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I wish i had found this forum sooner...here's my story.
It's been 10 years since my first child was born. 10 years of regret and heartache...of tears and of sadness. I have been told so many times that "it gets easier every year" and for some, that may be true. For me, every birthday of his that passes makes it just that much harder. I look at what amazing little people my children are and realize how much I have missed with him...things that I will never get back. Things that only a mother should know and do.
So often people tell me how amazing it was what I did, how selfless it was and how I made his parents happier then I could possibly imagine. I appreciate the sentiment when people say these things but the words piss me off. It was not amazing what I did. *I* was FORCED to give up my child. Not because I wanted to, or because I wanted a better life for him...but because I HAD TO and had no other option. Selfless are the amazing women who think nothing of themselves and give their child to a family because they genuinely want to make that sacrifice...I was not selfless. I was forced to give a part of myself to another couple to raise because if I didnt I would have been homeless and destitute. And his parents happiness? I could give 2 ****s about their happiness. They are wonderful people, and great parents but he is MY son. If it was legally possible to take him back, I would and would not feel 1 ounce of sadness for them in doing so. I know that sounds heartless and callous, but it's the truth.
The people involved in forcing me into it, I am sure believe that what they did was for the good of everyone. That my dad kicking me out at 16 because my step-mom refused to live with me was a good idea. Me knowing that they would have never allowed me to live with them so I could keep my son. The people I was living with in IL telling me under no uncertain terms that if I choose to keep him we would no longer have a place to live. Them knowing full well that I was all alone, that any resemblance of "family" was 2,500 miles away and still giving me that ultimatum. My mother...who couldn't even be bothered to come to my wedding or hell even call me for the 5 years I lived with my father. Who to this day cant even send my kids a simple birthday or Christmas card and writes her "Christmas Letter" like she only has 1 child and the girl she adopted and raised for 13 years never even existed. I am sure they feel like this was a CHOICE I made. When really it was a choice I was forced to make because there was no other choice out there. A part of me will never forgive them for what they forced me to do.
I know I would not be where I am right now if I had kept him. I doubt I would have walked into the blockbuster on that fateful day and reconnected with my husband. My 4 beautiful children wouldnt likely exist. I dont think I would be a midwife or be so passionate about some of things that am. I would have been a single mom and everything that comes with that. It would have been tough. I dont regret how my life has turned out even though I regret giving Zak up. I love my kids with every thing that I am, I love my husband more today then I did the day I married him. We are blessed that he has a great job with a great company and we have a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes on our backs and affords us the ability to buy things we want and not just things we need. We are healthy, the kids are happy and we have an amazing family that I am grateful for everyday. Even with my wonderful family and semi-awesome life, there is always that hole. The hole in the family portraits where Zak should be, the empty space at the table and the giant person sized hole that remains empty in both my heart and soul.
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It sounds to me like you have a good life now that you would not have had you kept your son. I understand being sad that you can't mother him, I have a child that I gave p 16 years ago, but you can't blame very one else for the choice you made. You may have had to go to a shelter, get a job and an apartment if you had kept him but you did make the decision to stay where you were. I don't mean to sound insensitive but in life we all have choices and you may not have liked the alternative had you kept him and you probably wouldn't have the life and children you have today but you did make the choice to give him a better life than you could have offered him at the time. I hope you find a way to find peace with this because being upset and blaming everyone else isn't helping anyone. You did the best thing for him at the time and although you wouldn't do the same thing today you did make a choice to do what was best for him.
Hello Squishy and welcome to this forum! My story is similar to yours. I was living with my parents and still in high school when I got pregnant by my highschool sweatheart. We had been together for a while by then and everything was great. I was shocked when I told him I was pregnant and he called me a whore and accused me of cheating on him. The first thing my mother said when she found out I was pregnant was, "You should get an abortion." My dad said, "You got yourself into this mess. I don't know how you are going to get out of it but you won't stay here. I've already raised my kids. I'm not going to raise yours." So, techically, I chose adoption. However, I hate it when people feel the need to remind me that I chose adoption. I did the only thing that I could do for my son at the time. I gave him the only shot at a good life that I felt I could offer him. There was no choice though. I recently got the chance to talk to him a few months ago. He will be twenty in September. He told me that he had wonderful parents and a great life. He said that he felt that I had made the right decision. I went to college after I placed my first son. I got a good education that provided me with a good career. I met a great man and we've been together almost 12 years. We have a son that will be 3 in November. I went on to have a good life as well. However, I have never gotten over losing my son. There will always be a whole in my heart where he is supposed to be. So far, we have only talked 3 times. Even if we move into a full fledged reunion, he will never be as close to me as he could have been if I had been allowed to chose to keep him. I am afraid that suffering his loss is a life sentence for me. I completely understand why you feel angry about your life circumstances at the time of your child's birth. I'm still angry sometimes too. I wish I could tell you it gets easier. However, I still have good days and bad days. I have triggers that will throw me into a tailspin just like everyone else in the triad. Hummermom is right when she says that you just learn how to deal with the pain. I hope that we can provide you the support and guidance that you are looking for on this forum. Sincerely, Gwen
Hummermom
(((((Squishy))))) I hear ya. I too believe it never gets better, I only learn to live with it more with each passing year. I too think the "made them happy" routine is little more than a bandaid on a head shot.
No advice, just hugs.
Gwen72
Hello Squishy and welcome to this forum! My story is similar to yours. I was living with my parents and still in high school when I got pregnant by my highschool sweatheart. We had been together for a while by then and everything was great. I was shocked when I told him I was pregnant and he called me a whore and accused me of cheating on him. The first thing my mother said when she found out I was pregnant was, "You should get an abortion." My dad said, "You got yourself into this mess. I don't know how you are going to get out of it but you won't stay here. I've already raised my kids. I'm not going to raise yours." So, techically, I chose adoption. However, I hate it when people feel the need to remind me that I chose adoption. I did the only thing that I could do for my son at the time. I gave him the only shot at a good life that I felt I could offer him. There was no choice though. I recently got the chance to talk to him a few months ago. He will be twenty in September. He told me that he had wonderful parents and a great life. He said that he felt that I had made the right decision. I went to college after I placed my first son. I got a good education that provided me with a good career. I met a great man and we've been together almost 12 years. We have a son that will be 3 in November. I went on to have a good life as well. However, I have never gotten over losing my son. There will always be a whole in my heart where he is supposed to be. So far, we have only talked 3 times. Even if we move into a full fledged reunion, he will never be as close to me as he could have been if I had been allowed to chose to keep him. I am afraid that suffering his loss is a life sentence for me. I completely understand why you feel angry about your life circumstances at the time of your child's birth. I'm still angry sometimes too. I wish I could tell you it gets easier. However, I still have good days and bad days. I have triggers that will throw me into a tailspin just like everyone else in the triad. Hummermom is right when she says that you just learn how to deal with the pain. I hope that we can provide you the support and guidance that you are looking for on this forum. Sincerely, Gwen
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Squishy, no, you are pretty "normal" in the bmom department, it NEVER gets easier. As a matter of fact, it actually gets harder as the years pass. Because the older you starts to argue with the younger you. And you look at your life and how it progressed, and you think, maybe I could have done it. Those feelings are forever. I will have pain in my heart until they plant me in the ground. You do learn to live with the pain, but no, it never gets better. Even a reunion brings up many different types of pain. The pain of all the years lost that can never be recaptured. And as for the thought that was mentioned regarding blaming others, no, we don't necessarily place all the blame on others, but WOW, we were young and tasked with making THE most earth shattering decision of our lives many times with only the guidance of the adoption industry. What's that saying about giving the fox the key to the henhouse? So I am sorry I can't ease your pain, but it may help to know that you are not alone in the pain you continue to have. Good luck
(((((Squishy)))))When your choices are so limited, especially for teenage moms who still live at home, the end result is basically you don't have any freedom of choice...and anger is a normal reaction when you realize years later exactly how coercive your parents really were. Only you know exactly what went down in your own situation. People can post all they want on how we all "freely choose" to relinquish, but the truth of the matter is they don't know you personally, so how can they know what was going through your head while you were pregnant?I relinquished my baby back during the Baby Scoop Era, a time when white middle-class girls were automatically expected to hand over their babies to adoption agencies. That's simply the way it was, the way we were socialized at that point in our country's history. Yes, it is my voluntary signature on those darn surrender papers, so I'm sure people could sit and lecture me about how it was my own choice...and they would be dead wrong. Heck, teenagers can be forced to go to school, they can be forced into rehab if they're taking drugs, they can be forced into seeing a psychiatrist if that's what their parents want -- why then is it so hard to understand that they can be forced into relinquishing their babies? It happens every day...Squishy, you're about at the same time period I was when I fully realized just what exactly had gone down when I was pregnant and when I gave birth to my son. I was 27 years old at that time, a much more mature woman than I had been at 16 and 17 years of age. And I could view everything with the understanding of an adult, not an adolescent. I got pretty angry with both of my parents when my son was around 9 or 10 years old.The ironic thing is that was about the same time period when both of my parents started expressing a LOT of regret over losing their firstborn grandchild. It really started getting under their skins, and I know they've both felt a lot of regret and a lot of anger at themselves. Even though my father and my son were reunited a couple years before my dad died, and even though they became as close as two peas in a pod, the fact is that my dad never stopped grieving for his grandson. He went through the same thing I did early in reunion...we both still grieved for the lost years of my son's childhood. I think both of my parents were angry with me for a long time for NOT rebelling against them or standing up for myself when I was pregnant. I think they would have preferred it if I had told them to go jump in a lake and then left home with my son. To this day, I still cannot talk with my mom about what happened -- I just get way too upset with her when she brings up *any* aspect of adoption, so I always change the subject.Squishy, your feelings are totally normal. Try channeling your anger, and see if that helps you any. My preferred method of channeling anger is gardening. I beat the stuffing out of weeds with my handy hoe, or I do some heavy digging with my shovel. I also channel anger on a daily basis through journaling and artwork. Anger is something to be acted upon, not acted out. Repressing your anger is the worst thing you can do -- that's how I buried everything inside of me for a long time. You can really mess yourself up that way. You also don't want to fall into the chronic anger trap. It's much healthier to allow yourself to feel the anger and then channel it...and then let go of it. I know too many women who get stuck in the anger phase and never really heal themselves.I hope you keep posting here. The journey can be really hard and downright bumpy and full of potholes. So we all try to listen and relate to each other, holding each other's hands as we walk across the embers of the "firewalk". :loveyou:
identicaltwins
Squishy, no, you are pretty "normal" in the bmom department, it NEVER gets easier. As a matter of fact, it actually gets harder as the years pass. Because the older you starts to argue with the younger you. And you look at your life and how it progressed, and you think, maybe I could have done it. Those feelings are forever. I will have pain in my heart until they plant me in the ground. You do learn to live with the pain, but no, it never gets better. Even a reunion brings up many different types of pain. The pain of all the years lost that can never be recaptured. And as for the thought that was mentioned regarding blaming others, no, we don't necessarily place all the blame on others, but WOW, we were young and tasked with making THE most earth shattering decision of our lives many times with only the guidance of the adoption industry. What's that saying about giving the fox the key to the henhouse? So I am sorry I can't ease your pain, but it may help to know that you are not alone in the pain you continue to have. Good luck
RavenSong
(((((Squishy)))))
When your choices are so limited, especially for teenage moms who still live at home, the end result is basically you don't have any freedom of choice...and anger is a normal reaction when you realize years later exactly how coercive your parents really were. Only you know exactly what went down in your own situation. People can post all they want on how we all "freely choose" to relinquish, but the truth of the matter is they don't know you personally, so how can they know what was going through your head while you were pregnant?
I relinquished my baby back during the Baby Scoop Era, a time when white middle-class girls were automatically expected to hand over their babies to adoption agencies. That's simply the way it was, the way we were socialized at that point in our country's history. Yes, it is my voluntary signature on those darn surrender papers, so I'm sure people could sit and lecture me about how it was my own choice...and they would be dead wrong. Heck, teenagers can be forced to go to school, they can be forced into rehab if they're taking drugs, they can be forced into seeing a psychiatrist if that's what their parents want -- why then is it so hard to understand that they can be forced into relinquishing their babies? It happens every day...
Squishy, you're about at the same time period I was when I fully realized just what exactly had gone down when I was pregnant and when I gave birth to my son. I was 27 years old at that time, a much more mature woman than I had been at 16 and 17 years of age. And I could view everything with the understanding of an adult, not an adolescent. I got pretty angry with both of my parents when my son was around 9 or 10 years old.
The ironic thing is that was about the same time period when both of my parents started expressing a LOT of regret over losing their firstborn grandchild. It really started getting under their skins, and I know they've both felt a lot of regret and a lot of anger at themselves. Even though my father and my son were reunited a couple years before my dad died, and even though they became as close as two peas in a pod, the fact is that my dad never stopped grieving for his grandson. He went through the same thing I did early in reunion...we both still grieved for the lost years of my son's childhood. I think both of my parents were angry with me for a long time for NOT rebelling against them or standing up for myself when I was pregnant. I think they would have preferred it if I had told them to go jump in a lake and then left home with my son. To this day, I still cannot talk with my mom about what happened -- I just get way too upset with her when she brings up *any* aspect of adoption, so I always change the subject.
Squishy, your feelings are totally normal. Try channeling your anger, and see if that helps you any. My preferred method of channeling anger is gardening. I beat the stuffing out of weeds with my handy hoe, or I do some heavy digging with my shovel. I also channel anger on a daily basis through journaling and artwork. Anger is something to be acted upon, not acted out. Repressing your anger is the worst thing you can do -- that's how I buried everything inside of me for a long time. You can really mess yourself up that way. You also don't want to fall into the chronic anger trap. It's much healthier to allow yourself to feel the anger and then channel it...and then let go of it. I know too many women who get stuck in the anger phase and never really heal themselves.
I hope you keep posting here. The journey can be really hard and downright bumpy and full of potholes. So we all try to listen and relate to each other, holding each other's hands as we walk across the embers of the "firewalk". :loveyou:
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identicaltwins
Squishy, no, you are pretty "normal" in the bmom department, it NEVER gets easier. As a matter of fact, it actually gets harder as the years pass. Because the older you starts to argue with the younger you. And you look at your life and how it progressed, and you think, maybe I could have done it. Those feelings are forever. I will have pain in my heart until they plant me in the ground. You do learn to live with the pain, but no, it never gets better. Even a reunion brings up many different types of pain. The pain of all the years lost that can never be recaptured. And as for the thought that was mentioned regarding blaming others, no, we don't necessarily place all the blame on others, but WOW, we were young and tasked with making THE most earth shattering decision of our lives many times with only the guidance of the adoption industry. What's that saying about giving the fox the key to the henhouse? So I am sorry I can't ease your pain, but it may help to know that you are not alone in the pain you continue to have. Good luck
ghostgirl
I don't know how to reply to a thread, but I wanted to respond to the person who said, "the older you starts arguing with the younger you." That sentence alone speaks volumes as to what the birthmother experience is like.
identicaltwins
And that ghostgirl is my biggest enemy. Myself. Because you know that the older me always wins. But yes, the older and wiser me also gets angry when I realize the lack of support I had. Not necessarily from family, but from society. We send millions if not billions of dollars overseas to help the poor, yet we have women giving away their babies simply due to financial reasons. Something isn't right. Being able to keep your babies should not come down to the haves and have nots. But I wonder who was the "have" in my situation. The adopting parents HAD money, but I HAD the babies. But I HAD NOT any money.