When b-family asks about your a-life, do you tell the truth about abuse?

Honesty is the best policy but I don't think you need to baldy state it up front at the start of the relationship. You could say there was abuse and leave it at that while you get to know your siblings. When (or if) the time is right and you want to share and feel comfortable sharing than it will happen. I'm not trying to tell you not to tell - just don't feel pressured to tell until you are ready to tell. Does that make sense? I am sorry you had to go through that - it should never have happened and also sorry no one stood up for you - so very wrong. Kind regards,Dickons

While I believe in honesty, you also need to protect yourself. How long have you known your birth sibs, do you trust them? If you've not known them long, I'd be wary to give, to much detail. You could say it was abusive, without details. I told my bfamily, (they are related to my adoptive mother) bmother believed me, but she wasnt the first I told. I chose to tell an aunt first, first time I'd ever spoke of the abuse. Her response was 'you must of been mistaken'. I let her know just how awful it was and she repeated her response. Then I got it. bmother can't deal with it and just does a pity party. It's an awful situation for you and I hope if and when you do tell them, you get the response you deserve, compassion and love.

My Bmom's family never really asked about my Afam, mostly assumed that babies adopted were all adopted by perfect parents, so to speak. The thought that my childhood was not a fairytale, hadn't really crossed their minds. I never told them anything. I didn't want them to know It was years later my Baunt pieced things together. Being abused herself, she just ,well, knew. FTW, I'm talking physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, not sexual for us. My Bmom, most lykely still doesn't know. I reunited with Bdad much later, after Adad had passed. I never talked about Adad, and Bdad's wife, blurted out, at my first face to face with Bdad, "Was your Dad abusive?". Bdad's wife was quite the piece of work. I answered honestly, in a very controlled voice giving the threat of lady don't go there, "At times." She apparently got the message. My Bdad, doesn't ever go there. Honesty is best, but I think it is perfectly fine to , if asked, tell them, you just are not comfortable talking about it right now. I don't go around telling everyone I meet about my childhood, and Bfam is no different. The more I got to know them, with time, the more comfortable I felt telling them things. The thing is, when you were abused as a child, "talking" about it to anyone is hard. kwim? There is no need to withhold anything, but you don't have to tell them either. It took a long time for me to comfortably talk about my childhood. Truthfully, I didn't want people to know. I didn't want them to judge my parents, or look at me with that "look". Do what is right for you.

Thanks for the advice! That is exactly how I feel. I don't like to talk about my childhood and most people in my life would be so shocked if they knew the truth! The first visit I had with my middle b-sister she asked 5 minutes into the conversation if I had a good life. I said yes. I don't ever want to tell them, I've never even told my own children. So I will do my best to keep a poker face and not go there.

Thanks for sharing your experience!! I have thought of that too, that I don't really know them well enough to share that kind of personal information. I just don't want to lead them to believe I was a princess in a palace with the perfect life, cuz you know how most people think, adopted kids are so "lucky"!! I will be cautious, yet as honest as I dare to be going forward. I just still hope it doesn't come up!

That is such a hard thing to discuss in general, I cannot imagine how hard it must be to have it brought up by your bsibs in reunion. On one hand, I can see not wanting to say anything, but on the other, if you give the impression that everything was great, that is what they will believe, and it is so far from your reality. I know I struggle with how much I should share with my son about how difficult my childhood and upbringing was. I don't want to burden him with this information, and while there was not sexual abuse, there was all sorts of craziness growing up with an alcoholic father and bipolar/borderline mother. My dad died when I was 14, too, so that was rough. I have told my son IN GENERAL, I did not have an easy life without going into all the gory details. I don't want him to have this impression, either, that my life was peachy keen when it was far from it. I did tell him we would have struggled tremendously if I would have kept him, that I had no family or other support, and I did not want him growing up the way I did. I agree with the others, that if you are asked if you had a good life, you can say no without going into all the details. I would want to know them better before divulging so much as you are already in a vulnerable position in getting to know your siblings. I am sorry you went through all that. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you. Your aparents were not fit to care for a goldfish much less a child.

Thanks for responding to my plea. I am so new at all of this, and so thankful to have found this website!! It has been sooo helpful just reading all of the threads and seeing your responses. I like having somewhere to turn with the thoughts that are going through my head!!!

My son was physically and emotionally abused as a child, and I am so glad that he eventually told me about what he suffered in his afamily. We reunited when he was 18, but I don't think he told me the full extent of his experience for about a year or two after reunion. Having grown up as an abused child myself, I saw many of the same defense mechanisms at play in my son...but I waited for him to tell me instead of asking. The night I found out, I ended up down at the beach just screaming my lungs out for at least 30 minutes...probably closer to an hour. I screamed into the wind at God that night -- I was totally devastated. I ended up just sobbing uncontrollably at the water's edge. It's a good thing nobody else was there that night, or I would have been carted away in a straight-jacket. I am so glad he shared his past with me, though. Suddenly a lot of stuff started making sense for the first time. As he got older, though, he started doing the classic adult survivor of child abuse stuff...like blaming himself for his parents' actions. I can't seem to get him to realize that abuse is NEVER the child's fault, rather all blame lies on the heads of the adults. He loves his parents very much, so I think it's somehow safer for him to put all the blame on himself, rather than on them. I understand his rationale, since I've used the same defense mechanism in dealing with my own mom. It just tears me up inside, though, to see him blame himself.

Raven, so many of the posters here have shared their thoughts in regards to personal sexual abuse. It is good to see how many of them have handled it.My 2nd a-mom attempted to destroy me so those SA experiences were just a part of the total family "crazies" of the time.As I grew older I tried to separate the adoption from the abuse. But it became blurred and the parts ran together. At the time i didn't see through the charade. I was grateful to have had a mother who gave me values that I could use in spite of the fact that they were offset by undermining and attempts to destroy.Recently 2 cousins shared pics and pieces of family history. Altho I had not seen them in almost 50 years I too wrestled with how much info they should have.In the end as the lapses in family history unfolded it gradually came out.I did not share the details or the circumstances leading up to the SA. After all, it happened a long time ago and at this point it was just a part of the experiences in living.When I finished, although they shared very little of their thoughts there were indications that they were stunned.When I thought about it later, it was a part of family history that perhaps could have remained closeted.There was no attempt to share those experiences for purposes of shock value. Rather they were a part of a family history with which I have lived for so long that I felt someone should know.Im glad your son has shared pieces of his history. That will help to promote healing and perhaps close a few gaps in his head.For him, a therapist may also help him sort out and resolve some of the wrestling of those head problems.I wish you the best.