Is pullback more common for adoptee or birth parent

Hi Gumby1 - I can relate to everything you've mentioned in your post above. I've been reunited with my birthfamily for over 11 years and I'm afraid I've had to pull back many times. The pain and loss that we feel sometimes when they tell their own stories, that we weren't part of, is all part of the process I think. For me, pulling back was more about allowing myself to grieve and being ok with that and allowing myself to process why I needed to pull back. I too have 2 birth sisters (mine are full as my bparents married) and I STILL question whether they REALLY want me in their life and what they ACTUALLY thing and feel about me being around. Hope it helps you to know that these feelings are common for both the adoptees and also birth parents. Hugs K :)

I don't know if adoptees pull back more than birth parents or vice versa. I do know it can happen either way. I do know it's hard not to think about, but it really is better not to assume things that you do not know to be true, or make up scenarios in your mind that may not exist (i.e. they really don't want me in their lives, etc.). I also think it is important, especially early in reunion, to get counseling to address these concerns. I try not to worry about it with my son. Sometimes I don't hear back from him when I call or email, but then I will hear from him. I just figure he's either busy or processing something. We don't always have to assume the worst (i.e. "OMG, he really doesn't want me in his life and he's gone for good!). If you need time to process strong emotions/feelings and will be out of communication for awhile, I think it's a good thing to let the other party know. Finally, hard as it can be, I think the focus HAS to be on now and the future. My son has a strong bond with his family that I am not a part of. It is what it is. Of course, I'm happy that he DID bond so strongly, as many adoptees do not have that experience, but sometimes I feel left out because he is also very attuned to their culture/ethnicity, which is very different from mine. It's an odd feeling. I find myself thinking "hey, you're not that ethnic group, you are this one and that one" (by biology). Then I have to realize he was raised in that ethnicity with those family members and he is just as much part of it as they are. It's a strange feeling. I know it's not the same as your situation, but just wanted to illustrate how these differences can feel unsettling. 6 months is really early in reunion. And living in fear of pullback is not a good thing. It is not easy, but you almost have to force yourself to put your mind elsewhere and not project so far into the future with all the "what-iffing." With my son, I just try to take things day by day, and build a strong foundation with him. I have no intention of shutting the door or walking away from him and have a good support system in place if I ever have overwhelming feelings come up. I used to worry more about pullback with my son, but since we've met and communicated more, those feelings have eased up. I know even years from now, he can do that, but I can't worry about what may or (just as easily) may NOT happen.

JustPeachy - I said it before and I will say it again, you are a very wise woman. There is just so much truth and advice in your post. Nothing more to add, just wanted to compliment you on your wisdom.