaps you need to sit down with him in a quiet moment, and just let him know that some of the revelations are hard for you. If you don't want to go this route, another option would be to let him say whatever is on his mind and then when you get emotionally upset, work through it in counseling. Having a good counselor in advance who knows your history is wonderful for this reason. But I think eventually, you will have to find a way to either not let these things trigger you, or find a way to tell him that they do trigger you. I think you can set a limit in a way that does not censor him, but also lets him know when it is "TMI" for you and you need time to process this very heavy information. A simple "I don't want to shut you down, but that's a lot for me to take in right now" is perfectly acceptable, and appropriate, no? I'm sure he doesn't realize how upsetting it is for you. And I think you can express that it upsets you without actually going into all the details of how agonizing this is for you. I think the idea is to get your point across but not in a way that would be laying your emotional burden at his feet, if that makes any sense. A simple, direct statement would probably work best. Hummer, I know it's hard, and I can "what if" until the cows come home, myself, but you can beat yourself forever over a decision when you were so young and unsupported with your back against the wall, or you can take steps to learn to forgive yourself. I think our kids would rather we do the latter. We firstmoms often talk about how others punish us for surrendering our children, and yet often we punish ourselves the most severely. We cannot expect THEM to stop it if we can't even stop it.

Ah, Hum, I sooo wish I had the answers for you; could tell you just the right thing to do. My reunions were so crazy, disfunctional at times, I don't think I have the right to, really, advise anyone. Each reunion is so completely different. Best I can do is share my thoughts, and my story, in hopes you see something that helps. I, myself, ended up in therapy about 4 years ago, approx 3 years after contacting bdad. I've learned so much about myself, had to accept some very unpleasant truths about sooo many things. It was hell, pure hell for a while there. So many lines were crossed by all of us. Therapy, well, it was the best thing I ever did for myself. If there is anything I could do over about my reunions, it be to go through the entire ordeal with a qualified, experienced in adoption/reunion, therapist for support. P.S. Have you tried contacting Brenda here on the form? Can't remember her screen name, but she is a birth mother, a therapist, and I believe she has referrals she can give out for therapist with experience in adoption? Best wishes for you and your son.

(((((Shadow))))) I am finding a lot of wisdom in your posts here, please don't sell yourself short like that. Can you elaborate on the grief and how you think a firstmom can avoid trying to take away an adoptee's grief? For some reason that feels very important.

I agree wholeheartedly with everything Shadow said about this issue. Let your son decide when and how much to disclose about his abusive childhood. I know how frustrating that can be, though. I knew for about a year before my son opened up to me that he had most likely been abused physically and mentally while growing up. Shadow makes an extremely valid point when she says that adult survivors of child abuse still love their parents -- it doesn't matter if those parents are related to them by blood or not. When my son finally did bring up the subject and gave me a detailed history, I had to be really careful about how I reacted in his presence, i.e., I had to be careful not to explode with anger at his aparents. My son loves his aparents, although they were estranged for several years during early adulthood. It was defintely a balancing act for me in showing my son that I was angry at what he endured during childhood while, at the same time, being careful in not saying anything that was too horribly disrespectful toward his folks. I could probably go on about this issue for hours, but I doubt anyone would want to read a book! So I'll keep it short and sweet for now. :loveyou:

How to help? Hmmmm, that's a tuff one. It's hard for me to say, as I am female, and cant think like a male...men react differently to abuse, adoption, uhm, everything? I agree with what Raven has said. 1. Never bad mouth is parents...ever. You can maybe say you are so sorry they treated him like that? They shouldn't have done that to him. (in a calm and sympathetic tone, but not pity) He'll most likely look at you with confusion, depending on where he is in dealing with the abuse. You see, growing up, abuse is, well, normal for us. We don't really acknowledge it as "wrong" not at first. The other part to that is, even if we do, no one wants to "admit" it...the shame. kwim? A sort of example: Have you ever heard someone talking about, or argueing the whole spanking kids thing? Have you heard someone in the discussion say, and someone always does, "My parents spanked me with a belt, and I turned out fine.", or my personal favorite, "My parents spanked me. I deserved every spanking I got." the key word, that says it all, "deserved". What does that say to you when you think about it? Your son may be hurt by her abuse, but he may not fully understand that she was "wrong" for doing it...not yet. That's why you never can show your anger by bad mouthing, raging, etc. You see, he can call her anything he wants. You cannot. That's just how it works in abuse cases. 2. Most of us, abused adoptees, don't really know we are grieving. We don't know what we are doing, except possibly drowning in sttrange emotions. As victims of abuse, we have learned we are not allowed to "feel". Does that make sense? We can only feel what we are told we can feel...mostly anger. It's what we've mostly seen expressed, or guilt, switching from one extreme to the other. Other feelings? Do they exist? We don't really know? But think? See how confusing this stuff is. Trying to put it into words, makes my head hurt. lol The best, perhaps, you can do is listen...just listen, pat a hand, give a hug if he will let you. Be careful not to become the "dumping ground" as you go through this. I think you have the right to tell him some of what he tells you is hard to hear, without alianating him; those boundaries Peachy talked about. Again, the I'm so sorry she did that to you...keeping responsibility for her actions on her. Sympathetic to him, good...accusitory to his mom, bad. We abuse victims, unless in an angry stage, will defend our abusers to the end...just the way it is. Like I said, I can say my dad was an ars, but don't you do it. I don't need anyone to tell me that, and wont appreciate it in the least, and I'll let you know it. Do you understand what I am saying/trying to explain? It's important. 3. The grief with your kids thing...not a lot you can do there other than be aware, try to understand. He may not even know or be able to name what he is feeling. You know how guys are? Me, I felt jealous at times. I felt cheated at times. At times, just so deeply sad I didn't know what to call the feeling. You have a head start, you can read up on adoptee reunion grief...just being aware gives you a leg up. I, honestly, don't know if there is anything you can really say that will help. You will just have to play it by ear. My Bdad was so open and excited when I found him. It became real easy for me to be too open, too honest, to easy to tell him things, say things, I shouldn't have put on him (the grief). It took time, but in my own vulnerability, too easy to make him the daddy I, for that matter every child, wanted, needed, deserved. He couldn't be that for me...we couldn't go back redo? It was one of the biggest pitfalls we had, well I had. The fantacy childhood I was never going to have, because, well, how could I at over 40? The fantacy childhood all abused children dream about in their subconscious. It's complicated to explain how that all comes about, but for adoptees in reunion...whew! Raven canyou help me explain this one? Grieving It's sort of like, finding our BPs, and seeing they aren't like our APs, it's sort of like we get a second chance, except in reality, it is not a chance at all. You can't go back. Grieving the fantacy childhood/parent was the absolute worst of it all for a child of abuse. Add to that the loss of adoption, among other adoptee issues compounded by abuse, and seriously, people really want to say there isn't adifference for adoptees? You know, your son may not feel any of this stuff on any conscious level, all depends on how he has learned to cope with things over his lifetime. There is just no easy answer to any of this. All you can really do is take it one step, one day, at a time. The good news, in time, you will both get through it. I would seriously encourage you to find support of some kind on a more face to face level. The forums are great, and help, but nothing like a real human standing next to you ready to give a hug can do. Not knowing your son personally, I'm really warey of saying too much, because I just don't know. kwim?

Shadow, I wanted you to know that your advice above was a HUGE help over the holidays. I can't get into specifics but something occurred that had me absolutely steaming. I managed to keep my tongue and changed the subject VERY fast. I made every effort for my son over the holidays and I've focused on that fact while talking to him lately. I haven't yet told him just how devastating it is for me to hear these things, but I'm looking for a good place and time to do it. It's still so SO hard to keep silent when what I really want to do is scream and cry and rage, but perhaps I'm getting better at it. Anyway, I wanted to thank you. I hope you're having a great 2012!

Glad I was able to help, and thank you for saying it. You just made my day. If there's anything, else, I can do to help, please let me know. Best wishes for a happy new year to you too.