Need Birth Mom Advice, Please.

I think it's great you are trying to figure out the best way to approach this experience. There are a few things you said which you may want to think about. First, I'm assuming your niece is still pregnant and hasn't placed with you yet, I encourage you not to refer to her as a birth mother yet. She may have made a plan to place, she may have chosen you as the couple she wants to place with, but right now she is still an expectant mother, just like any other pregnant woman. She hasn't surrendered any rights to this child, and there is nothing that should make her feel like she can't change her mind. I think as far as advice, the only thing I can say is let her take the lead. Don't presume her plan to place is a final decision. Things changed greatly for me after my child was born, I felt completely different, I felt the connection to my son and I realized the implications of severing it, not only to myself but to my child. That didn't mean in the end I didn't still feel I couldn't give him what he needed, so placing was the only option, but being able to make that decision without pressure after I gave birth is one of the reasons I don't have regrets about placement. I've seen too many women who felt pressure and then felt regret, and that is not something I would wish on anyone. Personally it seems to me that an adoption amongst family an expectant Mom would feel even more pressure to follow through with the plan to not disappoint people she already cares about. I would say your quote "We are grateful beyond my words our niece is willing to do this for us" just reinforces that. I feel like an expectant Mom deciding to place shouldn't be about doing anything for the prospective adoptive parents, no matter their relation to the emom, but rather providing something for their child that they cannot. And regarding your last comment about openness. After 15 months of having an open relationship with my son's parents I still have worries and doubts they will close the relationship. I know they are in this relationship for the good of our son which gives me a little confidence, but the only thing that makes me believe they will keep our relationship open is that they keep our relationship open. One side has more power in the relationship so the only way I can see to assure her you mean it is by actually following through. I think it's great you're asking questions and trying to make this better for her, but I have a hard time imagining any adoption being a positive experience for a birth mother, all you can do is help her make sure she's making the best decision she can so she doesn't regret it later.

I am so sorry. I am new to adoption, and am not up to speed on the etiquette in referring to the expectant mom. I apologize if anything I said was offensive in the least. Please know that was not my intention. I feel really badly if this is how anything was taken. :( Thank you so much for your response. Getting an expectant or birth mom's perspective is so invaluable, and I have much more food for thought now. Thank you again for your reply.

I wasn't offended, and I realize you are new and wouldn't expect you to know any of the ins and outs of language. I'm sorry if it came across as harsh, I really didn't mean for it to, but even simple language can be important. But again, I give you huge credit for caring enough to ask these questions now.

Yes, thank you. I am just so afraid of saying the wrong thing. The reality is, unless you've been in an expctant or birth mom's shoes, you have no idea what she is going through. None. All of this is so new to me and my husband, and there is no way I can ever try to even imagine how an expectant or birth mom might feel. We just want what is best for everyone involved in this, so any and all advice would be so welcome. Adoption is such a sensitive subject and topic for all parties involved, and I never, ever want to offend or hurt anyone by my words or actions. I remember all too well going through the pain of infertility and miscarriages how well-meaning people would say things that would hurt. I knew they meant well and would never say things that were meant to hurt. Because of my experiences, I never want to do that to someone else, but as mentioned, I have no experience in nagivating all of this, so it's kind of scary trying to figure it all out. Much peace and love to you.

I think it's wonderful that you are looking for advice on how to help your niece. I agree with everything that racilious said. The main thing that stuck out for me was your comment "We want this to be nothing but a positive experience for her." I in no way intend this as being mean, it's just my honest thoughts and experience. When I gave my son up for adoption, it was 100% my choice. Even so, the loss of my son to adoption has been the #1 thing that has effected my entire life since. It was much "bigger" than I ever imagined it to be. Even though I have gone on to have a great life, and my son did indeed get the great life that I wanted for him, I would never, ever, describe anything about this experience as anything positive for me. If this mother does go on to choose adoption, she will forever live with the loss of her child, which as you know is a horrible thing (not in any way comparing the loss of a child to death as the loss to adoption). While signing away your parental rights does take the "parenting" out of the equation, it does not "un-birth" the child from her. She is a mother in her heart, mind, and soul. She will always be a mother ~ but without her child. My first suggestion to you is to be sure that your niece doesn't feel as though she "owes" you her child because she has already been considering adoption. You need to be prepared in case she realizes that adoption may not be the right choice, and she needs to know that she can change her mind so that she doesn't go thru with the adoption to avoid hurting you. If she choses adoption only to avoid hurting you, it will surely cause much regret for her, and it will be that much harder for her to be living without parenting her baby. It is very important that she is allowed the time in the hospital to say hello and goodbye to her child. She and the baby need and deserve some time to just be "mommy and child". It is a false belief that it's easier to say goodbye if bonding in the hospital isn't allowed. Bonding has already happened in utero. I wasn't allowed to see my son after birth, it was not easier... If you do go on to adopt this baby, it is very important that you talk about and agree on the description of "open" to all involved. This will eliminate any misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It will not be easy to keep an open adoption ~ it is work for all involved. Add to that the family connection (which is wonderful by the way), and it could be more difficult for the entire family if you aren't on the same page as to how "open" you want it to be. I think if you approach everything with honesty, love and respect for each other, it can be a beautiful thing, if the mother does decide that she doesn't want to parent her baby. There are some great open-adoption blogs that would be wonderful resources for you. Sorry for this novel!

Susie, Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate the time you took to help me understand some things better, and I really appreciate that. You said, " it does not "un-birth" the child from her. She is a mother in her heart, mind, and soul. She will always be a mother ~ but without her child. " Amen to that! In some ways, there are paralels in adoption vs the death of a baby. I am definitely not saying they are one and the same, but I also know the pain of going to the hospital, having full labor, the epidural, the whole kit and caboodle, and leaving the hospital without my baby. I also will always see myself as a mother, but without my child. I went through the pain of childbirth, and that is something nobody can ever take away from me, and I undeestand it will be the same for our niece if she chooses to place. See, due to a genetic disorder that we now know I have, the chances of every carrying a baby to term and have it live are very small for me. I gave birth to my sweet son at 5 months pregnant, and he died at birth. He was just too young to live on his own. :( Our social worker/counselor has told us that for the birth mom, in many ways, placing a child for adoption is like a death. The pain of the loss is the same. She has to give birth and go home empty-handed. If that is the case, then there are indeed some paralels to placing a baby and a death.(If I am wrong about that and my social worker is wrong, please let me know.) It breaks my heart that my sweet niece will feel anything like that when/if she places her baby, but I can perhaps understand just a little because I have lost many babies myself, and know how it might feel on some level. I think the only reason I used the words "we want to make this a positive experience for her" is because she told me and my husband that she hopes this will be as positive an experience for her as it was for her older sister. (Her older sister also placed her baby for adoption a few years back, too.) But, after listening to both you and Racilious on this subject, there is no way this can be positive for her. However, I do hope in some ways my husband and I can do whatever we can to help ease any grief, uncertainties, etc for her. I hope my own experience with loss and grief can help her. I have tried to help other mother's who have lost their babies in pregnancy like me, and it has been very fulfilling to me to help others and make my own experience something to learn and grow from. Anyway, that is our vision and hope for her, that we can do whatever we can, no matter how small, to make this easier for her. I know there is no way something of this magnitude will *ever* be easy for her, but we want to at least try. Is that even possible, do you think? If so, that was my main reason for my OP. Any and all avice on what we can do will be so appreciated and welcomed. As far as her not feeling pressured to place her baby with us, we have hopefully done that. Whether she decides to parent, place her baby with us, or even place with another couple, we have talked to her in great length that we do not want her to feel pressured in any way, and I have been anal about watching what I say or do around her so she does not feel that way. It is a fine balance because she also wants to help decorate the nursery with me. I am honored she would want to do that, but at the same time, having her help us with the nursery and other things that she would be normally doing if she were going to parent her baby, makes it a fine line, indeed. If she helps with the nursery, do I turn her down for fear she will feel pressured? I don't want to deny her that, and do hope that her helping us with the nursery will help her in her grief later on, when she can picture exactly what the baby's room looks like, that she helped make a place for her baby, where the baby is at, and get some kind of small peace from that. Not only that, but I am hoping if she is actively engaged in helping us get ready for the baby, it will not only bring us all closer, but be healing and helpful to her in some ways. But, the downside of it all is that she might feel pressured. Please know we have never once asked her to help with all of this. We want her to be as actively engaged in all of this as she is comfortable being, and have been leaving it all up to her as to what she is comfortable and not comfortable with. Anyway, sorry, mine has turned into a novel, too. I could talk forever on this subject. My own dear sister has adopted all 3 of her children when they were infants, but her adoptions are all semi-open, with no visits, just cards, photos, letters, and other non-identifying information being exchanged. Unfortunately, her experience with adoption will not help me in many ways because open and family adoptions are so different than semi-open adoptions. I guess what I am trying to say is, even though our family is no stranger to adoption, (our em’s sister also placed her baby, as mentioned) we have seen both sides of the adoption spectrum, and all we wish for is this to be as good as it can be for all of us. But, even with all of this experience with adoption that we have had, nothing has prepared us for this being our own adoptive situation, so I appreciate everyone’s words of wisdom on all of this. Thank you so much, and thank you for reading my novel.

Susie, one last thing, and I promise to shut up, lol. :) You said," It is a false belief that it's easier to say goodbye if bonding in the hospital isn't allowed. Bonding has already happened in utero. I wasn't allowed to see my son after birth, it was not easier... First off, I am so very sorry that you weren't allowed to see your son. I sought counseling after losing my 5 month pregnancy, and my counselor helped me understand that holding (or at least seeing) my sweet son was important for healing and closure. I am so very sorry you were denied that, and hope that you have peace. I now know that my counselor was right. Holding and seeing my sweet son before they took him away forever was something priceless and precious. The bonding does occur en utero as you mentioned. When a woman gives birth to a baby, there is a a forever connection there that can never be severed, nor can anyone ever take away. Having gone through the loss cycle, I truly understand and get that. Your words have further confirmed that the experience of holding and bonding with the baby is something we would never voluntarily take away from our niece. Thank you for your words of wisdom. :) Much hugs to you!

I read this thread and you have gotten some great advice. I am an adoptee so I hope you don't mind that I chime in here on bonding and holding. My bmom REFUSED to hold me see me and even know my gender. This was many years ago but I believe this has had an impact on my life in subtle way before I even knew about it. Once I had my own children and later found out about her (she was amom sister and it was a closed adoption) It really hit me hard because I knew the bond I had with each of my sons was so much more intense than when they were inside me. It was amazing and I just cannot imagine any mother that has given birth not being able to have this experience, never mind refusing this experience. The whole thing was unbelieveable and I can see how some bmoms would change their plans after this. This is another reason to allow bmom to hold, bond and spend time with her baby. I know to some PAPs they are terrified of this becaus ethere is alway the risk that bmom will decide to parent, but wouldn't you want to know that bmom was truly at peace and really sure she wanted to place? My amom like yourself knew the feeling of loss and empty arms X3 full term c-sections born still so I know how heartbreaking it was for her and adad and in those days holding a deceased baby was unheard of. Moms were knocked out and never even saw the baby. Anyhow knowing that feeling I am sure you would not want any mother to feel that kind of loss. I know you wouldn't but what I am trying to say is adoption is bittersweet and your bmom will no doubt have pain. I commend you for reaching out for ways to help her and make this a good experience. I am going to pray that your empty arms are filled with the baby that is meant to be yours.

Hi Wanting-- I agree--losing a baby to death and losing a baby to adoption are very, very similar. One significant different to note is that a firstmother is almost always treated with contempt by the general public. After all, our loss is our "choice," and society at large will never acknowledge our grief. At least women who lose their babies to death are allowed to publicly grieve and have their loss validated. Firstmoms aren't granted even that, not even by the people who are supposed to love and care for her. I'm so very sorry. I went into premature labor with my relinquished son at six months, took medication that made me extremely ill to stop the labor for almost three months. I was terrified that he would be born too early. I can sort of relate to that nightmare. Thankfully the medication worked and he was healthy. Your social worker was absolutely correct for the most part. The significant difference I've seen is that mothers who lose their children to death are allowed and even encouraged to grieve, while firstmoms aren't. Firstmoms are universally condemned as unfit and unworthy and we grieve in solitary confinement. Another difference is that firstmoms have to struggle with the future unknowns. Should I tell my raised children about their lost sibling given that the lost sibling may never want to know them? Or should I keep quiet and risk having to tell them later, when the sibling wants to know them? When and how should I tell boyfriends and others in my life knowing that I risk losing those people once they know? Mothers who lose their babies to death don't have those struggles. Based on my experience and those I've heard from others, there's nothing positive about relinquishing. It's a continuum of less bad to more bad. I can't imagine any relinquishing mother honestly believing that it was good for her, though I suppose it's possible. I've just never known anyone who really believes that. Positive for her baby yes, but positive for her? I have my doubts. Based on my experience I'd suggest the following. Note that I'm not suggesting that you are doing any of these things.[LIST=1][*]Never, ever say or act like your niece is a vessel or broodmare. She is a mother in every sense of the word, the baby is her baby, and she deserves the same respect given to any other expectant mother.[*]Although it's common verbiage don't refer to your niece as "your birthmom," even after relinquishment. She is her own person and the term strikes many firstmoms as a term of possession or ownership. I'm sure you don't intend it that way but that's how it's interpreted by many firstmoms.[*]Do not touch her belly without her express desire that you do so.[*]Acknowledge her motherhood now and after relinquishing, in both word and deed. So many times I read that after delivery, APs deny the firstmom's motherhood and that IMHO is just cruel. (I haven't had to deal with that yet as mine was basically a closed adoption, and my son's APs don't know we're in contact.)[*]Unless she insists otherwise on multiple occasions, do not attend the delivery. If she says she wants you there, be sure to let her know that you are okay with her changing her mind.[*]Give her plenty of time to spend with the baby after delivery with no one else present.[*]Be adamant that everyone involved, especially family, be alert to her condition following relinquishment. Extreme depression, up to and including self-destructiveness, usually accompany that loss. Everyone needs to be ready to intervene if necessary.[*]Be aware that the psychiatric industry as a whole does not recognize relinquishing as a traumatic event. One must search far and wide for a psychiatric professional who even acknowledges the severe psychological impact of that "choice."[*]Keep your promises, even when it's difficult. Finding out that my son was not raised as I was promised, that his APs broke every vow they made, has been hell on earth for me.[*]If your niece becomes pregnant soon after relinquishing--which isn't uncommon--resist any urge to assume or suggest that her second baby should also be relinquished, or that you should raise the second child, or that she is unfit because she hasn't done XYZ.[/LIST]Again, that's all based on my own admittedly very bad experience and the experiences of others I've come to know. I hope it's helpful.

I'm back! I will try to not write a novel this time! Thanks for sharing some more of your story. It sounds like you are being more than careful and loving with your niece. In adoption it is such a fine line from wanting to include the mother in your preparing/parenting plans, and what may be coercive. I think it would be healing for her to participate in planning the babies nursery etc., but as you are worried about it could also come into play that she would feel she had to follow through the adoption plan because you already have the nursery and stuff ready. I don't know what is right in this instance. Maybe if you just sit her down and tell her how you would love to have her help decorating, but that you want to talk to her because you feel that a final decision for adoption has to be made after she has given birth. Tell her that while you would love nothing more than to be a mommy and daddy, that you don't want to do that at her expense. Tell her that you have heard of instances where the mother had changed her mind after the baby was born but couldn't bring herself to hurt the adoptive parents. Ask her to take time to say hello to her baby before she considers saying goodbye so that you can all know that she is making the choice for herself and her baby, not for you guys. (that reads harsh ~ I in no way mean it that way!) One good thing about her being your niece ~ no matter what choice the mom makes, you will all be a part of this babies life forever. Whoever is parenting will still have the other to be a part of this babies life. There is no such thing as too much love!! As I write this, it breaks my heart for you if she would choose to parent... Just as it breaks my heart for your niece... *sigh* I would like to add one thing about adoption/death. This is kind of off topic for any advice I have for you, but it's a continuation of the comparison of adoption and death of a child. I had kind of an "ah ha" moment as I read Hummermom's reply. I have never experienced the death of a child myself, so again I am in no way comparing the two. Please know that! With adoption there is a loss of a child, but the child is still alive. It's more of a death of the motherhood of your child. With the death of a baby/person, there is closure at some point. Not an end of the grief, but closure and acceptance? (I have such a hard time getting the thoughts out of my head and into written words, I hope I can make sense of what I'm trying to say!) With the death of your motherhood for a child, you are continually facing new losses, new "deaths". You aren't there for all of the "firsts", smile, crawling, walking, talking, etc. All of the milestones, the illnesses and injuries... the list goes on and on. So there is never really any closure or acceptance, as it just keeps on changing. Even now, when my son is 32 years old. I've lost not just my son, but also now a grandson and granddaughter as well as a beautiful daughter-in-law... Wantingtobe ~ thank you for your kind words about my son. While I wasn't allowed to see him at birth, I did get an hour with him when he was three weeks old. I have had the joy of seeing him in person three times since we found each other 2 1/2 years ago. We continue to get to know each other through emails too. I have hopes that soon I will also get to meet his wife and children too. You seem like an amazing, loving person. I hope that one day soon you will be a momma. If you (or even your niece) ever find yourself with any questions, please feel free to send me a message. I don't come here very often, usually just when there is a new reply to something I have posted on. Thanks to you for your words of wisdom also, and I'm sending hugs right back at you!

Hello-I can't imagine the difficulty you have been through but adopting from a family member can be tricky to be quite honest. After all this person is your niece not just a distant cousin, this is someone who you have to be willing to let be around after the adoption as I was in an open adoption that should have happened but never did. I never got the pictures from the adoptive family nothing that lets me know how she is doing. With your niece ask her honestly what she would like and be honest with yourself about what you are willing to commit to as adoptive parents, as the worst thing you can do is tell her or promise her you will allow certain things or do certain things like pictures or visits and then not follow through. As I am sure you are aware that since she is family your particular situation is a little more delicate than the normal adoption although I am not sure there is anything considered normal in any situation these days. I guess the most important thing I can stress is to always be honest with her don't cover up your feelings about any of her suggestions and encourage her to be honest with you, it will go along way to making sure your child has the best of both worlds.

Hello, I'm a birthmother from the time (1962) when I had to hide and never knew about my son after the hospital time. Perhaps to understand what your niece will go thru, imagine how it would be for yourself if you carried to term a love child then had to sign it away. It's the most awful thing imaginable....worst than a death, for you never know where they are, how they are, etc. I know this is a harsh statement, but with death, one knows it's gone....with a closed adoption (as it was for me and many), one never knows anything and that can be so terribly hard. This new age is wonderful! To know the adoptive parents and to be able to somehow be in touch with your child, with councelling, could be great. It also could be terribly sad. I never had councelling nor anyone to ''tell'' and most my early life was terribly sad, with bad choices. I think it's great you are family. I think a good way is to let her feel your love and support, let her know that you are there for her in all ways how ever she decides to go, then give her space to feel her pregnacy and get her feelings/thoughts straightened out. I do feel councelling is very important for both her AND you.....you, also, have to be on a rollercoaster.....so much is involved emotionally for all of you. This forum is so valuable!! Thankyou for this! We have come a long way!! It's great you are wishing for info on how to deal with this. Many good wishes to you and your niece.

Consider telling her that you will love the child (as is) and will help the child to know that he/she is an important individual with something special to offer to everyone involved. Share your common goals for the child and write about it, separately and/or together, Journaling during my pregnancy helped my child ( as an adult ) to understand what i was going through as a pregnant teenager.

Hi there! I hope you don't mind more responses. I think in this venue, you will get very honest responses, but they may at times be hard to hear (about grief, etc). I'm an adopted adult (closed) and a birthmom to a 19 year old (open). First off, I have so much respect, love, and gratefulness to my son's adoptive parents. They had truly come to terms with their own issues enough to completely share him with me to the best of their abilities, with an open and loving heart. I will be grateful to them for that until the day I die, and that is not always the case in open adoption (many do later close the adoption, which is the worst kind of betrayal, as you know).On the other hand, in many ways I suffer so much from being an adoptee and from being a birthmother. So what can I share that would be helpful?As an adoptee, the biggest thing i would want from my adoptive parents would be to intuit and understand me on an emotional level. To sympathize with the loss I endured at such an early age. To allow me to express a wide range of emotion about it to the best of my ability. To not expect me to just be a one-dimensional, happy child who was grateful that they "took me in." I was very amiable and agreeable as a child, and took cues from them that that was what was expected of me. As an adolescent I learned to act out behind the scenes so that I could still please them, but there was a darkness... Ongoing therapy would be very helpful to kids who really have no idea what their issues are (it took me a mere 37 years to realize it, but the damage I left behind me was irreparable...). As a birthmother, a couple of things. First, as others have said, she HAS NOT made her decision yet. The bond is very, very strong. You need to give her the space to make this decision on her own. Honestly if I were there, I'd tell her it's not worth the pain she will endure all her life, I'm sorry to tell you, but that's the truth. I love my son's parents. But I love my SON more. Think if it were you - even if you were young, it would not be easy to hand your child away forever. You don't love the baby any less just because you are young.Second, be generous. Refer to her as the child's mom too. Keep open about her and with her. Allow them to know each other, they will both love you so much for it. They need each other, and if you can accept that truly, you will be an amazing mother.Bless you for being who you are. I honor you and respect you for it. Also, I encourage you to use the terrible, heart-breaking losses you have endured as a way to empathize with the losses of the birthmother and adoptee. There are times when they both might be fine, or might shut it out because they can't deal with it. But there are times when it will be incredibly painful. I'm sure you can probably relate from your own grief, which will be a part of you now, for life. If they are allowed to grieve, they will be much healthier. Sent with love and hope for all of you.

Hi Wanting - I am a new birthmom and would love to share with you the experience I had and hopefully it will help! I chose very early that I wanted adoption. I ended up choosing a family who, like yourself, cannot have their own children. This situation made it much easier for me to choose this route. It has NEVER been easy, but it could have been a lot more difficult. The aparents that we chose were completely open with us and honest with us. I was able to talk to them during the times that i was doubting adoption. They were completely supportive for any decision I made. (obviously they were hoping for adoption) I did have the same fear your bmom has.. Would they forget about me once they had what they wanted? The answer I learned was no. They could never forget about me or never be thankful for me and my strength, but I needed to be reminded. Every bmom needs that reminder of how truly valuable their decision was and how much you really think about them. Send little messages a few times a week or even everyday. Maybe even everytime you think about her. My aparents did that for me and they seemed to have perfect timing with it. I remember feeling sad and all of the sudden i would get a picture message from them of my baby. It was helpful to see that yes she was happy and this was the right decision for her. Please know that this decision will always be right for the baby, but NEVER right for the birth mother. Allow the birthmother to grieve. The bmom will feel resentment toward you and even jealousy. Know that this is not personal, but very normal. She will be jealous that you can take care of this child the way she wanted to yet she cant. You have to remember that in order to gain something, she had to lose something. You also have to remind yourselves and her that she will always be the birthmom, and no one can take that away from her. You will always be the adoptive mom aka mommy, the one that baby will answer to everyday, and no one can take that away from you either. There has to be a serious level of respect on both sides in order for this to work. My baby girl just turned 3 months today,and not a day goes by that i dont think about her. I dont feel like im missing something anymore only because my aparents have let me know in little ways everyday that i do matter and they do think about me every single day and every time they look at their baby. As humans we need to feel needed. Once a bmom gives up her baby, she doesnt feel needed anymore because that baby is doing just fine without her. It is a tough pill to swallow. Only time will heal that mother's wound. Just always let her know when you are thinking about her and be honest with her every single day for the rest of your lives together.