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[url]http://forums.adoption.com/adoptee-support/392159-wrong-reasons-adopt.html?posted=1#post34194131[/url]
couldn't not post. i'm really tired of there being reasons why you shouldn't adopt, but no reasons why you should, or there being only one reason to adopt-but no one can agree on what that is. it has the potential to be ugly....and i participated as a member. sorry about that. i'm a troublemaker. :evilgrin:
Hmm. I've never adopted. Why did I have children after I placed David? I wanted to have children. I have love to give. My arms were empty. I wanted to give my husband children... Are any of those legitimate reasons? Perhaps NO ONE should have children. (That would solve a lot of Earth's problems!)
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She makes it sound like if no one adopted the kids would all be happily raised in thier first families. I know for a fact that my two were destined for some pretty bad things if they were not adopted. It was not a choice between material things and a poor but loving bio family. It was a choice between life in an institution and life with a loving family. The first families in both cases had made their decisions not to parent long before I came on board
But what makes biological parents fit to raise the children they give birth to? I've heard many of the same reasons that she rejects used by biological parents.
I am so tired of her. I am sorry she is miserable. I really am. But I am so tired of her negativity. Maybe I am just taking it all to personally, but I am just over of it.
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Perhaps NO ONE should have children
right? lol.
momraine
She makes it sound like if no one adopted the kids would all be happily raised in thier first families.
i understand that adoption is not ideal and perfect.....but even if we abolished poverty and the remaining stigma of single mothers....there would probably still be women who chose adoption plans for their children. is this not their right? so while i agree we have a lllloooonnnnggggg way to go in fixing things, doing away with child trafficking, supporting mothers who wish to parent.....there are still, and probably always will be....children without families. 1/2 of my 6 kids were in institutions when we adopted them. 2 others were in foster care and in all fairness would have been adopted by someone else. and the last was in foster care in a foreign country ONLY because i paid for him to be...otherwise he also would have been in an institution. OF COURSE they would choose bio families over toys...but that wasn't the choice for them either. but in situations like this i just want to ask how many people have talked to children raised in institutions who were turned out on to the street at 18, or 16, or 14....and asked them if they were happy to grow up in an orphanage, or if they wish they had a family....hmmmm.....
But what makes biological parents fit to raise the children they give birth to? I've heard many of the same reasons that she rejects used by biological parents.
exactly.
I am so tired of her. I am sorry she is miserable. I really am. But I am so tired of her negativity. Maybe I am just taking it all to personally, but I am just over of it.
me too. i am on guard.....i am parenting my children the best i can, trying to be as open as i can, supportive as i can. i'm not stupid, i know my daughter would rather be with her mom...but she died....she would rather be with her aunts....but they didn't want her.....she would rather be with her dad....he almost killed her and he is in jail. there are just no other choices for her. it is here, another strange family, or an institution. that's it. me not adopting her wouldn't have magically repaired her family. someday she will be "that" angry adoptee posting here....but i know in my heart it isn't because she WAS adopted, it will be because she had to be. and that's not my fault.
Maybe Crick can decide she should be tired for a while. Let's send her to Coventry.
is there a limit to how many annoying people we can put there? lol.
I know it's rough for you who have adopted to have your reasons examined and rejected and to be told over and over that your children would be better off in their family of origin. That is only true if the family of origin is perfect... and frankly I don't know any of those. I did not choose adoption for David because he would have more toys, but because I believe that every child deserves parents who want to parent (at that point I would have said two parents). I knew I was not ready and was afraid I would take it out on him. (Was that laudable? Would he have been better off if I had raised him? The latter is an unanswerable question.)
None of us was raised in a perfect family and we can all say if only... There comes a time when we need to grow up and take responsibility for our own actions and our own lives.
mommytoeli
someday she will be "that" angry adoptee posting here....but i know in my heart it isn't because she WAS adopted, it will be because she had to be. and that's not my fault.
I know that is part of it for me. That under it all, no matter how hard I try to be a 'good' AP, I am afraid my kids will be her in 25 years. Even though in my heart I know that like you say, it isn't my fault that my children were born into a situation where they had to be adopted, she brings out all those worries and doubts. But then again, those worries and doubts don't do them any good either.
I think I need chocolate! :)
My adopted childrens first parents were married coupled with jobs. Both families had other children they were parenting. In both cases it was the fact that the children were born missing limbs that caused them to be abandoned. My daughters parents hoped she would be adopted by foreigners as they felt she could not have a good life in Russia due to her disabilities. My sons family did not believe he would be adopted. They just wanted him put away. They refused to visit him and when a charity offered his father money to visit him his father still refused. That's when his rights were involuntarily severed. (my sons mother passed away when he was around three) my son tells me he wished he could have stayed in Poland but the fact is he was about to be sent to a nursing home because of his behavioral issues. He would have been drugged and tied to a bed and allowed to die slowly. I think my house is a better option. I was raised by a woman who did not want children yet. She had her own issues. She planned to put me up for adoption but relatives talked her out of it. I was abused physically and emotionally. I was told that I ruined her life and how she didn't want me. So while I did have my bio family it was not a happy childhood. I have no relationship with my mom now. I spent my childhood feeling like no one wanted me or loved me. Personally I think given a choice I would have traded the biological connection for parents who actually wanted and loved me. The truth is none of us knows how our lives would be if things were different. I think some people assume that everyone will feel what they felt. I don't go around saying that cause my bio mom was abusive no one should give birth.
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kakuehl
I know it's rough for you who have adopted to have your reasons examined and rejected and to be told over and over that your children would be better off in their family of origin.
yeah....i just get tired of feeling like i have to defend myself. i don't even get upset about the family of origin part.....bc yeah, in an ideal world that is where they belong...but for lots of reasons they just can't be there. i didn't decide that. but i am tired of people trying to decide the only reason people can adopt. i didn't adopt to feel good about myself(although....i don't remember seeing that on the list ;) ....but i also don't want to feel like i should feel guilty every day for doing so. i just want to be a mom. you know?
None of us was raised in a perfect family and we can all say if only...
amen.
momraine
The truth is none of us knows how our lives would be if things were different.
i think that is a really good point. i'm sure my daughter thinks her life would have been soooo amazing if she was still living with her dad....the truth is she would probably be dead. but i guess i don't know that for sure either. the bottom line is a judge decided she had suffered enough abuse at his hands and he no longer got to be her dad....but she forgets that....and still spends a lot of time fantasizing on what could have been. ( i get it....i do. and i love her....just to be clear. :) )