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Hello this is my first post so let me first apologize if I've put it in the wrong spot!
Here's our situation we're looking for advice on. We have an almost 3yo fs (our first placement) who has been with us for almost a year. We thought at times within this past year that if it came time to consider adoption that we'd pursue that option but for many reasons we've decided not to.
In many ways it has been a very rough year - we've seen lots of on going tantrums (as many as 10-12 a day, more so "rages" than tantrums), outbursts of hyperactivity where he will yell and scream for hours for no reason, bursts of violence toward our two biokids sometimes when he's angry and sometimes when he's actually happy he'll just haul off and hit them in the face, bite them, etc. He will even hit me and my husband (he hit my husband really hard several times right in the face/glasses the other night simply because he was told it was bed time). His caseworker and his caseworker supervisor have dismissed his behavior as simply "terrible twos" or just "a boy being a boy" which could be the case and maybe I just have unrealistic expectations. However -- also to be considered is that this little boy's mother is diagnosed schizophrenic and bipolar and has been on a variety of drugs since age 11 so they can't rule out that these issues are not red flags of bigger problems.
Even beyond the issues of behavior are the matters of attachment - because of his behavior toward our biokids, bonding has been little to non-existent. They are usually very sweet children but get so frustrated with him that I'm starting to see violent outbursts from them toward him as well. We get on our kids just as much as we do on him about being kind toward each other but at the end of the day they simply have not bonded with him in a way that makes us think adoption would be a good idea.
Now so it seems pretty cut and dried right? We should not adopt, I think there is a family that is a better fit for him out there beyond the shadow of a doubt.
Here is the problem though: Everyone we know ADORES him - when he's out in public he is general extremely mild mannered and sweet, has a face like an angel, people love him everywhere he goes, he says hi to people at the grocery store and they melt, etc. This is why I can't even fault the caseworkers for being so dismissive. No one sees this problem behavior except for us and honestly for the first three months of his placement we didn't see it either. How do you tell people (family and close friends especially) you do not want to adopt this child without either a. making yourselves out to be heartless monsters or b. making the child out to be a heartless monster?? I keep playing it over in my mind and either err on the side of giving what I feel is too little information or giving far too much information about him, the situation, etc. I kick myself too for having said at different points during this year to family and friends that we Would consider adopting him if it were possible, now it IS possible and we don't feel it's right. I want to give people some kind of notice so they have a fair chance to transition through this as well (especially those with kids who've gotten to know him on some level).
And now with him being moved in a little less than a week I'm frankly in a bit of a panic. Help!!!!!
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I'm so sorry you're facing this.
Its hard enough to make this decision, worse when the "arm chair" quarterbacks come out
A dear friend and his wife, the most experienced foster family know (my mentors, really) recently had a 6 year old FK. They've fostered a zillion young kids. Their spirit and ability to roll with the punches is inspiring
The boy had been in 8 placements in his 6 years of life. They had tried to get him (F2A) a year ago, but he went to a kinship placement. When that fell through, they got their second chance.
After a couple months, they were forced to move him. I know it killed them. Not only because they loved the kid and could help, but because they are so visible are FPs. Everyone loves to point and judge. It sucks
What they are telling people is th truth "we couldn't give him what he needed".
hang in there.
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Thank you for this reply - even that simple statement helps very much. To add even more to this is that the county is now telling us that he's going to be moved out of our home in a few days without ANY kind of visits, transition, etc into his new home. We'll just disappear out of his life - and we let them know we are not in a rush here and want to do what is best for him. It feels very spiteful almost like well if you don't want to adopt him then look what "you're" doing to him as they rip him out of here in the most painful way possible. I have no words!! :(
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think you owe anyone any more explination than what Wcurry66 said "we couldn't give him what he needed." If it makes you feel better, our FS is also very superficially charming. He can charm the socks off anyone outside our home. He would steal things at school from other kids and he had the teacher punishing the other kids making it their fault that HE stole from THEM. It was ridiculous. He tries to do the same thing at home, and for the 1st few months it worked...but after I found out what was happening at school I caught on and he wasn't able to do it at home anymore. So it's not just you. It is hard to deal with "covert" behaviors. It's almost easier when they're kicking holes in the wall or smearing poop...because those are things you can point to and say "see, this is what he's doing." Manipulation is harder to pin down.(((Hugs))) Praying for you.
My hear goes out to you and the child. I know that it was not an instant decision to change your mind about adopting. the wonderful thing about foster/adopt it give you and your family a chance to learn the child and form a bond. In a year there should have been some changes. However, but the child being only three I am sure he is not on no meds. When he gets older and continue to have these rages the doctor probably prescribed something to balance him out. I know it hurts to not be able to adopt him. You have to make the best decision for you and your family. Would you have been able to continue to foster him if you choose? i have a foster child that I am planning to adopt in a year of two. I still allow the other foster mom contact. She calls and they talk. He know that he will be here but i had no problem with the other foster mom staying in his life as long and he wants to. Maybe, you can too. I wish you the best and don't worry what outsiders say or think. They have no idea what foster parents deal with. I hate when they say, they just children! Yes, they are but they still have real issues such as ADD/ADHD, RAD, PTSD. It sounds like your child has some of those if not one. Most time the child has to be five before they are tested.
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As a foster parent, I have learned that you have to do what is best for your entire family. Only you can make this decision. Don't let anyone push you into something that you are not comfortable with, but be sure this is what you want. There are many families waiting to adopt a child of this age and you should not feel guilty about letting him go to where he can best thrive. The case worker for this child should be working on getting him a place that is the best fit for his needs.
I had a foster child that sounds a lot like yours. This child loved attention and would act so charming when out in public. At home we had all kinds of behavior issues and acting out. Whenever we tried to discuss this, people would act like we were making it up. The best thing you can do is document everything. That way you will have it to go back to and show specific examples of what happened in your home. That is what helped in our case. It also helped us identify triggers to the child's acting out. We discovered a pattern in our child and was really helpful in being aware of what would set her off. Sadly b/c the system failed our child went back to her abusive home and is continuing to be in and out of care.