Abandonment Issues

Oh goodness yes...it is so very normal to feel abandoned and to have the fear of letting someone in your soul. Being adopted from birth gives the adoptee a sense of abandonment right from the start...psychologically it affects the adoptee and stays with them. There is such a connection with the feeling of abandonment and being adopted. You will always feel the sense of being abandoned, it is how you learn to cope with it that will help you allow others to love you and know who you are. I have struggled with this for 36 years and I am now finally getting professional help so I can find peace within myself. Please find yourself someone to talk to....so you do not feel so alone.....it takes time, but you can do it.

Relationships are tough. I floundered for years not feeling like I was good enough. I got into a marriage when I was eighteen basically to escape from the situation my adopted mother dragged me into. I didn't really bond with that person and it dissolved after 6 years. I think I was more attracted to his extended family and wishing to be part of some sort of cohesive group. I wasn't in a place where I should have made a commitment. Then I went out west to remove myself rather than deal with all of the untangling. I met really nice guys but didn't believe I deserved them. I woke up one day and came back to start all over again. I chose to go to university after moving back with my adopted family for whatever reason. I was lost. I found my partner after I moved out while I was in university and knew right away even though he didn't want a long term relationship and was younger; that it was going to be long term. We have one daughter and have never been married. No desire to. Did that; got the t shirt. I went through hell....he left for a period of time because of my abandonment issues and immaturity. I don't know if I ever really had or will have the peace of mind that I won't be left. But I faced it and got whole with lots of therapy. We got back together based on wanting to be together not my being desperate not to be alone. Now I am faced with the fact that I am the sole bread winner and I feel resentful and sometimes want to run away. The pressure is tough. I know now how he felt when he was the only one working and I was off work staying at home. I am constantly waiting for the shoe to drop and it's stressful. I can tell myself all the rational things but in the wee hours of the night I get scared. I'm fifty five and it never goes away.I have this friend who is abandoning her son to me. To her it's tough love. He isn't working and she can't seem to get it that she is his mother and should be there to help. She rants and raves and says things like "He didn't get that from me". I can't stand it. I keep telling her that she is the mother and he is just a young adult like so many others. She thinks it's okay to have a boyfriend live with her but she wants to throw her son out because he isn't working. She did it once on his birthday than let him move in to help pay rent so she wouldn't lose her house. I helped her see that a house is merely broadloom and drywall. She let him move back in and things are better but she is so wrapped up in how "He's taking advantage of me" that she is going to tell him he has to move out. I don't understand it. I would rather cut off a limb than tell a child they have to move out. I wonder if I am right or wrong. I would never do that. To me you stand by the people you love. You don't kick them out. I wonder if being abandoned makes me vulnerable or does anyone else see it the way I do. My daughter isn't working but she is looking and so is my partner. To me we stick together and make the best of the situation. Am I a fool or does this make sense. I wonder if being adopted and abandoned make me different or just makes things clear. To me relationships and family mean more than anything else. I believe you stick together no matter what. I share my feelings and tell them I need them to find jobs etc. and they understand and appreciate what I do. What more can you ask. My daughter and partner clean, cook and even make my bed for me. That's what it's all about if you ask me.

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I am tired of suffering from these abandonment issues. One failed relationship after another. Without insurance it makes it very difficult to find someone to talk to. I have tried. I want desperately to have healthy relationships without all the worries and tantrums. I really thought I had control over them until just recently.

I have always felt different. I was born in Korea and was adopted with my twin brother when I was 6 months old. I grew up in in a small town in Maine where I was the only Asian besides my brother and the only colored person of any sorts in my town for sometime. My parents are Irish and Italian and they gave me a great childhood on paper. I was showered with love by my relatives, given loads of clothes and toys, and had my education paid for. My parents did and would do anything for me but every since I was young I felt like I was being compared, whether it be to my twin brother or against everyone else. I always felt isolated even with so many family members because when I looked into the mirror I felt confused and ashamed because I didn't look like my mom and dad. I wanted their hair and nose and I wanted to be a part of them. As a 2nd grader we had to make a doll of our families heritage. I didn't know what to pick. I always tried to identify myself as Irish or Italian after my mom, but my teacher suggested my doll be Korean. As much as I was glad I lived a privileged life compared to South Korea, I wondered why my mother gave me up and if she ever loved me? I would tell myself things like, she must have, she wanted you to have a better life. Growing up I started to resent my adoptive mother. I became angry easily and would slash out at my adoptive mother. My anger has always been misdirected at women in my life. I remember getting into fights with my adoptive mom to the point where I was bright red and sobbing in tears. Usually I said something that I didn't mean and I would regret and my mom would hold me as we both cried together. It always pained her to see me hurt, but I believe she never truly understood why I felt this way. She hated her immediate family and wanted nothing to do with them, while I just wanted to know why. My parents have offered to send me to Korea to find my mother and I always have said no. I always have feared being rejected and being told by my biological mother that she never loved me. In college I would try to numb my feelings through alcohol and drugs. Instead of embracing a new life in college I drowned myself in my pain. Finally in my Sophomore year I was almost expelled and I decided that I needed to change my surroundings and moved to NYC. I have had two major relationships in my life and both have been plagued with abandonment and insecurity issues. Also, I tend to become jealous and get enraged when my girlfriends talk to other guys. I feel that whatever I do isn't good enough. I don't think I am a bad partner. I am loving and kind, but at times there are moments where I will even scare myself. I become possessive and angry to the point where it's unhealthy. I never have psychically cheated on my partner but I have talked with other girls while dating. Something I am not proud but something I have done while I felt lonely or scared. I don't think I will ever be cured of my insecurities but it has gotten better. I have said a lot of things I didn't mean because of pain and insecurities. I am lucky that I now have a loving and caring girlfriend who tries to understand and that is patient. Something that helped me is the movie Finding Seoul. The older the get the less I care about my birth mother but still the residual effects of being adopted still remain. I still sometimes hate who I am looking at in the mirror and sometimes I still feel lonely even when I am showered with love. I know a bunch of kids who were adopted and they don't seem to be effected by adoption as much as I am, but non the less I believe every adopted child in some point of their life has wondered why? or felt some kind insecurity about being adopted.

I felt like I was reading my own story. The main differences are that I was 4 years old when I as adopted and came to the US with my sister who is four years older. I left my fiancee because of the opposite fear of abandonment - engulfment. She showered me with love - said she loved me first, wanted to move in with me, proposed marriage to me. I became very scared and didn't think that I was worthy of such love and attention. The relationship I forged after her was the exact opposite - she wanted to move very slowly, I told her that I loved her first and that I was in love with her and initiated talks about marriage only after a couple months of dating. For ten weeks she hung out with her ex-boyfriend alone every Saturday which drove me to insanity because of how insecure I was about what I had with her already. I found that I was becoming very angry at her during our discussions and eventually broke up her. I sought anger management counseling but quickly realized that I was treating the symptoms and that there was an underlying cause to the emotional instability. After much searching, I have come to find how profound the primal wound of abandonment contributes to the behavioral framework of an adult adoptee. I am looking to Susan Anderson and all of her works as a source of guidance and the much needed help to discover why I am the way I am and what I can do to finally overcome or deal with my deep seeded feelings of abandonment and lonliness. For those that are interested, I will keep you posted on my progress and of any useful insights.

I have been where you are feeling and have struggled with feeling so insecure and abandoned in relationships. In the last year I had to hit rock bottom emotionally and face my deamons. However, I will still have moments of feeling abandoned but now I have the tools to learn how to cope with that feeling. I have researched this topic,gone to self help meetings, and spoken to others to finally gain some sanity. I can help you understand what you are going through if you would like.....it is not easy but is possible. I have always know I was adopted, and 37 years later I am finally gaining a new outlook on it....there is light at the end of the tunnel....just hard work to get there......:)