Emotional

Hi all. After searching on and off for my birth mum for 20 years I finally located her in April. I also found out that she had another daughter a few years after putting me up for adoption and that she had given her the name she gave me at birth. That alone was a shock as I was only aware of an older sister that my mum had kept and an older brother who was also put up for adoption. Then a few days later I discovered through the internet that my birth mum had died in March. I was totally devastated that I had come so close to contacting her. My feelings are still all over the place at the moment, I cry, get angry, want to isolate, feel rejected, confused. Just when I think I've found some balance and everything going to be ok, something on the TV or something someone says triggers off the tears and the merry go round of emotions again. One minute I feel I have a right to feel as I do, then another I think that I have no rights over someone I never met. Its been over 3 months since I found out my mum had died and I think I actually feel worse now than I did back then. I am in the process of waiting for a reply from my half sister (through both of our social workers), who is obviously still upset over her mums death and now I have added to her distress by appearing out of nowhere as she was only aware of my brother that was adopted. We both now will have many questions that will go unanswered. Im kind of excited that I may get to meet my half sister and will then be able to learn more but it won't be the same as meeting my mum and the waiting is agonising. I do know that I have to give her the time she needs otherwise I will end up pushing her away. Tracey