Other moms considering adoption/have placed baby for adoption?

Maybe talk to an agency and get their perspective because they have a lot of experience with this. We work with Independent Adoption Center and at one point were in the process of adopting a baby who had 3 siblings and the counselors had some good insight.

Little different situation, but we are adoptive parent to a four year old and her sister remains in the care of her first mother. We just explain it matter of factly for now. She, too, asks if sister can live with us and we just say "No, baby sister lives with C and visits us" and she accepts that most of the time. Its not easy, but it suffices for now.

Please be aware that not only will you be dealing with your own grief for the rest of your life, but you will be dealing with the grief of your children. I placed my first born, but my subsequent children have faced their own losses. How they have processed these things varied with their age, but it has been something we revisit with each new developmental stage. The son I placed also has struggled mightily. Don't get me wrong, my situation is one of the best you can get... fully open, with strong family relationships. But there is still loss, grief and, in my case, trauma, that has lasted years. Preserve your family if you can. Parenting is not a selfish choice, but something you would be doing for all you children.

There was a girl that lived across the street from us who was also in birth mother housing like I was and she had a ten year old son. While I think he was sad that the baby wasn't going to be his brother he understood that it was what's best for all involved. She allowed him to help pick the couple and he got to meet them as well. It was important to allow him to be a part of the process. Her son was amazing and well behaved and it was really nice the way she just always treated him with respect. Was it hard on both of them, I am sure but she knew she could barely take care of the two of them and that a baby would have made it impossible.

I'm new here as well and hoping to become an adoptive parent. The person who has been guiding my husband and I and full of advice is my husband's cousin. She is an adoptive Mom to two girls and both birthfamilies had two older children already. If you'd like, I can send you a message and try to get you in touch with her. She is a wonderful and giving person and I'm sure she would be willing to speak with you and tell you about her experiences.

If you really need to place your unborn child, having your other two involved in the process, selecting the family, and being open and honest with them is probably the best thing you can do. The birthmoms that I have met that have older children that seem to be adjusting as ok as can be expected seem to have handled it that way, especially since yours are older. Would you be able to get them counseling as part of the adoption agreement because I know in NJ it is required it is offered to the birth parents? Maybe you could ask for them as well.

I have three children and I am pregnant with my fourth... My oldest turned 5 today and my youngest turned one two weeks ago... I am not sure what to tell them at this point... I just spoke to my PAP's for the first time today and I am meeting them tomorrow to go to an ultrasound... I tried to explain to my son that he will still be the baby's brother but mommy and daddy wont be the baby's mommy and daddy. I am really worried about how they will handle it when the baby is born and they realize we dont get to bring the baby home and all of that. I dont know how I can explain to this baby that I could keep the three I have but not him(or her) - My family is homeless right now - I know its important for me that my kids love the PAP's as i trust their judgement more than mine, and its important that they allow my children to continue a relationship with their sibling - just because i gave my rights up doesnt mean they gave up their's... I hope it helps to know someone else is going through the same thing you are and I wish you the best of luck

I think anyone considering adoption in your circumstances is a brave person. Looks like mom2threeMK could have some great advice for you. Your children should definitely be involved and an open adoption sounds like it may be the right choice for you and your family. I would meet with more than one agency and work with the one you feel the most comfortable with. I send you good vibes and prayers in your journey.

BTW I did not go through an agency the ones that i contacted told me i was crazy to think i would find someone who would allow me more than one visit and a few letters and pictures a year... so dont listen to them if they arent telling you what you want to hear you can always look for your parents on your own.

Hi Mom2threeMK,This is the exact reason my husband and I are not going through an agency to find a birthmother. We want to make this tough decision a little easier for someone by having a very open relationship. I don't know how people can expect someone to carry a baby and then not want to be a part of their life. Anyway, we are placing classified ads in papers and we have our profile on a bunch of websites. I was wondering if you could tell me how you found the parents you chose and give me some advice on where to put our profile for people to see?Thanks so much and I wish you good luck on this journey!Alison

The agency we used counsels all adoptive parents on the benefits of open adoption and will not work with Potential Adoptive parents who are not interested in openness. They also provided seminars and classes on all aspects of open adoption and offered post-adoption counseling to help birth and adoptive parents navigate when problems or questions came up about openness. I know this is not the norm, but there are some agencies out there with the philosophy that openness is beneficial for the child.

I have an older son from a previous marriage that lives with me and a younger child I just placed over 4 months ago. I went through an agency and told my counselor I did not want to look at any families that couldn't agree up to 6 visits a year complete with pictures and emails.6 visits sounds like alot, but it's important for my son to get to know his brother. I may have signed the surrender documents but he did not.The agency I chose also counsels adoptive parents on openness. That's part of their philosophy. Althouth from what my counselor told me, the typical arrangement is pictures monthly with 2 visits a year.My counselor told me my choice of adoptive parents would be limited since I was requesting more than the norm, but I told her then so be it. I wouldn't have wanted to look at the other ap's then anyways.I found a great family through the agency. they have actually went above and beyond what I requested. Now I did request 6 visits, but even I know that things happen and they will get busy or me and my oldest son may get busy as well. We may not always get to 6 visits but it's something that is at least agreed on and it would't be a surprise if I had only agreed to the typical 1-2 visits a year and then asked for more.

I am a birthmom. I also have a 2 yr old. we got incredibly lucky with our adoptive parents because they want our 2 yr old to have a close relationship with the new baby. We have spent so much time with them while i was pregnant that it made everything much easier after. It is still difficult from time to time, but we have a very close relationship with the a parents and the children will grow up having that brother-sister bond we always wanted. the 2 yr old probably doesnt understand everything yet, but he knows where his sister is and that those are her new parents now. He is able to go see her whenever he asks. the relationship between you and the a parents is what makes the adoption successful.

I lost my daughter to adoption in 1987, she is now 24 years of age. I have three other children aged 10, 8, and 4. I struggle every day with the loss of my daughter to adoption. It hurts and I was, like many mothers, a victim of my youth, social norms and an inefficient (or conversly, efficient!!) adoption agency. However, seeing the pain it causes my children is ten times worse. I have had an 'open' adoption with many, many issues. My children have always known about their sister. They have met her and they love her. She likes them too but is very busy with her early adult lifestyle. They look up to her but she doesn't make the effort to develop a relationship with them (though she enjoys being with them). I answer their questions about why she doesn't come to visit as honestly as I can. I struggle with their pain and loss. I feel guilty for it but I was only a kid when I lost her, I was taken advantage of by those around me at the time. I would definitely change the 'decision' I made to relinquish my daughter for ME, but also for my children. Their relationship will never be what it would have been if my eldest daughter was raised with my current children. We all grieve that and it is something we work through every day.

Hi! I am a mom who placed her 2nd child. My son was 4 when he was finally told about his sister. He was only 10 months when I placed her. I sat him down after someone slipped and said something to him. I told him in simple terms that a 4 year old could understand. He is now 25 years old and she is 24. We reunited 7 years ago and they are close friends! Keep it real and honest. Don't hide it from them. I agree that if you could get counciling this would be so helpful. I am so glad I didn't hide everything from my son because now they are two peas in a pod.