When did adoption loss hit you ?

I have found, until now, that no one in my family truly understands the way I feel. I have been loved my whole life by my adoptive parents and family but I am still lonely. Its like being in a black hole. I have not only had to try and accept that I was adopted but when I was 18 I gave up a son. After 42 years I still think of my son everyday. I am saddened to think that my son may feel this way too. I just want him to know I love and miss him. His father, we have kept in touch all this time, misses him also.

I was someone who had married parents and they divorced when I was a small child. After the divorce, my father stopped coming around and my mother later remarried and my step father adopted me. I always knew I had a father out there because I had vague memories of him and I was big enough to remember my step father entering the picture and becoming my new dad. I was always conscious of my father being somewhere and was never really sure if he loved me and had regrets or if he never loved me and was without paternal feelings. I put off contacting him because I knew that facing him and a paternal family would probably throw me into an emotional tailspin over the loss and I couldn't be sure of what I was to him, emotionally. So, I did nothing. As an older adult I finally took the plunge and contacted him. After contacting him, I was left with an emotional trauma that took me through a period of depression and grief I would not want to see anyone go through. What I discovered was that I had had a first father who had lied to people as to why I had been adopted and then proceeded to lie about me and my "supposed" actions and comments during our reunion so that other family members would understand his lack of communication with me and why they should not have contact, either. I discovered that I had spent most of my life without my grandparents and other family who once knew me due to a skilled liar and manipulator who never wanted to be my father in the first place. I discovered that he had spent his life giving reasons and excuses as to why I was out of the picture in such a fashion that none were around in the past (time of my adoption) or stayed around in the present (time of my reunion). So, it it all has hit me at different levels throughout my life. I am not sure what is worse sometimes......having a father who never had the right feelings for me or losing a family due to his manipulative lies. When this happens, I think about the good family I grew up in and it gives me peace. I grew up with a lot of love and closeness. Also, because I was a step father adoption, I have half of my family as blood relatives. So, I only have half of my history tied up in adoption issues.

I'm not sure that I can remember a time that I didn't feel like something wasn't right. I found out very young, and in a not so pleasant way. Such is the way of life. We take the good with the bad and either whimper in a corner, or try to step forward. I've done both. That path forward has always been hard on me. I never fit in with the extended adopted family. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I look nothing like my other siblings, two of which were miracles for my adoptive mom. They adopted two children because they were told that they couldn't conceive and would never have their own. The two youngest siblings have very strong familial similarities. Features that are very different from mine. My younger brother was adopted as an infant just days after he was born. He has found out a little about his mother and says he really doesn't need to know her. He doesn't seem to have the same issues that I do, as my birth mother kept me for 6 months or so before giving me up. My life has been filled with doctors, IQ tests, therapists and psychologists. Who would have guessed that an adopted kid could be as smart as all of the tests showed. (yeah, I've been hit with the "lower class stock" comments) As a child, my adoptive parents struggled to understand why I wasn't close to them. Then they got hit with the information that I was raised for 6 months in a commune and the light bulb clicked on. My bonds had already been formed. My adoptive mom was devastated and I think that's one of the reasons that our relationship is so hard to this day. I know she loves me, and I love her. But the bond isn't the same as the bond that she shares with her other children. Another sting of the pain of adoption separation. I want to be close to my adoptive mom. Past sins and woes have long since been forgiven in my heart, it really bothers me that I'm not close to the family that I do have in my life. I was no angel to have to deal with. Always having emotional issues, always trying my parents in some strange way. And my adoptive mother had un-diagnosed mental and emotional disorders. I know that feeling all too well. Forgiveness didn't come easy, but understanding came in a flash. I wasn't diagnosed with my issues until I was 30. Something has always been missing for me. This little black shard that I can't fill and I can't put into words properly. I feel odd, because I feel so strongly about finding my birth mother, but my brother seems to think that its just cruel to my adoptive parents to try to find her. My adoptive father is the one that found out what my birth name was and shared that information with me when I turned 18. He knew, just as my adoptive mom did, that I'd end up trying to find my birth mother. They had resigned themselves to that, even though it hurt them. I love them even more for not trying to hide that from me, when they could have. I've been trolling the internet for years trying to find any extra information. I've put my name out there. Sites have died and shut down. I've never discussed these things with anyone outside of my close circle of family and friends. I can't talk to my adoptive family about it. They think its a slight on them. That I don't love them enough. I wish that I could convince them that it has nothing to do with them. They are truly good people that have done what the rest of us do. Fight to get through our struggles day by day. I have a hard time making personal connections with people, so support groups tend to set the stage for severe anxiety attacks. I usually pass over these types of things. I think I'm wearing thin on this though. I've never been around another adoptee that will admit to these types of feelings. I think that I finally need to know that I'm not the only one feeling like something has always been missing from a very vital part of me. Thanks for the venting space.

Myzphoenyz, you are not the only one feeling this way, I too feel the same, I am so missing something too. I never fit in with my adoptive family and now that I am older it is even worse. I have a deep resentment for them and don't even know why other then they are mostly men or are very stand offish and my a mother gets so emotional and starts crying. I found my birth family and it was a heartbreak. My mother still wants nothing to do with me. I have a shallow relationship with my father, but I am grateful I have that. I have to say that having a blood relative does make alot of difference regardless of what they try to make you believe as an adoptee, to have people with the same traits and personality does something for me. I have so much anger being adopted and I hope someday to come to terms with it. Keep searching, but just be prepared for all kinds of different reactions that you may receive, but it is worth it.

Myzphonyx: Have you considered a search angel? {{{hug}}}

I was angry for a long time. I'm well past that point in my life. I came to the conclusion long ago, that anger does nothing but poison MY life. It does no harm to anyone else. I've moved into the forgiveness stage of things. That is freeing for me, to a point. I know that people are not perfect, and to expect them to be so is callous and unrealistic. I, myself, cannot be held to that standard, thus leaving me no moral high ground in judgement of others. My A-parents wanted a family. My B-mother felt incapable of caring for me. There were problems that were hidden from everyone, and I'm sure that everyone suffered for it. I know for a fact that I and my A-family did. I am not blameless in the issues in our lives. But how can someone understand and get help for something that they didn't know existed? They tried to get me help. I'm not a very trusting person of people that I may view as "in authority" over me. Psychologists hate it when I mock their insincerity openly. I am ill fitted for group therapy settings. So, I have had to come to a lot of peace making on my own. I love my A-family, troubles and all. I love my B-mother, because she gave me a gift that no one else could. I've been told that I have a "unique view" of things from an adoptee's standpoint. I correct them. I have an evolved view. I was enraged for many years. None of this fills that little void. Even if I found out that my B-parents are people that I would not tend to associate with, I would at least.. know. I would no longer question certain things that eat at me. That would be closure. That would be a painful step, but a healing step. Thank you for sharing with me. If I can leave anyone here with anything at all, please, don't see me as a pathetic figure. My pain is not from my sufferings in life. My pain comes from the unknown. Without my experiences in life, good, bad and indifferent, I would not be who I am today. I had to learn that rage is a soul killer and that all that I was doing, was killing myself. Much love and many blessings!

A mother that has lost her child to adoption, can never, ever be a mother to her other children. She has a big SCARLETT letter on her, in her mind Adoption, stealing a child from their mother brings pain to everone, always.

Search for what? A mother that had her child stolen,,then what?????????????? What for the child, what for the mother, what for the other children? Search for what, broken lives?

Adoptees should be angry, they should be appalled that anyone would claim to be ther "mother" when they were taken from their true mother!

I am angry at the adoption BS. A beautiful child is taken from their mother, their life, and turned over to a life of "who am I" .. ? Their siblings, because of this is in limbo, not knowing, only knowing something is wrong with mom,,something not right. Right, nothing can ever be right when your child is taken from you by adoption. JUST SAY HELL NO TO ADOPTION!

It has hit me the most during times of loss and change. The most recent was last June when my birthfather died. His health had been declining for a few years and I had been in his life for 11 years. I saw him take his last breath at the hospital. He had been in and out several times for various things over a few years and came to the point of no return the last time. He was suffering with many health issues and came to the point that they injected him with enough morphine to take him out to end the suffering. I was the only one there at the time and it was life changing to say the least. There also was strain around the issue of his Will and I was verbally abused and accused of coming into his life for the money. His sister and niece mentioned this to my him a few days before he died, which caused our last conversation to be short and I feel he was unsure of my intentions of being in his life and helping him out until the end. His sister and niece didn`t even show up for his funeral, yet they were sure interested in getting more than what he stated in his Will for them. In short I experienced much anxiety around this event and decided to accept a lesser amount to cut myself clean of further having to relate with that part of the family anymore. I have left many relationships throughout my life due to my abandonment/attachment issues, yet this is one that I told them I want nothing more to do with them. I have been in counseling for about 6 months and have really gotten a better look at my issues surrounding adoption. It`s been a rough road lately and hope I get out of this funk sometime soon.

Hi Steve, I read your post and had many of the same feelings related to my a-family.My story is long and convoluted so I wont bore you with the details.I have had attachment issues all my life, and like you, I could end a relationship at any time.My own a-family was abusive and gave little thot or concern about how I could go to school or they could provide help at any time.Their thots were mainly centered around my becoming of age and their responsibility ending.I learned early that many people want you only for what you can do for them. It's never about you. As an adoptee you are there to make sure other people have all their needs met. It was a different era, and the word of adults was law. In the end, the better life I dreamed about i would have to create. There was no one to provide a 2nd chance, or try to help if a mistake was made.When school was finished and I began to work, again demands were made that I contribute to the family. I fulfilled the obligations made of me by my a-fathers death bed promise. But it was not enough.In the end, I called them together. I indicated I was leaving and they were not to call even in the face of catastrophic illness. They accepted what I said, but continued to want to hang on.I have no further contact with them and I am happier. There will be no more contributions from me. In the meantime, I will remember all the abuse and my reasons for leaving but I will be at peace because I lived by the quote: "I did not ask for the life I was given, it was given nonetheless, and with it I did my best."I wish you the best.

I was adopted at 5 months thru the Black Market. I always knew there was a deep secret that i didn't know. At age 7, I was told about the adoption in a distant, informative way. I was not related to anyone in my family and that I was suspect and tainted. From age 7, I worried what would happen. Would I get sent to the street? Where would I go and what would I do? I believed no one would take me in. Until I was 45 i did not feel i was worthy of searching. Then it hit. I had no adoption documentation of any type but I did have a baptismal certificate from the church where I was baptized in the town where the adoption was finalized. This started my search. The search has been ongoing for almost 55 years without any success. There is almost no paper trail, and the information is scant. I can only assume that the mystery will never end. I wish you the best. I always knew i was an outsider as a result of the adoption.

Drywall, have you considered using Search Angels? Many have had remarkable success in locating First Moms using *scant* info. I wish you peace.

MamaGina, thank you for your kind concern.In the past I have used several search angels, but my search is difficult and not unlike the search of a needle in a hay stack.In the mid '30's unmarried women were encouraged to give up their child and forget about it. The hospital would handle all the expenses such as expenses for pre-natal care, delivery, attorney fees etc. There was no requirement that they look back.The sales pitch was that the child would be adopted by a wealthy couple who could provide many more opportunities. The child would be included in a wealthy family and raised with great care.The focus of the event was immediate. No thot was given as to the child growing up or any aspect of the child searching for the birth parents. It was simple. In that period, birth moms in many cases had a child she could not raise, and the child was being offered to a group of wealthy parents who were unable to have children. It was a win, win situation for everyone. The perfect solution to end a degrading situation and encompassing the dark side for mother and child.The only loser was the child and that didn't matter. Names on birth certificates were falsified so that even today courts caution the acceptance of birth names as factual.The hospital thru which I came was a black market institution eventually closed by the state for trafficking in children.I am now a part of that era. So i don't know that much can be done.At any rate, again thank you for your kind concern.I wish you the best.