Prioritizing in an OA

No answers; I'm struggling right along with you. Can you formalize what you're willing to commit to? as in X visits per year on certain months? that way you aren't constantly making the call. our quarterly visits have a time chosen one month prior. at that close a time, i typically know any important dates. even with that, one visit fell when J had a stomch bug.. she started throwing up when we were still 1/2 hour away. i chose to go through with the visit. as for what J will think when she grows up, I'm sure there will be many things she appreciates.. and many she doesn't. all i can do is make the best judgement call at the time. i know in my heart i've tried. good luck finding your balance

I've been trying to navigate this for close to four years....I have the same concerns that you do with regards to visit scheduling especially! Sometimes I think, "What would Dee do?"In my case? Dee would not miss a family wedding for a visit. Dee did move across the country. I believe that adoptive parents can benefit by the whole "what is best for the child" argument because what's best for the parent can easily be extrapolated to be what's best for the child. However, for first parents it's not nearly as analogous. Me getting a better job across the country doesn't benefit Cupcake, so that could be construed as me being selfish. I hate using the "f" word, but I have no choice here! It's not fair ;)

It's a difficult and important question. One that will vary from situation to situation and year year to year within a family unit and won't look the same when you look at a different family unit.I still make some decisions with Munchkin in mind. Example: Our next home purchase (3 years out) will be big enough for all of us during a visit. I can't comment on a job aspect, as I'm stuck here until retirement. They will be the ones who move farther away if anyone moves. In the end, I always inform D of anything that is changing in our lives that may (or even may not) affect the Munchkin, visits and so on. Some of it is out of my control (example: BB starting elementary school and thus our lives and schedules are forever changed).

Thank you all, what you say gives me lots of food for thought. So looking at the big stuff, specifically living close by or having an ability to have frequent visits, for me in my life trumps other things. I have a decent job I don't mind most of the time, even if I don't love it, so I don't have any qualms choosing not to apply for a new job since it would take me out of state. But I do know that there's always a possibility that my son's parents will choose to move, and if that happens, then my decisions to not look for a job I really love that might be out of state will seem like a bad decision. I guess it seems to make sense to make a relationship a priority when the other parties involved are also in part prioritizing that relationship, but when the other party doesn't treat that relationship with as much importance I think I would sort of feel foolish or naive. Do both sides ever see the relationship as equal importance in OA? Or is it impossible to happen because of the inherent differences that TG brought up? And if it's possible to have an equal relationship, how do you work towards that? Is there something I can do, or conversations I can start in order to really flush out how we all are approaching this?

Honestly, it's a lower priority for us than it was at first. (We moved in large part to be close enough to see them regularly, for example.) But over the three-ish years of our OA, it has become clear that Cricket's moms don't want as close an OA as we do--so we put less of a priority on being constantly available etc. Now we're parenting, and our highest priority is abruptly Joey: we are moving further away from Cricket and his moms (best for us, crappy for the OA). And I have felt foolish for trying so hard early on. At the same time, I don't have to wonder whether if I had tried harder, we'd have a closer relationship. I tried hard, and we aren't close. Case closed.It feels impossible to show the right level of interest and dedication sometimes. We are seeing them this weekend, one last time before the move: Do I bring Cricket's birthday present and ask them to give it to him on his birthday, or is it overinvested of me to have it months in advance? I am more and more cautious, trying to take my cues from Cricket's parents. I don't necessarily advise this course of action, but it's how things have turned out (so far) for us.

It is hard....if I had passed up an opportunity to move for a better job only to have Dee move away for a better job, I would have been frustrated to say the least. Susie also brings up an interesting point with regards to parenting subsequent children.You're supposed to make decisions with the child(ren) in mind....so what happens when those two things conflict? When what's "best" for the child I'm parenting isn't best for my placed child or the OA? How do you navigate that? I think that's something that's scary and complicated for me...

Honestly, I've always found it strange that when I have heard all sides of the triad say we need to maintain OA for the kids, they only seem to think of the adoptees, not necessarily the siblings. For instance, Susie, if Joey starts expressing interest in seeing Cricket more often than Ruth and Nora encourage, is it okay to call them out on the fact their keeping you at a distance is now hurting your kid? Does the birth parents having full or half siblings in their family up the stakes for the adoptive family to keep up their end of things? Susie, I think it makes sense that at this point that since you're not that close, it impacts how you prioritize the relationship. Perhaps that's one of the reasons I feel it's so important to really prioritize this relationship now, to get a good foundation in place. I guess in my (perhaps naive) mind, if I'm just a normal part of their life, and having me around is something they enjoy, then they won't be as likely to make a decisions that affects our OA without at least considering me. Like I understand they might have to move one day, but if they moved without a good reason for the move or without considering how to maintain the OA after the move, I think it would be really hard to deal with.

I think it all depends on the dynamics of the relationship. I also think it depends on if it's a "big" thing or a "little" thing. When it comes to moving distances, my oldest son's bparents both moved far away (12 hours by plane - one in each direction, lol). From our situation/standpoint, I didn't expect them to factor our OA into the decision of whether or not TO move, but I DID hope they'd take into consideration how they would continue to nurture the relationship now that there WAS a distance. (One has been pretty sucessful. The other, not so much). I think "priority" is such a loaded word when it comes to relationships of this sort...sometimes people need to make decisions that are right for them (or their "in the home" family) that may not be ideal in the context of other relationships...but that doesn't mean that the other relationships aren't a priority, kwim? I think, racilious, that making decisions is a two step process. The first step is making choices that are ultimately in your best interest. If it's something that will directly impact your relationship with your little one, that may be part of the decision making. Step 2 would be to decide what to do to continue navigating a healthy OA based on the choice you made. (OMG. Does this make ANY sense? It does in my head, but not so much on paper...er...on screen).

Love, I think you make total sense, and I think you're right. I know no matter what decisions I make in my life, I have to acknowledge the impact they have on my OA. If those impacts are negative for the OA, I do think it's important to find ways to minimize or deal with those negative things. Definite food for thought...

I've been thinking about this for a few days now, as I just wrote another letter to Kiddo and I was thinking we are probably gettting close to needing to think about another visit anyway. In the beginning, I thought about Kiddo with every decision I made, now, not so much. I'm like Susie and started realizing that Kiddo's mom wasn't much interested in a close relationship with me and that they probably weren't seeing our OA as a high priority. I should have figured that out in the very beginning, but I digress, haha. Now I have an almost DH (can't believe that is only a month away) and a step son to worry about when it comes to making major life decisions. They are my priorities and really I think that is how it should be. As my schooling advances and eventually my career and as my step son gets older and goes to college, we are discussing moving for more opportunity to us. We will probably stay in the state as almost all of our family is here, but we may move across the state, which in South Dakota would be about five hours from Kiddo. Do I take that into consideration? Not so much anymore. I decided about two years ago that no matter what Kiddo's mom and dad think, I can't put my life on hold. I need to do what was is right for me and my family, just as they need to do what is right for them and their family. I know that me being here will have no impact on them moving in the future, changing jobs, etc. So I make my decisions based on that, just like TGM. Ok, that turned out to be WAY long and rambling. Maybe if I was closer to them and closer to Kiddo, it would matter to me more. At this point, not so much.

Believe me, I brood about this. Ruth and Nora do seem genuinely interested in Joey and Cricket having a relationship, but the boys won't see each other often. I hear you, lady. I'm glad you're moving forward, and in such a wonderful way. Congratulations!