Would like to learn from your experience

I can tell you what I did that the bmom and bdad say helped. I always treated them with the respect and privacy that they deserved. I let her make all the calls about dr appointments, being in the delivery room, and even visits after my son was born. We didn't follow all of her requests, but we discussed each and every one and made them realize that we valued their opinions. Then we made a list of questions for the bparents. Favorite color, favorite food, any question I think a child would want to know. I gave them each a copy 2 weeks before the baby was born. I even got their full names, DOB and SSN just in case we were ever seperated he would have the means to find them. Then I asked them to write him a letter telling him of their thoughts. They filled out all of this info and it thrilled me to read it! When my son was 7 months old (he is 9 mo now), his 22 year old Bmom died. I am so glad I have this info for my son! I know the family knows we stand behind our word, and we keep all of our promises. I value the relationship I had with her. I rattle on, but the most important thing you can do is to not promise more than you can live with and to keep your word. Good luck with your journey!!

Personally I think it's amazing you're asking these questions, I think the fact you're worried about this means you're on the right track. But you're not going to help her heal, nothing you do or say (in my opinion) will really make it better. My son's parents hold true to everything they tell me, are completely open to suggestions I make, and I still am slow to heal and try to muddle through this all. Things that were really beneficial to me were that when I did reach out during a pretty desperate state and put myself way out there when I was at an emotional low point they didn't freak out and run away, but they also didn't start making promises they wouldn't keep just to make me feel better. Being honest with any birth parents about what you're able to do is huge because then they can trust what you're telling them. I also think in general it's easy to get nervous about her having regrets when she wants an extra visit or when she doesn't want to say goodbye. I could see those nerves a mile away and it made it that much harder because instead of just feeling the pain I also felt like I had to reassure them that it didn't mean I was trying to get him back. Given me ways to tell my story, to integrate some of my traditions in his life and to really be there during important moments in his life has been really touching. There will always be things I would change, it's the nature of it, a relationship where people just have to compromise because they have different needs, but that doesn't make it unsuccessful. Honestly the best things you can do in my opinion is to be honest about who you are, how you feel and what you're going to do. And be the best parents you can be for the child. No matter what happens if you do those two things I think you can feel good about your part of the OA, which is all anyone can really do.

Thank you for your responses. It helps me and reassures me that we are on the right path. I know that sometimes the fear of never getting picked makes you want to present yourself in the best way possible, but it's just important to be yourself and be honest about everything so that the expectant parent can make the best decision for her and the child. And I also want to be mindful of all the promises. She will trust us with a lot and we don't want to take it lightly. Thank you again!

If you say you will do something do it. Don't fall out of sight for months and months at time. There was a 7 month period when I didn't hear from Kiddo's folks before he turned one. That was pretty hard. I never expected them to take on my pain, but worrying they were all ready closing the adoption didn't help me out any. Don't read things into what she is telling you or the agency. I wanted to rework our contact agreement and one of the things I wanted was to only have two visits a year rather than the four we had discussed. I can't do four visits, I love seing Kiddo, but it hurts like hell still too. Part of the reason I wanted to adjust that was due to our changing lives as well. I got a letter from her angry that I had told the agency they said I couldn't see him, which wasn't the case at all. Point being, take what is said at face value. Don't expect the first mom or dad to constantly reassure you that you are good parents and she is thrilled that she chose you. I spent about five years doing that and it totally slowed my healing and in some ways reversed it I believe. That is not her place, to say it once or twice, sure, but you need to work on being the Dads too and accepting that this is how you built your family. I am certainly not saying I haven't made my own share of mistakes, because I most certainly have. OA isn't always easy to navigate for anyone. If she needs space give it to her, if she says she isn't comfortable with something you want, don't be offended. There are things that the first parents may want to share with your child and not with you, try to be ok with that, it isn't necessarily cutting you out, but building a special relationship. I could ramble on and on about this, if you have read any other stuff I have read you know that things haven't always been the greatest with my OA. What do you do though? The pain my son would experience from growing up not knowing who I am is something I know and so I choose to put aside my own stuff as best I can for him.

I'm so glad you posted this. We're growing our family for the second time. Our sons are adopted from the foster system and we had no say in open/closed (it's very closed). This round MAY be with a placing parent, or MAY be through the foster system. I'm trying to write a letter of introduction to an expectant mom now, heard of her through a family friend, and just have no clue what to say. I guess I'd personally like a VERY open relationship, but if it hurts her. . . and I don't know when to bring it up?As an adoptive mom, I so wish our sons' adoption was open. I know their mom and dad loved them, they just honestly didn't have the skills to care for the boys. OK, way too much info for saying thank you!

Thank you Belleinblue. Those things are so important to think about. OA has the potential to get messy because we are dealing with relationships and feelings. I hope we are able to establish good and clear communication. I like the last part, where you are talking about the special relationship and how it might seem like the adoptive parent is being left out. I'm going to think about that one. I read something somewhere that said something along the lines of "a child doesn't belong to adoptive or birth parents. They belong to themselves". I hope that our child(ren) can build healthy relationships with their birthfamily (first family). Thanks again, your answer helped. Very good advice!!

I am a birth mother and I love m adoptive parents. I lived in birth mother housing for three months provided by my agency and I lived with four other birth mothers that came and went. It was a really good experience and I am grateful to have had the support of other young women going through the same struggles as me. With that said one thing I realized was how important the initial match is. If it doesn't feel right don't let your overwhelming desire for a child put blinders on your relationship. This is someone that you are going to have an on going relationship with for the rest of your lives so make sure this is someone who you want to get involved with. I went through three couples that i had been matched with before I found the right one. While I am sure they were great people and are going to be amazing parents they weren't the right adoptive parents for me. Also I know it sounds superficial but make sure you have good pictures for your profile. I know it shouldn't matter but you get so many profiles to look through that it can be really overwhelming to read through the hundreds of profiles you are presented. Lastly these things just take time. It's like any other relationship. Every birth mother is different and we all have different needs. Please feel free to private message me if you would like to hear more of my story. I wish you and your partner the very best of luck and I am sure your little one is out there.

I totally agree with Bananas. It's important that you get along with this person, because you're pretty much entering into a life long relationship with them. I still keep in contact with my son's aparents 9 years later (semi-open adoption). What I really like about our relationship is that it has become natural and enjoyable. Because let's be honest, this is not a road that you navigate every day...it was awkward at first! I kind of just feel like they're old friends now, and I like that. I got to know them before the placement too which was really nice. I talked a LOT to my son's mom over the phone. I loved that we had the opportunity to chat about everything. Not just adoption. When my son finally came along I felt like I was placing him in the arms of a friend, not a stranger. That was very comforting to me. You brought something else up that I'd like to touch on. You said it is best to be open and honest so that birth parents can make the best decision. I couldn't agree with you more. Something that I really loved about my son's parents was their honesty. They were down to earth people and that really helped me connect with them. You seem to be very considerate of the fact that you aren't the only ones in the situation whose emotions are riding high, and that is very cool :-) Best of luck to you and your future family!

I think the reason you're more likely to be able to be open to feelings of birthparents is your own situation. You haven't had feelings of failure/desperation as a result of trying to have a child and not having it happen. I am from the "closed" period. I can only say how little understood my own feelings at the time, and only later realized how the "counseling" was meant to funnel children to adoptive parents. Please be honest in what you promise. I can't imagine how awful it must be to expect contact and have it withdrawn, and even to have the family disappear unexpectedly, which happens.

I can only say that the one thing that hurt me the most, holds be back from moving on all this time, is the lies I was told from the AParents. It is a betrayel that stays with you.

If you look at the research on open adoption, the best open adoptions for the child are the one's where the birthparents and adoptive parents have a good relationship together. Kids feel safe when all the adults are getting along. In my own case that has certainly been true. My son is now 27 and we have had a fully open adoption from the beginning.