Seeing adoptee as who they are today

My daughter was adopted at birth, so I don't think it's been that much of an issue for me. I haven't seen her since she was one day old, she didn't do much but sleep so there wasn't a whole lot of personality to be had lol ;) A bigger issue for me is that we started reunion when DD was the same age as I was when I had her. What I've had to process is although she is a LOT like me she isn't me, KWIM? I keep thinking "Well, since I would react this way, she's just like me, she'll react the same." I forget that she's not my clone, she's got 3 other people who help comprise a huge part of who she is, plus all the outside influences, her own opinions etc etc. I think that for those who placed when their children were slightly older, that could be a huge issue. I'm interested to see more responses to this!

My DD was adopted at birth as well so I can't very well be stuck in viewing/treating her like a newborn. Along the line of what browneyes shared. DD and I resemble each other, really it is striking, I have to remind myself that she is not exactly like me. I can recognize the traits she shares with her parents. Traits I love. However, at times when DD and I talk about certain topics like boys, my ears just wanna bleed. I feel my jaw drop in shock thinking ohhhhh, my little girl. At the same time I get these reactions with DS (whom I've raised) just not so drastically. They're growing up and I'm resisting :loveyou: I know it is because I am DS's parent. I'm there for the everyday stuff so I'm a part of the progression. When DD shares with me it seems to come out of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm not there for the everyday stuff. Until last week I've only have one f2f with DD 3 years ago, now I can say that I've had 2 :dance: Before that first f2f we talked on the phone often so I "knew" (somewhat) she was maturing. Ummmm, I see that I am not answering your question at all.... but I guess that ramble was to say that in my experience I am working through this by being a part of DD's life and having her a part of mine, no room for fantasies. Interested in more replies :hippie:

I relinquished my son back in the BSE, an era that was closed and sealed as tight as a drum. But my son's parents asked the adoption agency to locate me when he was just shy of his 14th birthday...and from that point onward, I guess you could say we had a "semi-open" or "semi-closed" relationship. His mom, bless her heart, knew somehow that I probably still pictured DS as an infant or toddler. So she started sending packets of photographs, showing him from certain ages and then progressing him age-wise in subsequent packets. For example, my first packet of photos (the first time I ever laid eyes on my son!) showed him from birth through the age of three. The next packet, which was sent about six months later, showed him from age 4 though age 7 -- it continued this way until I had caught up to his current age. The way his mom slowly progressed our son's growth was wonderful. I would spend a few months seeing him inside my head at the age of the latest packet of photos. When the next packet came, he'd grow up a little more inside my head. By the time we met, shortly after he turned 18, I no longer pictured him as a small child. Rather, I thought of him as an adolescent and young adult. I think the way his mom handled the whole thing was amazingly wonderful. I remember Betty Jean Lifton wrote about this phenomenon in Lost and Found. She told this great story of a grown adoptee around the age of 30 who showed up at her birth/first mother's doorstep. When she answered the door, she was shocked...and then angry. She blurted out to her daughter, "What did you do to my baby? Where did she go?" Of course, the mother immediately realized the absurdity of what she had just exclaimed to her daughter, but her initial reaction is not an uncommon one in the world of reunion. With that said, however, I have to admit that I DID go through a period in which I needed to see the "child" within my son. When he was so horribly strung out on crystal meth in his early 20's, I reached a point where his obnoxious behavior was really getting to me...and I didn't feel much of anything for him at that point, other than numbness. Somehow I knew instinctively that I needed to see the small child within the grown man so I wouldn't shut off all my feelings toward him. I started this meditation every day in which I would close my curtains, sit down in my rocking chair, close my eyes, rock back and forth, all while picturing my son as a baby and toddler sitting in my lap. I made it as real as possible, even down to smelling his baby smell and feeling his soft little hands touching my face. I then started "progressing" him in age from infancy and toddlerhood to grade-school age...and the love I felt for him was deep and immense. This meditation got me through the worst of his drugging years. It's difficult for me at times to realize that he's 39 years old...but I think that's not so unusual for any mother of a middle-aged son or daughter. I know my own mom still thinks of me as her baby, even though I will turn 57 years old next month. :paci:

I never got stuck just thinking of my son in terms of the little baby I relinquished. I think this had to do with having a semi-open adoption. For me, getting the pictures and updates, and seeing him growing and changing over the years, allowed me to incorporate those changes into my perception of him. In terms of personality, yes, I did have some fantasies and unrealistic expectations. He seemed so perfect in the letters and on paper! And he told me he had a very idealized image of me, too, before we talked and met. I told him he could hold on to that image as long as he wanted (LOL!). There have been some aspects to his personality that I've honestly found annoying, that have caused me concern, or were just not what I expected. I've had to adjust to this and realize that he is who he is and he's not perfect and neither am I. But I still love him regardless. I'm sure he finds things about me that are annoying, or that he doesn't "get." There are also other sides of him that I have been pleasantly surprised by, that I did not expect to see. When he told me "I love you mom" after our first phone call, for instance. I was not expecting this AT ALL. I don't know how I got past the idealized version of my son, or even if I have completely, as our relationship is still very new and a work in progress. I just try to accept him for who he is, not what I think or thought he should be.

Again, I placed in the Closed Era, and didn't meet my bson again until he was 33. I don't think I had any preconceived ideas of what he would be like (I didn't expect him to be a child or even a young adult.) One of the interesting things for me is getting to know him as an adult "child" who I didn't know when he was a child. Of course it may have helped me to have two other children who had already passed through adolescence into young adulthood. (This year they are 33, 35 and almost 39.) I find it's been harder to watch his one son grow because it brings home what I missed with D. I will say they idea of D's amom "helping" me work through my perceptions of D sends a shiver down my spine. (That could be because she is a social worker and I don't respond well to social workers' "help.")

thanks, ladies. i very much appreciate the input