PAP here, experiencing lack of communication

Well, she is an expectant mom right now, not a birth mom, just to put some perspective on it. I'm guessing she is taking some time to be by herself with her child while she doesn't have to share it with anyone else. I don't know if you have been pregnant or not, but the last few weeks are pretty miserable and even women that are happy to be pregnant don't always have a lot to do with anyone. Now think about being both physically and emotionally miserable, would you want to be around someone else? Especially someone who is excited to be the mother of your baby? I know that sounds really harsh, and I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I'm just giving you the other side of all of it. Don't nag her, don't push her, let her have her space. If it is meant to be, it will.

I'm in complete agreement with Belle on this issue. The last few weeks of pregnancy are the hardest part for a woman who is soon to relinquish her newborn infant for adoption. It's a time of very complex emotions, and when you throw in all the hormonal changes into the mix...well, it's just darn difficult to feel like talking to anybody.I enjoyed my pregnancy, both physically and emotionally. I felt healthy, vibrant, and alive...I was in great shape. But I have to admit that the last month was pure torture. I had emotional outbursts that seemed to come out of nowhere for no reason at all. I was physically very, very uncomfortable to the point where it was hard to just get into bed at night or get into a car. I was afraid of the pain of childbirth, and I was super stressed about what I knew was coming shortly, namely that I was going to have to hand over my baby son to strangers.I became very, very quiet in those last few weeks. I don't think I even talked much to my mom or kid brother. I didn't falter in my decision to surrender my baby, I just didn't feel like talking about it. And I think if pre-birth matches had been around in those years, I really would have tried to avoid talking to my son's soon-to-be parents simply because they would be filled with joy and excitement, while I was feeling miserable. Whenever I feel miserable, I don't like to expose my friends or family members to my misery, if that makes any sense. I guess I'm one of those people who don't enjoy company when I'm miserable, which just goes to show you that that old saying, "Misery loves company," isn't always correct.Give the emom some room. She's probably just dealing with everything right now the best that she can.

Thank you, first of all, ladies for correcting me. I'm a newb, it must be frustrating to you that I don't know my acronyms yet. Most importantly, thank you for your thoughts. I am grateful. This is scary for me, the first and closest chance I've had to becoming a potential parent so I'm just in "freak out" mode, and it's based on fear: fear that it won't happen. I know that if it doesn't happen, sadly, that it wasn't meant to be. It's not about me, and it's not personal. OK, I can take that in, and process it, and respect it... another question: Is it fair for me to be concerned that because this is a private adoption, and that there is no agency or SW, and this woman (per her mom that told my friend) thinks that she's gonna have the baby and it's just going to be handed to me? Besides her changing her mind, which I know is a possibility, I am afraid that she will have not communicated to the hospital until the 11th hour and that the child will be handed over to the state. Maybe that's my crazy head, my noisy brain and my planning nature that is making me think of worst case senarios. Not that she changes her mind, that is within her rights as a mother, and I accept that. I know she has a lot going on, multiple children, an abusive man is the father, and she is facing some pretty heavy charges and jail time. She is also working. I completely get that she may just not have the space to make a phone call. Thank you for your replies :)

Can the state potentially step in or not? Just wondering. A lot of women don't notify hospitals of pending adoption plans because historically hospitals aren't good at handling adoptions.

Oh, please don't worry about the terminology right now. We realize you're new to the adoption community...and it takes us all a while to become familiar with all the different terms and acronyms. You're doing just fine! To be honest, I don't know a whole lot about private independent adoptions. But I'm sure there are some adoptive parents here who can help answer your question. Do you have an attorney who's handling the adoption? Have you run your concerns by him or her? Ouch, that might have repercussions when the baby is born. Do you know if she's had any of her older children removed from the home by Child Protective Services? If so, there's a good chance that CPS will step in if the hospital notifies them of the birth. I honestly don't know how it works, though, if she's never dealt with CPS before. The fact that she's facing jail time might make a difference...I just don't know. Once again, I believe we have several members here who might be able to more adequately answer your questions and concerns. Good luck on your journey. I know you're scared, and I also know that the fear you're experiencing right now is very normal. Try to do something just for yourself during this waiting period. Once your baby comes home to you, you're going to be super busy and sleep deprived for a while, so be sure to get as much rest now that you can. :loveyou:

We were trying two routes at once-agency and private adoption through an attorney. we were told by the attorney that had we matched that way, when the emom goes into delivery, we contact the attorney and the attorney handles communications with the hospital. In our state, in private adoptions, the baby leaves the hospital with the attorney. Talk to your lawyer, and try not to worry so much. We had non contact with our son's mom before delivery, so I know how maddening the lack of communication can be. But, like Raven and Belle have said, I'm sure it's taking everything she has just to take care of the baby and herself right now.

I don't know about CPS. Her family has always stepped in when she's had legal problems in the past. It's a good piece of information that I am not aware of. In AZ the county handles private adoptions for no charge to PAPs which is cool, but they don't handle TPRs which is great when the eparents are both willing, known, and can participate. We have spoken to a lawyer but not retained her for that piece. We were thinking of using her for handling the TPR for the father, who apparently wrote the mother a letter telling her not to give the baby up and that she's still trying to convince him to let her. She does NOT want the baby, but he has rights. I posted in another thread that we will not fight him, so now our debate is if we go ahead and take the baby knowing we may full well have to give him to dad once he is "found." I just don't know that I'll be able to do that. We were not expecting this, weren't financially prepared for attourney's fees. It's funny, seems almost anyone can (but us here on this forum, really) can have a baby, but you need like $10K to adopt the right way, and it's still a big question mark. It's why we decided against fertility treatments- the doc told us it would be $40k after IVF and donor eggs. One thing is for sure, it seems less and less likely every day that this is going to happen.

It could be so many different things you just have to have faith that if it is meant to be it will work out. It sounds like thus far you aren't financially invested so as of now you really just need to be patient and just know that if it is meant to be it will be.