I contacted my husband's birth mother

If you ask a dozen different bmoms, you are going to get a dozen different answers, so be prepared :).Remember that each reply is only the one opinion of that bmom and you shouldn't take it as written in stone. We are all individuals with individual needs, expectations, fears, and "issues". So are you ready for one opinion?Here goes...If I received my initial contact letter from my son's spouse, I think I would have been freaked out. Yes, I understand that it was acting as an intermediary. But it is not an impartial intermediary like a search angel, or agency. Ahhh, so know you want to know WHY I would have been freaked out, don't you? I think I would have had trouble with the fact that a reunion should be between a mother and child, not a mother and spouse. The spouse was not the one lost to adoption. Also, I think I would have had the ugly "trust monster" talking in my ear. A bmoms emotions are so raw during reunion, that it can't be explained so easily. But don't freak out yet, that is just MY opinion. You didn't "screw up". Plus, there is that little thought in the back of my head that is saying, but at least it was "contact". Some type of contact is better than nothing. I just want to warn you, that as many adoptees have pain in their hearts from abandonment issues and have fear of rejection during the reunion process, (I only speak for myself here), but I also have a lot of pain in my heart from relinquishment issues. These pains are very difficult to define along with the fear of rejection I also have. So a bmoms feelings can be as complex as an adoptees. Different yes, but complex. So without knowing some of the details, such as content of the letter and how you placed yourself within the role of intermediary it is hard to define exactly how I would feel. Also, what is the age of your husband. The time period of relinquishment is HUGE in adoption. I know this was rambling, I know it didn't answer your question, it appears like I waffled, but I was just trying to be honest. Gather some opinions from the other women on the boards, they are very wise here and will also guide you. But I also want to add, that one week is not that long in adoption reunion land. Your husband had 7 years to prepare for a potential reunion, his bmom got a letter in the mail this week. Give her time. Good luck and keep us posted.Also, just curious, your profile is for a male, but your post is written as if you are the spouse??? Who are we "talking" to?

Identicaltwins- Aaron is from NY so maybe he is a man and has a husband. NY recognizes same sex marriage now. My brother introduces his partner as his husband even though they live in TN and that state does not recognize them as spouses. Due to my personal experience with my brother, I just assumed that Aaron is gay. I could be completely off base though. To Aaron- If my birthson's spouse contacted me I would wonder if my son knew about it and was on board with the contact. I would be afraid that his spouse just wanted some info but my son didn't want a relationship with me. It would probably take me awhile to sort out all my feelings and get my head together. I would eventually reply to you and ask you to have my son contact me when he was ready. Identical is right when she says that 10 different bmoms are going to give you 10 different answers though so good luck sorting this out!

Gwen, so sorry, you are absolutely right! I am still learning. Ya know, times are changing, and i am good with that, but I forget sometimes. Thanks Gwen! And sorry Aaron if I offended. It's that "trust monster" I was telling you about. I question everything! Especially here on the internet.

Haha sorry for the confusion. I am a woman- this is my husband's account that we created together during the search process. A little more info...He is 26 years old and was adopted at a little over a week old. the letter I sent was very short, said who he was, said we respected her privacy and decisions, told her we would appreciate any contact she is willing to have with us. I thanked her and that was it! My opinion is that if a woman wants to be "found" it wont really matter what the letter says she'll want to have contact. On the same token, if she doesn't want to be found nothing we could say would make her want to have contact. Am I right? This is all so shocking and new to me. His records were very much sealed and we are still in awe of finding them. Again, thank you for your responses. GREATLY appreciated!

You made me literally, LOL. So anyway, what I see now is a team effort. It appears there were tons of "we" in the letter. I like that. Cause ya know what, your husbands bmom is gonna be meeting you both basically at the same time. So it is nice that you are so involved. 26 is the age that my son is and we just met this year, and yes, there was a wife involved. So I can speak from experience on that one. Woo Hoo, gotta love being experienced in the adoption reunion game. What an elite group. So if you ask me, 1984/85 was the very beginning of adoption coming out of the dark ages. It was a transition period. It still has a long way to go, but it was a start. So dependent upon what type of agency your bmom went through, she may have been anticipating a search/reunion. But like I said, one week is soooo not long in adoption reunion land. I only get my mail once a week when I drag my sorry butt over to the post office! So be patient. You will hear that term A LOT during this roller coaster ride you are boarding. And yeah, you were pretty spot on about if a woman wants to be found she won't really care what is in the letter (for the most part), and really, she may find it easier to talk to you too being female. Also, you have to take into consideration how old she is, is she married, with children, does her family know about the relinquishment and so forth. So be patient. Good Luck! And if you need anymore advice or just an ear, this is an awesome place to find those that care.

Thank you so much. That is exactly what I NEEDED to hear. It was definitely a team effort although I did the "PI work". I will stay patient! thanks again!

Aaron, Just a few things here from an old adoptee... 1. I get my mail delivered to my door and look at it once a month when it is time to pay bills. I just grab it from the mail box and put it in the basket. One week is nothing. 2. Be aware that despite you being involved in the search you can not fully understand the emotions that will ebb and flow in this situation for your husband. He may tell you he is okay and not share because it is so deeply his story of his very beginning and is comprised of feelings so deep he may not even be able to put words to them. Reunions can also take your emotions by storm, very much like a first crush in high school (they aren't but that is how fragile and emotion laden roller coaster they can become). Just be aware is all I am trying to say and don't push to talk. Let him bring it up. 3. I could be wrong about the above but many have had that reaction during the reunion phase. Kind regards,Dickons

Hope this goes well. I just sent a similar communication on behalf of my wife's family and had less than stellar results, but I also made a mistake you didn't make--I used a social networking site the bmom had been using SOLELY to keep in touch with friends from high school and organize reuinion activities. I think that I unintentionally violated a safe place for her and she's still reeling a month later.That said, I think the letter method is better. And you hit all the points I would think you'd need to: guaranteeing respect of her boundaries, expressing a desire to share information and empowering her to establish some terms for communication. I think that's the way to go.

Thanks for the feedback. I'm sorry things didn't go well with your contact. Maybe some people just don't want to be found. It's a very strange concept for me to even understand, but I'm trying to empathsize. Still no word back on our end. I think we're both in the same state of mind that if she doesn't want to know us it truly is a loss to her. Good luck with your situation, feel free to vent to me on these boards!