Question about a top ten entry

I don't think the thought that my mother could have aborted me had even crossed my mind until the agency worker, who searched, found, contacted her, and received the updated medical history from her. It noted that she had had 4 pregnancies, the fourth being aborted. No one had to say, "At least you were not aborted.", to me. the implication was there, whether it was true or not, just as the whole "unwanted" implication is there when babies are given away, placed, surrendered, relinquished, etc. No one has to litterally say it, anymore than, anyone can stop an adoptee from feeling unwanted or grateful for not being aborted by telling us how much we were loved by all, and it was what was best for us. It is what it is. Being grateful our mothers didn't abort us is part of the, well, coming to terms with our adoptions. It is how we justify, to ourselves, that being adopted is O.K. It eases the pain of that being unwanted feeling. It really has nothing to do with being grateful, and it really doesn't have anything to do with our mothers, either one of them. It is just simplly what we have to tell ourselves until we work through the pain, conscious or subconscious, and begin to accept the reality of our adoptions, and begin to understand that it just isn't that simple. Yes, our mothers had a choice between abortion and adoption, but, seriously, what kind of "choice" is that? Hummermom, you nentioned your son's fear in regards to having sex, and how careful he is. It seems that is a common theme for a lot of adoptees. I never realized it until much later in life, but as a young adult, the only thought I had in regards to sex was, "What if I get pregnant?". I was terrified of getting pregnant and being "unwed". The thought horrified me. I wonder why? I should, probably, put a disclaimer of "IMO" here, but I'm not going to. If verification of what I am saying is needed, just read the adoptee forums for a while.

Just to let you know the whys....my first was scheduled to be induced after being nearly two weeks overdue. I went into labor a few hours prior to my scheduled induction. I felt the contractions about 3 hours prior to going to the hospital, and those contractions were no more than five minutes apart when I felt them. By the time I got to the hospital I was begging for an epidural (which slowed down my labor - a good thing because I needed to get two ivs of penicilin in). If I had not, I would have delivered within a half an hour after arriving. My daughter came out like a bird, elbows sticking straight out the whole way, so I needed to be stitched internally for over an hour after, so I was grateful for that epidural so I couldn't feel that pain. #2 I scheduled and induction because of #1, he was due in the dead of winter, I live 30 minutes from the hospital on a sunny summer day, much longer on a snowy winter day, and my husband is a professional musician who travels out of town a lot. #3, same thing.

I wasn't told I was adopted until my early teens. I was lied to repeatedly because my parents claim that they didn't want me to feel weird or different (being that I was being raised with their natural children). That's exactly the opposite of reality - I was a very depressed child trying desperately to uncover the truth and understand why I was different, differences that were plain to anyone and often pointed out by strangers. Before I say more, I want to set up the background of how I was being raised. My parents were extremely conservative people, so much so that they pretty much tried to cut us off with contact/exposure to much of the modern world because they didn't want it influencing us. We were schooled at home, no movies, no television, etc. Christianity was everything to them. From toddlerhood's earliest memories, I recall being told "abortion is murder!" "Abortion kills babies!" "What kind of person would kill their baby?" "Life begins at conception." As Dickons mentioned earlier, my family went to many abortion protests and carried signs - I was given signs to carry, I was encouraged to go door to door to collect money for fundraisers to end abortion. My parents voted for politicians based one things only: was the candidate for trying to overturn Roe v. Wade? Any other candidate was labeled a "Baby Killer." So I began puberty and become an official teenager, which I think is an emotionally trying and very vulnerable time for many girls. For medical reasons it became necessary for my parents to tell me I was adopted. In that very first conversation, which was shocking enough since I had been lied to for so long, I was told I was adopted "because your birthfather wanted your birthmother to abort you." I was told that they were in love and planned to marry, but when he found out she was pregnant, he said abort or the relationship was over, and, though it was the hardest decision of her life and lead to the most depressing 9 months of her life, she did what she felt she had to do and did not abort me... (I should disclose my aparents knew my bmom so had been aware of the details of her story). I was beyond devastated. I was left feeling that my conception ruined my bmom's life and that my bfather hated me and wished I was dead and must resent me for ever being born. Can you fathom what that did to my teen years? Also, based on the conservative upbringing, the abortion part of the story was used to indicate my bfather was one of these "morally bankrupt, babykillers," the enemy of my parent's faith and an overall awful person. I know that much of what my parents told me was meant to make me feel grateful to them and grateful for my morally superior upbringing and to dissuade me from ever wanting to know my bfather, but it did such a number on me mentally. I wrestled with trying to understand who I was and the reality that I was partially made from this man my parents painted as such as awful person - didn't that mean deep down I was an awful person or at least had the potential lurking in me waiting to erupt? Decades later, as an adult who finally knows the truth about my conception, birth, and adoption, and who has a closer relationship with my birthdad than any of my other parents, I still feel the pain from that initial conversation at times. Much of it was twisted lies and I've made peace with all of it as best I can, but I will never understand how any parent thinks sharing that kind of information with a child is appropriate. And, like others mentioned, sex was frightening and something I had to have complete control over until I was married and sure the person I loved wasn't going to ditch me when I got pregnant and that I wouldn't be shamed into adoption...

Gmarie, Not sure what your point is because per your details - none of your deliveries had anything to do with my comments. I qualified my first statement about being induced with a disclaimer about SO not talking about way past do (spelling error on due). I qualifed my statement on c-sections to only apply to convienence - NOT a safety issue. Really not sure what's up. Kind regards,Dickons

Awe Snoopy - that is so messed up. What are parents thinking denegrating an adoptees parent that way - of course how they view your parent is going to make you think that - what other way could you think? I do not think a child should be part of that type of protest at all even bio kids...just gives me the ick factor. HUGS - it just all makes you shake your head at what people are thinking. Kind regards,Dickons

((((snoopy)))) things like that really can mess with our heads, no words really, just wanted to ((((hug ya))). shadow, I agree that it is a way to justify, to help us and others feel better about our adoptions. A bit of morbid frightening lucky sugar medicine. And it's also used as a sales pitch for adoption, that's where I file it now. It reminds me of my friend who recently lost his left arm from the elbow down. He keeps saying, hey at least it wasn't my right one! And while he has a really really good point LOL and it does help mask the pain and helps him to keep positive and keep his chin up, and have a positive answer to peoples' questions, it doesn't hide the loss completely. Chin up, keep moving, right? I've heard many say something like it when people say to them "hey, I am sorry you lost your mother and had to be adopted, that's really sad" and they reply "hey, at least I wasn't aborted!" I may have even said it in the past myself. For a couple of reasons, taking up for my mother, hiding my loss and attemping to seem just fine with it all... kwim? plus I do happen to be pretty thrilled with life and that I wasn't aborted, or haven't died in some other way yet, so it's easy to flow with. What is the other answer, um, no I'm not glad I wasn't aborted? I won't mention again how many adoptees I've known who chose suicide due to feeling like a nine month abortion, for having a horrible adopted life, or because they wanted to do what they felt their mother should have done instead. It's surely not a feeling to deny either way, positive or negative. I still chuckle at my friends mom, she had a few kids, six I think, and we were all at a party and after they were lovingly joking around and picking on their mom she said something like "hey, cut it out, count yourselves lucky, half of you wouldn't be here if they had that little pill back in my day" Not the best thing to say to your adult kids i guess, but I thought it was funny as hell! Some of her kids didn't think it was so funny LOL I guess I enjoyed it due to hearing the grateful I wasn't aborted thing so often. That and being the kind kind of woman/mom she is, everyone was a bit shocked at her statement LMAO. Like others, I dont' think it is really possible for a woman to choose between abortion and adoption, it's two separate things. I disagree with the notion that a woman should choose and decide on adoption in the first few weeks of pregnancy.

hummermom, oh yeah, I've heard it a lot in all sorts of ways. It's on tv all the time like that. ohhh choose adoption not murder etc. how lucky are ya, your mom chose adoption over abortion! yada yada. I confess, I think it's ok to pat yourself on the back for having kids! I think it is something to be proud of, I am. The two biggest accomplishments of my life so far are making and raising my kids. And with both i was in a bit of what people call "crisis". I am proud I gave my husband a son, I'll never forget the look in his eyes when he got the boy news, he still has that look often. I am proud I gave him a daughter that he gets to walk down the isle soon. I am proud of myself that I was able to choose against abortion and adoption, it took a lot to make my family happen. IMO stretch marks are a badge of honor, a medal of bravery, a purple heart LOL even if an epidural is involved! I'll never forget my adad saying to me at the birth of my first "she's perfect, good job:)" as he patted me on the back. I mean look at the lengths many women go through to be able to do it. It is an accomplishment deserving of a pat on the back. I'm not sure how many pats a woman will get for having birth here on an adoption website, and I have noticed "it's" not talked about here like elsewhere, so I am wondering how this will flow here. I usually don't say such true to me things here out of respect or fear of hurting someone. So absolutely I want my mother to be proud of it too, she should be, she deserves to be, but NOT because she didn't choose abortion. Would I be able to thank her, to be grateful to her for the what-if of her using birth control?? Plus if it helps her feel better I am all for that, mainly because I do know what she means when she reminds me how lucky I am, or what she went thru to get me where I am. Hearing it from her grates because I know too much, or have thought too much about this subject LOL, but not as badly as hearing it from strangers. My mom hid her pregnancy for 6 months so that the local doc couldn't do an abortion, and the doc was mad at her and said the only thing to do now is to go to the maternity home. She didn't choose that either. I want her to be proud of bringing me into this world, no matter what happened before or after, she deserves to be. I just wish abortion didn't have to come in that convo in that way, casue it doesn't have to. I think this is one of those paradoxes that some people get stuck in. I have, obviously LOL.

exactly, you should be thankful you weren't aborted or beaten up, and ya get to go to church. What can you say to that stuff? I usually stand there with my mouth open for a bit LOL thinking where do these people get off... Now with the abortion one I almost always reply, I'm glad you weren't aborted either. Then they are the one standing there wondering what in the world is wrong with this person. Maybe it's from my experiences in life, but IMO more people are born by an unplanned pregnancy than a planned one. I'd even go so far to say that planned pregnacies are rare. Could just be me tho :D and I also think (LOL sorry) that unplanned pregnacy does not mean unwanted or available for adoption or abortion, it's just how most of us came into the world.

Dickons, Forgive me, I'm just having one of those kind of weeks (I wish I could say days). Now I'll go crawl in a hole.

Caths, i don't think you are naive, I read that the same way as you do. As far as the thread catagories, I try not to be offended by them, they obviously trigger me and I feel they insult my mother a bit. It's nothing more than a pro-life sales pitch for adoption. But I have heard from many adoptees and mothers that they will never visit this site again because of that sort of attitude.

Gmarie - we all have those weeks - glad to know it wasn't personal. Kind regards,Dickons

Hey speak for yourself. I'm perfect :evilgrin: HA!! Yeah right!

I don't wish my mother had an abotion, I wish my father had used a condom. My adoption causes pain still for me, my birth mother and father and my grandparents. Prolife people always push adoption because they don't like the thought of murdering babies....they truth is birth control should be readily availablem affordable and children should be taught sex ed in 6th grade. Ignorance is the reason I am here and I suffer the effects every day. I am not some un happy adult I am the what most adoptees feel. you can say well my 11 year old adopted son is very happy, the truth is the full impact of adoption of adoption doesn't hit you until adulthood.

Dickons: I really appreciate your perspective. I think you're absolutely on target here. Thanks C

My A-parents never brought that word up in front of any of us. It wasn't even anything that I had considered until I talked to the nuns. Non-identifying information included information about her decision not to after serious consideration and a three week trip out of state. "I decided to come back instead." She even tried to take care of me for a while. So, while a lot of A-parents might use this kind of thing to hold over some children's heads, I have to say, that I was truly sick to my stomach when I found out just how close that I came to being a statistic. So while some might be offended by the idea that the "might have been aborted" subject comes up, I take it as an opportunity to make people understand that not every woman considers an abortion first. A lot of them immediately decide to adopt them out. More and more are opting for open adoptions. I think that's a great way to go. Regular letters, pictures and phone calls seem to have helped my friend's daughter to adjust well, and has eased the pain of my friend for truly not being able to care for her at the time. I am grateful that my mother opted to give me life. I am grateful that a family was willing to take in a nearly year old female child, rather than the male infant that they had been on the waiting list for, for five years. There are a lot of things that I'm grateful for, and I'm concerned that people think that it should be a bad thing to be thankful for what we can be thankful for. Not all of us have wonderful adoption stories to share. I've also had to be very introspective to realize how difficult that this situation turned out to be for my adoptive parents. I just hope that people understand that some of us do have information that puts that kind of thinking into us. Grateful to be alive and breathing, because of whatever force in the universe that caused her to change her mind. And I would hope that people wouldn't think less of me for having that gratitude in me. Glad to be alive and kicking, even if I have to get kicked around a little, myself. Thanks to two sets of parents, one that conceived me, the other that raised me. I know that I can survive, through having survived. I'm probably rambling and not making any sense. Just my two cents, for what it worth. :flower: