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After 10 years of Foster care my birth mother was finally able to regain custody of me, yet I don't feel like her child. When I was 16 I was actually kicked out of my Foster home. My Foster mother and father were very verbally abusive, I went through other types of abuse there also. We were told if we went to our social worker about it that we would never be able to see our real parents again... ( we had supervised and sometimes not supervised visits). When the abuse came too much to handle and therapy wasn't working I acted out. I was always an A student played music got accepted into academic programs but after a few years I started cutting was diagsnosed as bi polar/ manic depressive and started alienating myself. They decided they couldn't handle it after basically finishing the neglect and abuse my parents started. Once I moved in with my mom I started skipping school and became even worse. 3 years later she and my birth father decided to be together again and I just cannot stand it. They really constantly arguing with me. Picking fights and making me feel worthless... my father is still using and it hurts a lot because I really love them. I just can't understand why they are still doing this. After losing a child for so long shouldn't there be talks about what happened? I want so bad to just remove myself to run away again. I've left my moms home 4 times since I was 16 but I can't seem to get a permanent place. I'm 21 now. Its been 16 years since I was taken away and they still can't love me.
I finally found out that I am not like them. I've become a better person. I am managing my mental illness very well and I have a great new job (moving out in two months). My question is... would it be harsh of me to just never talk to them again? I believe they make me a terrible person. They make me cry, want to drink alcohol, scream cuss and argue even knowing I'm not that person. I want way better.. I'm just afraid of being alone. No parents. I've basically raised myself. I met a great person who I love very very much and I don't even want him to meet them because I know deep inside I don't want my parents around at all. Does anyone have advice on this? Should I leave them behind the way they left me?
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doppelganger
I've become a better person. I am managing my mental illness very well and I have a great new job (moving out in two months). My question is... would it be harsh of me to just never talk to them again? I believe they make me a terrible person. They make me cry, want to drink alcohol, scream cuss and argue even knowing I'm not that person. I want way better.. I'm just afraid of being alone. No parents. I've basically raised myself. I met a great person who I love very very much and I don't even want him to meet them because I know deep inside I don't want my parents around at all. Does anyone have advice on this? Should I leave them behind the way they left me?
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When I was 23, I severed ties with my BM for similar reasons. I did not speak with her for 20+ years. I lost some B-family as a result, but I accepted the losses; it was the lost of my decision.
I won't say it was easy, but I don't regret the decision to this day. If you can separate peacefully and not get consumed with anger, you'll be fine.
I'm wishing you much peace
Sometimes you have to "detach with love" when toxic people are in your life. That they are your biological parents doesn't mean you are obligated to be in their lives if they are only dragging you down. Until they are ready/able to deal with their issues, they won't/can't be the parents you need or want. It is a sad situation, but there is really nothing you can do to change them.
If you are improving yourself (and it sounds like you are doing a great job of that!) and they are sabotaging your successes, you need to remove yourself from that. Whether it's cutting them off entirely, or taking a break or keeping some distance is up to you.
Over the years I've had to keep my mother at arms length and I have gone "no contact" several times, once for a year and more recently for a year and a half. I never severed ties completely, but understand that for some, this may be necessary. I think in a lot of cases, things can be managed by enforcing very strict boundaries, but they will always have to be maintained (by you) and it can get tiring. In other cases, no matter how many boundaries are in place, your family can still be way too toxic and harmful to have any contact at all with.
The feeling of being alone is scary, but in a sense, you are already alone with your folks. They are not positive or supportive of you in any way. Don't let your fear of being alone tie you into people who are not good for you. You will have to build your support system and family from others who have your best interests at heart. I struggle with this a lot, too, because for me, there is always that emptiness, but the cost would be too great to have my mother controlling me and she still would not be the mother I need or want her to be.
Keep focusing on your goals and bettering yourself, and surround yourself with people who will uplift you and not drag you down.
Thank you so much for the replies. Its extremely hard to cut them off knowing no other parent figures. It hurts a lot because I am very forgiving. And I can accept the mistakes we have all made
I just want to know more and I believe they are ashamed of them. But that's what I need. To know they are sorry. To get an apology and a little bit of love. I believe I have the support from a friend and the love from my boyfriend. I'm just anxious to get out of the situation. Please wish me luck!
My advice would be to move away from them, but that is just me. My adoptive family was extremely dysfunctional and growing up I know it made me into a person that I was not. Emotionally they made me a wreck. I had to plant roots and surround myself with healthy people, and counseling for 2 years also helped a lot. I moved 300 miles away to go to college and it was the best thing I ever did.
You know that they will continue to screw up their lives, but you don't have to be part of that anymore. You are not a bad person if you cut ties or set boundaries that don't make you compromise so much of yourself. My mom forced me to be this other person to fit in her world, I won't ever do that again.
I had limited contact until I felt stable enough to handle my family. Then sadly lots of drama and my mom being a total bleep. But to stay healthy and not loose my sanity I had to completely cut ties. I hit bottom when she was harrassing me, lying to me, putting me down, threatening to sue me for visitation of my kids while I was pregnant, not to mention she had lied to me about even being adopted and then acted like she was the victim and mad at me because I found out the truth, but my point being I was upset all the time and it was destroying me. it has now been almost 4 years since I had contact with my mom. My mom "did the best she could", she will never achknowledge anything bad from my childhood and she will never apologize because in her mind she didn't do anything wrong.
It is hard to accept, but I do find a lot of peace in recognizing that I was lonely even with my mom in my life, she will never be a real mom, that caring loving nurturing relationship I longed for is never going to happen, I am a motherless person. I miss the mom I never had. All I can do is try to do better in my own life by being a good person and a loving mother to my own children.
Good luck and sorry you are feeling this way, it is okay to put you first, don't ever feel bad for wanting to be healthy by seperating yourself from unhealthy people.
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It really feels good to know that there are people who understand this situation. Thank you for all of the advice. I am trying to move out ASAP! And for now keepng a safe distance between my parents and I. I am even going back to therapy. I thought this was tough as a teenager but its really hard as n adult also. :/