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DW and I are in the visitation phase of a placement with a BR 14 yo girl. She identifies herself as AA and looks at my wife and I, both CC and obviously has concerns about us meeting her cultural needs.We have started reaching out to our AA friends and colleagues try to built a support structure. We have educated ourselves about hair and skin care but we both we need to do more. How do we go about expressing to her that we know she looks different than we do but she is still going to be our daughter? How else can we alleviate this concern of hers? (I know we will never make it go away completely, but...) Thank you for any responses. Being 14 she has a say whether this placement goes forward. Hence the "scared" title. I may have only met her for a total of 11 hours at this point, but I am fully emotionally involved.
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I think the longer you stay silent the more akward it will be. I would just ask her point blank how she feels about the differences in your races & hopefully that will start a dialog that can put you both at ease. Shes old enough to understand & maybe it will make her more comfortable to talk about it.
At 14 children already have a sense of race.
It might be a lot more than just you accepting her. She might already have views on 'white people' or she may have a difficult time accepting the race difference herself. I am not saying this is the case, but until you really get to know her it might be difficult to know exactly what she is thinking.
If she is quiet she may have more difficulty expressing herself. I would just be yourself and let her know you are intersted in becoming her family. I would let her know you are interested in getting to know her.
This is a difficult age for children. There is so much that can be going through her head right now. She might be thinking you might not understand her, this is beyond race.
Good Luck!
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Another issue to be aware of is that she may be very concerned about PEER acceptance if she has white parents. Reality is, she might (probably will) be given a hard time from her black peers for having white parents, and fear losing her acceptance into her black peer group (especially since that is how she self identifies). AT this age NOTHING is more important than peer acceptance and self identity, and kids in that stage of life tend to be quite non-compromising in their thinking, and also 'tend' to self segregate. Also, her reality will be that EVERYONE will know she was adopted if she has white parents -- it is really tough to be that identifiable at that age. Anything that makes you different is seen as a bad thing - anything that marks you for ridicule is a bad thing. It's a heavy burden that she is facing, and knowing that you understand that and are willing to help give her the supports to face it would be a helpful thing.My sons dealt with both those issues (they are black, we are white) at that age, and it was TOUGH on them, and they had been with us since they were little. Being a transracially adopted teenager is no walk in the park.
Thank you for your responses. They have given me some insights.
If she decides to move forward (oh, how I hope she does, but she is scared...) she will be going to the school that I teach at. She has practiced with the VB team once and the girls that I taught, thought she was the coolest thing, made her feel really welcome. This group included both white and black students. OTOH, out in public? I'm not sure. During the visitations she doesn't seem to care, but I can't read minds. :( BUT, the visitations have been on her turf.
While she was touring the school, I made the mistake of introducing her as our adopted daughter or just daughter. I don't remember which. This made her push away more because with that one little statement I took a bunch of control away from her. She hasn't told us this. We were told by her support group. (therapist, SW, etc.) I feel terrible, but I don't want to apologize. I'll just introduce her by name from now on until she (hopefully) becomes comfortable with the idea.
Wow. So much to think about...
My son, now seventeen, moved in at fifteen and I found it helpful to ask, ask, ask how he wanted to be introduced. Every time. Because his feelings changed (a lot), how he wanted to be introduced changed frequently.It is the nice thing about older kids - you can ask! They are so much their own people, with their own tastes and opinions - it can be hard to know what they want in each situation and giving them the option seems to help give them some amount of control. And as most of us remember from our teen years, control is crucial.Best of luck on your journey. Adopting my son has made me much more flexible, adaptive and thoughtful. It has been very difficult and wonderful.Hang in there!
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I hope the overnight visit will be an opportunity for all of you to become more comfortable together and have more open discussion. I think the most important thing is for her to know that you take her concerns seriously and are willing to work with her to overcome any challenges that arise. Best wishes!