Advertisements
Good morning. I haven't posted much since we adopted last year but I'd like an objective take on what we are dealing with, right now.
I got a call from my SIL yesterday. She told me that bio mom is angry over the frequency of visits and is threatening to take legal action in order to increase their frequency. We are related to everyone in this scenario, so it's a delicate situation.
BMom voluntarily terminated her parental rights, but claims that she had no choice because of her pending criminal charges (4 state felonies that have yet to go to trial) and her desire to maintain contact. Really, she blames us and also says that we forced her to do this...not true since that isn't legal and it was made clear that we weren't guaranteed to be the adoptive parents through CPS but she needs someone to blame. No post-adoption agreement was used. DH and I make all of the decisions regarding contact and behavior during visits. She doesn't have a case, but threatening to involve the legal system has really got my panties in a wad. Threatening my family is a line no one should cross and I'm not going to ignore it. My instinct is to cut off all contact except for pics and updates (we have no formal schedule) for an indefinite period of time because of this threat. We already restrict visits to public places because of past difficulties, however we've made exceptions for birthdays. Our youngest has one coming up that we planned to have her attend before I heard about all of this. Another factor is that this information is through a third party. I did not witness this text conversation so I'm not sure how much is speculation on SIL's part vs actual threat. I'm of a mind that a perceived threat is sufficiant, but I'm very close to this. I really hesitate to involve SIL in this any more than she is, so I waffle about asking to see the texts in question... if they haven't already been deleted. On the other hand, she volunteered this information. Also, BMom knows that SIL will pass on info. I think BMom made the statements on purpose, knowing full well it would be shared, to see what we would do. It's all about manipulation, which is the grounds for reduced visits in the first place.
I will discuss this all with Bmom once I've weighed it some more, but in the mean time I'd like to hear more objective opinions. Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond!
Like
Share
Don't get sucked into the drama!!!!!
If the adoption is final, and there is no Open Adoption Agreement in place, bmom has no standing to take legal action.
Lots of people make threats to sue or "take you to court" without any realy understanding of the process. Don't let it get your panties in a wad. (don't waste your panties). If she does, it should be no big deal to file a motion to dismiss at your first appearance. That would be the end of it.
And I wouldn't ask SIL for the texts. Bmom is trying to drag you into a big family drama through SIL. Don't take the bait. Say nothing more to SIL about it. If she raises it again, just say "If bmom wants to discuss this with me directly, that's fine, but we think it is best not to go through other people. Thanks for trying to help."
These are tough issues, particularly when they involve family. Good luck on your journey.
Advertisements
Thank you. You are right, of course, it is about creating drama within the family for attention. When speaking to SIL, I was low-key about the whole thing. I also mentioned that I regretted she had been dragged into it, so I'll stick with my original reaction.
I'm still wrestling with allowing her into our home for the birthday. As I said, any whiff of a threat can't be ignored because I feel that boundry shouldn't be crosssed...it will escalate if we impose more restrictions, too. Sheesh.
Luckily we have a few weeks for things to unfold and decisions to be made. I'm leaning toward having the birthday be just us and scheduling a visit in a public place with her on another day. He's young, so a party is more for our family to have a reason to get together as we are some distance from each other. He would be fine since he's too little to really understand the hoopla. He just wants a cake and presents! :)
alex9179
BMom voluntarily terminated her parental rights...... No post-adoption agreement was used. DH and I make all of the decisions regarding contact and behavior during visits. Threatening my family is a line no one should cross and I'm not going to ignore it. My instinct is to cut off all contact except for pics and updates (we have no formal schedule) for an indefinite period of time because of this threat. We already restrict visits to public places because of past difficulties, however we've made exceptions for birthdays.
The bio mom for our kids and her sister have spent years back and forth reporting each other to DSS. I wouldn't let her in my home because she could use it as an excuse to report your family for some non-existent problem. If she's threatening court, she's capable of the much easier step of malicious reporting.
Thank you all for weighing in on this issue. You've verified that our concerns are not groundless, so we'll take steps to protect our family while still offering the children the peace of mind that their first mom is doing ok. This will probably erupt into yet another debacle with our relatives, but I've grown a thicker skin these last few years ;)
Advertisements
Well you've got a few things to consider here.
1st - Her kid/s were taken for a reason.
2nd - She has a criminal past involving the children.
3rd - She gave up her rights (probably would have been TPR'd anyway)
4th - She's obviously still not at a mature reasonable state in her life.
You are his parents, you have provided what she couldnt and I wouldnt allow any contact with her until she proved to be a stable force (even in the limited role she now plays). Honestly; birthday parties and family gatherings are stressful anyway. You dont need that added instability in your home. I'd tell SIL that bmom has your number and that you appreciate her passing along the message but in the future to avoid her having to deal with "this mess" please just tell bmom that you'd prefer not to be involved and refer her to us.
Good luck, I'm doing a kinship to adopt now and I know these issues will be present in our future.