Passive/Agressive HELP

I sympathize with what you're going through. Yes, passive aggressive behaviors can be part of RAD. Whenever I first talk to parents about their child coming to me for therapeutic respite (95% of them have RAD) I ask, is your child the aggressive kind of RAD or the passive aggressive kind? I'm going to share some tips, but don't try and do them all at once. Pick one or two to begin with, then add the others as you start feeling more confident with the ones you're already implementing.First off, they may be operating on the premise that causing chaos around them helps match what's inside themselves. Remind yourself over and over that their chaos doesn't have to be yours. Take lots of deep breaths, and if need be, walk away for a moment, regroup, then go back and engage.They can only engage you in every detail of their life if you engage back. Ways to not participate in every question or comment include the following: -don't engage, just say, "Thank you for sharing!" over and over-think of a goofy phrase and whenever they try and engage you in non-positive ways say that phrase, over and over. Something like, "I like purple pumpkins, too!" The idea is that they'll get tired of your phrase, said in a pleasant tone of voice, and eventually quit with their nonsense questions.-Make them the expert by saying, "You're a very smart child and I'm going to let you figure that out."As to the morning routine, make a list, tell them what they're supposed to do, and leave them to do it. Start on a Saturday. When they're not at the table on time for breakfast, tell them they get to do it all over again. Go back to bed, and try again. Yes, they'll argue. But your goal is not to keep them from complaining, but to show them you're serious about them following the routine. Then, that night, put the child to bed early, saying, with a smile, "Since you had so much trouble following your morning routine, I know it's because you were tired. I'm going to help you do better in the morning by making sure you have extra sleep tonight." Then, if the next morning, they still have trouble with the routine, put them to bed even earlier. But, do it with a positive approach i.e. I'm helping you, rather than I'm mad at you.As for asking your kids to do things and then they don't do it, or they do it half way, try it this way:-give them a chore and ask them if they think they're going to be strong enough to do it your way, or if they're going to want to do it their own way. -be very specific about the chore, ask them if there are any questions, and tell them where to sit when they're done-if it's not to your standards, calmly tell them to re-do the chore-their world stops until they do the chore to your standards--without your help. No going outside, no bike riding, no family board games, nothing, until the chore is done to your standards. Remember, you're going after long-term change, not just for today. Be calm, be patient, and realize that this may go on for days, or even weeks.If your children have RAD, they need LOTS of nurturing, on your terms. Hugs, snuggling, rocking, drawing on their backs, etc. In fact, when you give them a chore, you might say, "And I'm thinking you need an extra hug from mom before you start your chore."Hope some of this helps give you a few new ideas to try.Susan Ward[URL="http://www.olderchildadoptionsupport.com"]Older Child Adoption Support[/URL]

My current kids do that, too, which can drive me crazy, although I much prefer the passive-aggressive to the aggressive RAD. =) We have lived with both.I get questions non-stop from the 8-year-old. Sometimes, he genuinely wants to know. Sometimes, it's ridiculous, and strategically asked when I don't want to be interrupted. I tell him "Why do YOU think so?" (not in a snotty tone- just a curious one) and tell him that once he has written down his answer and a few supporting sentences then I will tell him what I think. He has never once written it down so I avoid quite a few questions that way.I have also told him (on my very impatient days) "You only have 3 more questions that will be answered today, so you'd better pick good ones you really want to know the answer to." When he asks "Mom, can I ask you a question?" that counts as one... that drives me crazy more than anything! A kid who asks a thousand questions a day and always asks first if he can ask a question.... soooo tempting to just say "Nope!"I agree very strongly with the previous posters guidelines to getting them to do chores. I've worked really hard with my 5-year-old and when she has one of her super defiant days she has to clean alongside me (time-in). She has become an efficient little cleaner. =) We just started homeschooling and she did her entire first week of worksheets wrong, on purpose. For example, I told her to circle the words that were the same, and she put an X on the words that were different. UGH. An entire week of worksheets! I told her that was an F for not following directions, and that she would have no recess, no video games, no fun snacks, NOTHING until she erased every page and did it the right way. She sat there forever but she knows I mean what I say so she eventually fixed it.I have to say- I was reading the reply when my 8-year-old decided to come and tell me something completely random. I said "Thanks for sharing!" and he said "Ummm... you're welcome..." and walked away completely bewildered. LOL! :)

My son with RAD wants to be aggressive and violent, but the fact that he is tiny and was born without legs and one arm, makes it really hard, so mostly he settles for passive aggressive. For mine some of the suggestions above have helped. We always lay out clothes the night before. If they have trouble with this or don't do it then I pick out the clothes for them, since they are not able to do it. If he cannot brush his teeth without constant issues popping up, then I tell him he is not strong enough or old enough it seems to do it himself and I will brush his teeth for him until he is ready to be able to do it by himself without having to call me for something. He hates not having control, so having me pick out his clothes or brush his teeth makes him nuts. I usually answer the questions with telling him to think about it or telling him that when he gets home I will give him a dictionary and he can look up the information after his homework is done. (he hates missing his play time to look up the answer to a question) I have a friend who makes her kids ask all questions in writing. She has one with RAD and one that needed writing practice. She made a box and has a note pad next to it so the kids must write the questions and put them in the box. She started charging for any repeated questions, she gave them written answers and told them to keep them in their rooms. (she made each child a box for the answers to be put in on their dressers) Sometimes she puts questions in their boxes, like "what do you want for your birthday?" or "Do you know how much I love you and how proud I am of how hard you worked on studying your spelling words today?"

Great suggestions. Some I have tried in the past and need to go back to them cuz they helped (that is, helped ME feel less insane) I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to know that someone else knows what this is like. When your kids look perfectly compliant and helpful on the outside, it makes it really hard for others to understand why you react the way you do. My MIL is the worst about it. She thinks I am being harsh. She just doesn't spend enough time with them to see that they are manipulating. Here is a for instance: The kids went swimming at the grands house. My son is always demanding to use the snorkel and won't share it. To make it easier for the grands, I told him that this would be his sister's day to use it and he could use it the next time they swim. He did not like that, of course. When I came back to get him, guess what had "accidently" gotten thrown into the bushes and could not be found??? Yep, the snorkel. I confronted him about it and told him I thought that he had probably thrown them on purpose because I made him give his sister a turn. He started crying (classic sign that he is GUILTY!) My MIL ran to his rescue and insisted that it was an accident. W H A T E V E R!! I do have to say that things have improved. It is still difficult, but compared to 2 1/2 years ago, it is much better. I am hopeful we will continue to see them grow and mature.

Hi, I just wanted to say that my RAD 5yo is the same way. I only started to see an improvement in his behavior when I took the time to help him. Really, the passive-aggressive behaviors are just a plea for attention...attention that they never received from their birth mother. My kiddo would drag his feet getting ready in the morning...from eating breakfast, to getting dressed, to brushing teeth...even going to the bathroom by himself. He just didn't want to be alone. Transitions are really hard for these RAD kiddos because often they were uprooted from homes (multiple foster homes) during times of transition (before school, during meals, before bedtime, ect). It is important to reassure them that they aren't going anywhere. Also, forget all the traditional therapy views that say you shouldn't express your anger and frustration. It is okay to let your kiddo know that you see what they are doing, and you are frustrated with them (when you do X, it makes me feel X)...take your own "mommy time-out" if it is just too much. Show them how to self-regulate. What has helped me? 1,2,3 Magic (time-outs for stopping behaviors, and setting a timer for doing...get one that they can see visually how much time has elapsed helps: [url=http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000J5OFW0/ref=oh_details_o00_s01_i00)]Amazon.com: Time Timer, 8 Inch: Health & Personal Care[/url], rewards charts, and balancing all of that by being accommodating to their needs (even the most off the wall requests). They desperately need consistency, routine, love, affection (even when they recoil...make it a game...Mommy can't start the car without a kiss!), and yes lots of attention. I noticed that I was always telling my kiddo "NO" and his behaviors got worse. If I started saying yes, or giving him options (do you want the red or blue cup...I will help you with your socks but I need you to put on your shirt and pants...) that helped immensely. Keep trying different things & see what works - most of all be flexible! It will pay off in the end.

thanks,good work