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My husband and I adopted two boys from the foster system about 4 years ago. We're ready to grow our family again and assumed we'd go foster-to-adopt. While we're still pursuing that, a dear friend approached me about a girl who is pregnant, and placing. She's very young (15) and asked my friend, who said no and my friend wants us to write her a letter about us and include pictures.
My friend told me that the girl doesn't know the gender (she's 5 months) because she doesn't want to get attached. The father is known and is also young.
One of the things I wish I could provide our sons is contact with their first families. However, the social workers made that impossible (they told me a year after the boys were home that their first mom wanted an open adoption but they didn't tell us because they didn't think it was wise). I feel like it would be so much easier if our sons knew how loved they are. I also feel like it might help their first mom heal faster.
Before our sons came home I was sure I'd never want an open adoption. Now that we have a completely closed one I see how wrong I was.
Obviously, there's no guarantee this girl will want us to parent her child. However, she's not going through an agency (I wish she was so she'd get counseling), so I have a feeling there aren't many options out there.
How do I tell her (and the father, and the grandmother, who is very involved) that we're available for contact and will remain so, that it's really up to her, but I would like information about her, at the very least, to give our child? How do I let her know that she's the child's very first mom and I realize nothing can replace that? I don't want to sound sappy at all.
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There seems to be two parts to your post.
If you want to open contact with your boys first parents do you have any way of finding them? We were 4 years post adoption in a closed adoption and I was able to find the Grandfather as I knew his name. I just called him up and said who I was and asked him if he would like to speak with me....we went from there. If not then as your boys first Mom said she wanted could you not go back to the workers and push them for more contact info or do you have her name? It is not too late to open the closed adoption.
With regards to this young girl, I would approach it the way you intend to continue, as honestly and openly as you can be.
I am sure some wiser voices from the First Mom side will chime in but that is my 2cents.
SM
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We did a quick search on their first mother and father. We could find neither one. My feeling is that the social workers weren't all the way honest with us (I did find some court records) and that she may be dangerous for the kids to be around. That hurts alot, and I pray my sons don't feel the loss so much that it negatively affects their lives, but it is what it is. It's not uncommon in the foster world to have a completely closed adoption. We do have contact with their former foster parents. I am unwilling to risk it now, when the kids are older, sure, but not at their young age. This would be a totally different scenario. This girl would CHOOSE to make an adoption plan. Part of why we've shied away from domestic infant is, well, I don't want it to be coercive in any way. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to place their child because of finances or because we're in a different place in life. And just HOW do you tell someone that their biggest hurt is your biggest joy? That's part of why we'd like an open adoption, that way the child's first mom can still be a part of his/her life, there aren't questions about "where I came from" or "what did she love to do" the first dad, too. i know more about my son's mom than their dad.with all that baggage we felt it best to go through the foster system again, hoping to keep things similar for our un-bio kids (the boys are biological brothers). however, this situation literally came out of left field and there's no way we can say no. it wouldn't make any sense at all to say no! i can't imagine being 15 and not going through an agency, I can't imagine what this girl is thinking/feeling. i do know she's in a relationship with the father, so i figure they're both probably pretty torn up, but maybe they aren't? i've never been in those shoes. we've lost children to miscarriage, but we've never had to make the choice. . .
I think you need to be upfront from the beginning on what you want, let her know you're interested in contact and what that means. I think for some expectant mothers have prospective parents who see openness as a benefit to the children is a good thing.
As far as an agency, not everyone is comfortable with an agency. I also think that there are too many agencies out there who don't give adequate counseling, it can instead just be a fact finding mission for the PAPs. There also seem to be very few agencies out there that offer really good post adoption support. So going through an agency isn't necessarily mean she's going to get the counseling she needs. If you are worried about it you could offer to set up a fund for her designated for counseling, that way she can find a third party counselor who works for her.
I hope you're able to be honest with her and this all works out. It's a tough road ahead, but just be true to yourself and you'll be fine.
Racilious, I like the idea of setting up a fund, but I couldn't offer that unless I knew that it is legal (I know our state has very strict limits) and that we could afford to. My husband makes a good living, but I doubt we could guarantee a grand a month . . . Half that, probably, but it would less for the child. We're very comfortable, but nit wealthy. I'd like to continue vacations and extra lessons, etc, when we grow our family. The idea is great, though, so I'll look into the possibility. I do not intend on being anything less than honest, I just don't know when or how to ask the things that need asked. It seems presumptuous in a letter of introduction to say "hey, if you pick us to parent your child we'd also like to send you lettrs and pictures, meet up once or twice a year and tell the child what you and dad are like.". Parenting a child is a huge gift in our lives . . .
GrowingAgain, Most states allow for counseling costs for the expectant parents to be paid by the adopting parents. Your adoption attorny can confirm that. What you could include with your letter is a document describing exactly what adoption is, their rights and the types of adoption available. I will see if I can find a reliable source for that type of document that isn't full of the language meant to get the parents to choose adoption which you are trying to avoid. Most of John Q Public has no idea. What state are you in? Kind regards,Dickons
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My daughter's foster adoption was closed in the beginning and we opened it with a grandfather soon after it was final. We've had meetings, exchanged photos, and regular updates. My daughter has also spoken to her birthmom on the phone and I have talked to her several times. It helps that I can call and get an aswer to my daughter's question about something right then. I hope you can find someone in the family who might like contact like that. Right now, my daughter has chosen to back away from any contact but I still talk to them and update. This couple is very young, and will change a great deal over the years. If they do choose to place, I would leave my information with both of them and possibly their parents.
GrowingAgain, I would suggest that you read this document (the pertinent areas) and then perhaps forward the link and copy and paste areas that pertain specifically to the rights of the expectant parents - how they should be treated - the types of adoption etc. Even if your state does not specifically specify counseling as an approved expense your adoption, attorney can submit a request for approval to the court well before you file the adoption petition. I cannot see any judge refusing the request and then it is pre-approved and does not impact the petition. [URL="http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/publications/2006_11_Birthparent_Study_All.pdf"]http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/publications/2006_11_Birthparent_Study_All.pdf[/URL] Kind regards,Dickons