Initial boundary and expectation setting after adoption

Several things to think about are what level of openness you think is best for you and your child, how much info to give the bio families and how much time you are willing to spend on visits. You can always open up more as time goes on, so don't think you need to give everything right now. When we took PMC of our now DD she was 18 months old. We agreed to 4 visits a year and contact through a PO BOX. Visits were set up by us and Mom was given the time and date by mail. Always in a public place like McDonalds or a mall. We also agreed to send out regular pics and updates( no time table on those). Mom could see DD on her birthday and a day close to Christmas. We initially only had contact through the PO Box. Mom was required to update us on any moves she made, telephone number etc, so we could contact her if necessary. She did not have any info on where we lived, address or phone or any other personal info at all. We knew almost nothing about her or the Dad at the time, so we went with caution. Now after 2 years we have a very open relationship with both parents. They now have a son who is DD's full blood sibling. We see Dad more than Mom and he calls frequently( once a week). We also chat on Face Book. (It's a strange background on why we have DD anyway. Not the norm.) Neither parent abused her in any way, so our case is very different. I would suggest that you write out exactly what you want in terms of post-adoption visits/contact. If it's on paper, it's more likely they can be reminded of the terms of visits. In your case you would probably want to establish that there is to be no drug use or alcohol use while in the presence of your child . If you suspect any use before a visit, you have the right to cancel the visit. Any behavior you find offensive/detrimental to your child would be grounds for ending a visit. You can also decide what would cause you to stop visits altogether. Decide what limits you put on pictures and other personal info about your child. Will you allow them to post pics on their own FB pages for instance? Can they talk in public forums about your child?(FB, MySpace, etc) Figure out what titles you intend your child to use in the future with them. Is the Mom still called Mom or something else? Depends on the age, but we started out by calling bio Mom MommaG. I told her this is what would happen. Now after so much time has passed and our daughter is well attached to us, we now refer to her as Momma and Bio Dad is Daddy C, just because DD likes to add his name to Daddy. She has no problems knowing who they are and who we are. The most important thing for us was to give our DD time to attach to us, feel secure and not have problems seeing her bio family too soon after TPR. Take things slowly and really think about what is best for your child and how you will fit visits into a normal family life.

Thank you!The criminally dysfunctional family is more white collar crimes with domestic violence thrown in to the mix. They are able to keep up appearances with neighbors and work who would never suspect their history. They are known to pick up house and disappear when the law or CPS is on their tail, though they're currently living above board (or at least not getting caught).They want full openness, our phone and address, unsupervised overnights, weekly contact, and more. There's no way! Actually, I'm pretty sure they have our address & phone number as CPS gave them our full names. Grrr! I want to make it clear to them that there is no reason we would find it acceptable for them to call or show up even if they do know how.

Any other input? I'd like to hear about various people's experiences.

You will have to be clear, and it may involve hurting their feelings. But it has to be done, so that everyone is on the same page to begin with. I would just outline with them what you are comfortable with, whatever that is. Tell them that this is the extent of contact right now. If they don't like it, they will just have to get over it. You have to do what is right for your family. We are getting ready to adopt our little girl who has visits with bio great grandma and we have continued the visits with grandma on our own. She does not have visits with bio parents or any other bio family. But we recently found out that bio family knows who we are, where we live and where our little girl goes to daycare- due to a snafu with the State. I was horrified. Mom, I am not so worried about, but dad I am. So we are just extra cautious right now. Grandma knows the visits are only with her, no one else is to come. The visits are in a public place and we are always there. They last about an hour to an hour and a half. We don't have a specific time limit, but when our little girl is getting tired, the visit is done. We would call Grandma with the offer of a vist every three to four weeks. I recently gave grandma my cell number, so now she can request a visit anytime. We will more than likely stick to our current schedule of once a month or so. But grandma is not in great health and I don't know how much longer she will be here for our little girl. Even though grandma is very sweet, we will never allow unsupervised visits with her because of her health and because we know her grandkids take advantage of her and show up at any time.

i'd put it in writing.. even if its not legally binding, its harder to misinterpret than a verbal boundary spell out how often the visits, who are welcome to attend visits (ie, they can't add a stranger without your permission). what criteria will get visits terminated early, what will cause you to end all future contact. your policy on phone calls, texts, skype, email, presents i'd provide only a po box for snail mail. who incurs the costs of visits, location of visits, level of supervision at visits. if you have triggers, ie.. bm referring to herself a "mom" spell them out now.