Who's who?

August 1, 2011

Teacake,

Welcome to the forums...

teacake

Hi All,

I was adopted a year and a half after I was born along with my brother who was just born. Basically, I have no memories of bfamily. I grew up knowing they existed and that I had other siblings. Now, I'm 20 and my bmom just made contact with me a couple months ago. We met three times despite the distance.

Now that I've gotten to know them, bmother talks a lot about why she had to give my brother and me up for adoption. She's really guilty and I have told her that she really doesn't have anything to feel guilty for but it keeps coming up. It's so frustrating. Most of the time that's all she talks about and I want to move on and have some other conversations...but at the same time I understand that she has been in a lot of emotional pain. It wasn't something she would have ever wanted.

Have you told her it kind of makes you uncomfortable and would prefer to spend the time getting to know her and her you? If that does not work be more blunt and tell her that it bothers you and you get emotionally drained from it.

I also don't really know how to juggle two sets of people who consider me their child. (Although I'm not a child anymore) I see my A parents as the real thing but when I mentioned that I met with my B parents my mom was angry and probably scared. My Bparents want to help me out with whatever they can (school) but it feels weird receiving anything from people I don't really know and have always fantasied about.

It is pretty normal for your mom and dad to have a few pangs of insecurity. Some deal with it openly and move past their fears, others never do. Some adoptees just find it easier to just not bring it up and only talk about it when their parents ask. Do you live at home? That would make it harder because it is in their face so to speak.

I would not feel right taking anything either pictures and things like that - perhaps way down the road but nothing when so new and creates the atmosphere of obligation on your part - just thank them nicely and let it go. Perhaps tell them they can take you to dinner when you get through a semester or whatever it is called?

Anyone have a similar story?

Also what are we (adoptee's) supposed to say when our bparents tell us "i love you". I don't know them...how can I love them? It's all so confusing & interconnected.

Only what you feel. If in time you grow to love them then return it, until then it isn't true so perhaps say it's nice of you to say that so soon into our relationship or something similar that tells them it's too soon for you.

Anyways, danke.

TeaCake

Kind regards,

Dickons