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I have no idea were to start here,In Oct of 1994 I had a baby girl I was just barely 21 years old, I already had a daughter @ 17 years old I kept, I just felt for the best decision would be to give my second child up for adoption, it was never a second thought from the minute I discovered I was pregnant.I met the adoptive parents, we in fact had a very close relationship, So It was easy to talk to them about everything. I didnt have any demands, we agreed together the adoption would be opened,well the baby was born and the adoptive parents brought her home, I admit I was pretty emotional about it. I new I would be,Its natural to be sad.I didn't make a production about it, I knew it would get a little easier, with time as all things do,as far as the opened part of the adoption I only asked if I could just get some pictures once in a while, I also did get to hold her a month after she was born. I was invited over, so my daughter and I went over for a visit,that was pretty amazing ,I did get some pictures also out of that visit. The adoptive dad and I became very close for years, after all this he would bring me pictures, I had no idea he was sneaking them to me at the time,he would tell me my little girl was just like me I figured she would be , to make a long story sum what short eventually they went their way and I went mine, well in July of 2008, I had a wonderful baby boy. I was so excited, I had to show him to the adoptive parents. I never really thought twice about it. I went over knocked on the door and when the adoptive mom answered the door she said "yes,may I help you?" I was like its me "E"'S BIRTH-MOM !! I was mortified she didn't know who I even was. I said I just wanted to show you someone. I brought my baby up to her door and showed her. I really cant remember what all was said, due to the fact she had no idea who I was,how could she not know who I was ?Its not like I changed colors and was purple. That was very weird to me , anyways, we all know Facebook, and use it, well I was messing around and I found "E"'S profile, I instantly sent her a friends request, after all, this adoption was opened from the beginning, I didn't want anything, I just really wanted "E" to know she had other siblings, by this time I also had another baby another boy, This was around mothers day of 2010, That puts "E" @ 15 years old, I was so excited when she excepted my daughters and my request, I didn't realize how much that really meant to me, well we really didn't get a chance to speak,later that day I thought maybe I should just lets "E"'S mom know. I was just wanting to get to know her, nothing more. I put the email together wished her a happy mothers day and sent it , she replied quickly to say that "E" is a typical 15 year old teenage girl with all kinds of drama and as far as her having any brothers the only brothers, the only ones she has are "N" "M" and I would appreciate it if you do not contact me or my daughter again.I was completely beside myself. I was like this is not what we spoke about, this was not the arrangement , how could she be so impersonal with someone who had given her own child to. I didn't reply, I didn't say anything. It ate at me everyday, everyday, I would think how rude she was and what a lier she turned out to be, I thought about this everyday ,until I seen a social website with"E"'S profile on it, and it was opened I started to read it and I was sick for days,I was angry and confused I felt like I failed in trying to give her what I thought she needed,and I just couldn't provide.These people were spose to care for her,I realize kids do things , I did thing's, but I read she had already been pregnant two different times, but both times she lost the baby 6 or 7 months into the pregnancy she isn't even 16 yet! she had been arrested for shoplifting, spent time in some kind of mental hospital, lived in another state entirely, w/o either of her parents.still not even 16 yet. Apparently she thinks she is of an Asian and African American decent. I am completely White , nothing remotely on me looks anything other then White. Well after I read this I shared it with my daughter and we were both in complete shock. I then replied to the email from her adoptive mom. I used all caps in the entire thing. I let her know I only just wanted her to know she has other family out here that cares for her and how dare she change our agreement and I did call her a lier several times. There was so much more I wanted to say but didn't. I got a reply that said" IS THIS YOUR ROUND ABOUT WAY OF SAYING SHE CAN STAY WITH YOU FOR A BIT?" :sick: :sick: :sick: I :confused: :confused: I am really looking for some advice here, Well I ended up finding "E" AGAIN ON FB, again my daughter and myself sent a friends request "E" accepted it. I sent her a message. I said is this really you ? she said "YUMP". and that was the last thing she said to me . I don't know what to do, I realize she will be 18 soon I am extremely concerned she has had two baby's die @ 6 or 7 months pregnant.. Is it even true? I read things and its all so disturbing to me. My stomach turns when I think about what an mess it all turned out to be for her. I just want someone to tell me I am not at fault ,I didn't doom her because I gave her up, That she wasn't pre-doomed from the start, because I had other plans for her, plans I felt good about.Now I COMPLETELY SECOND GUESS MYSELF . Not to mention I am becoming horribly obsessed with her in secret of course. I dont know what had gotten me so curious out of the blue, I just wanted her to know us, Also my daughter is having my first grand baby, I really think that has something to do with it . My daughter is in the service so she isn't in my state.I wasn't seeking "E" for any other reason then to tell her about her other brothers and to get to know her. I totally have my hands full with my two boys. Plus since she did accept our request I guess that means she doesn't hate me. I also think in time her own time she will come find me, she is still so young yet and not yet aware of what she really has as far as family goes . you know to appreciate it . I dont know I am just thinking, family when I was her age was the last thing on my mind... Any thought s are greatly appreciated weather they be positive or negative.... sORRY THIS WAS SO LONG!!!:Thanks:
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Wow how heartbreaking for you and your daughter. I was adopted and I had a horrific adoptive family. I am so glad that my biological parents never knew. At this point your daughter is probably just so hurt, confused and scared that all you can do is extend the olive branch. She may not be able to accept but just being there in a gentle, non threatening way will speak volumes. If you want a relationship maybe you could suggest a lunch, coffee, something quick, easy. Do you still have a relationship with the dad? Can he shed any light on the situation? Hugs.
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Wow! I can't believe the amom has turned so dramatically. You bd should be able to know her birth siblings. I don't know what a moms problem is but if u are able I would reply to her email and tell her that if she needs a place for E to stay then she is always welcome in your home. It sounds like she is very out of control and would be a handful but I know that u love her and would want to be there for her.
Are you still able to contact adad? Sounds like you got along with him better from the start? If so I would probably try to contact him and see if he can give u any insight into what is going on, what has happened, etc..
Best of luck, like u said she is almost 18 and no matter what she can leave that house then. Also remember you did what was best for her even if her a parents didn't.
Gisellechloe,Yes, I did try to contact him, I never received a response,Ya the lunch thing sounds good,although I did try to offer amom some help I said I have a feeling "E" is alot like me and as Kroos2006 put she as I was too very out of control, I gave amom my cell, no response. I also did let amom know if she needed to talk to call, I am just around the corner.what is scary to me, is she IS ME !! ("E" ) it completely blows my mind, her fav colors are min she loves hot cheetoes as does my other daughter, she loves old cars my most fav past time, I but @ the same time "E" kinda scares me her life seems scary her friends are all thugs it seems,I just cant shake this feeling I need to do something. I guess its a mom thing, when you find out things are a miss with your children, it doesn't matter who raised them, that urgency to help kicks in. I want to let "E" know she can talk to me anytime, I wont judge her,w/o sounding like a idiot or a halmark card. lol, I am glad I wrote this out @ 3am this morning, like I said this keeps me awake @ night. I appreciate the replies, @ least I know I am not the odd one, I stuck to my end.On a differant note, Do you speak with your bmom? are you close with your aparents? I know u said they were horrible .Just curious .
kroos2006,Hi thanks for the reply, Ya I raised my other daughter w/0 a dad her dad passed away in an auto accident when she was 4 , I guess it really doesn't matter how many parents a child has as long as they are good ones, The aparents had so much more then I did a home I rented still do had each other,Its weird how things work I wish amom would come down off her throne so we could help"E" instead of her being so xtremly rude I thought and still do think if amom would wake up, her and I could do some good . I just want "E" to be ok, I want her life to be good. I thought all involved would want that as well.
I'm really confused. Your situation seems completely different from your profile from when you joined in 2004 looking for your brother. I didn't realize you were also a bmom too. Seems like you and your mom have that in common?
Maybe your bdaughter isn't all the things you think and it's just what she's put in her profile on the website? One never knows...
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crick
I'm really confused. Your situation seems completely different from your profile from when you joined in 2004 looking for your brother. I didn't realize you were also a bmom too. Seems like you and your mom have that in common?
Maybe your bdaughter isn't all the things you think and it's just what she's put in her profile on the website? One never knows...
Chris,
I know this is going to sound harsh and that it's difficult to hear, but I really think you need to hold off until your daughter is of legal age. Right now, she's still considered a juvenile, and her aparents have the ultimate say about who she associates with or even has contact with. I really think you need their consent to interact with your daughter before she turns 18 years old.
As far as your daughter's behavior problems and multiple pregnancies, did you find this out from her Facebook page? If so, you should take it with a grain of salt. Many teenagers paint themselves as delinquent troublemakers on social-media websites. When my nephew created a MySpace page when he was 15 or 16, he had me worried half to death. From the way he portrayed himself, it sounded like he was a gang banger, a drug addict, and an all-around thug. He was none of those things...he was just a teenage boy trying to impress his peers.
IF her parents truly are fed up and want your assistance, then go for it. My son's parents brought me back into his life when he was an adolescent and asked for my help in dealing with his atrocious behavior problems. They were at their wits' end, though, and I think I was their last resort. But that doesn't sound like what's going on in your situation, not if you're describing an amom who resents you and is rude to you. My son's mom had a few jealousy issues with me in the very beginning, but she was never rude or disrespectful to me. It wouldn't have made any sense for her to ask for my help and then turn around and trash me, kwim?
RavenSong
Crick, I think it's actually quite common for a birth/first mother to also be a birth family member. Relinquishment and adoption often have a generational aspect, something that many of us bmoms discuss off the site from time to time. It's not surprising to me when I hear of women who've placed babies for adoption having mothers who also relinquished when they were young. I also think many members here don't put down all their connections to the triad within their profiles. For example, I am a former foster parent, as well as a former foster child, and yet I've never selected those options on my profile. I don't know if this is the case or not in this particular situation.
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Well as I write this it has been xactly 3 months since my daughter That I had placed for adoption called me , I was in the shower and while I was drying off I noticed I had missed a call, I thought the number was my daughter it was so similar ,When I was done getting dressed I called xpecting to hear my daughter on the other end of the line , well at first I thought o great horrible connection I could only hear my own voice ... or so I thought .. what I was really hearing was the sound of my biological child for the first times voice , I was blown away by how much she sounded like me, I could hardly breath or swallow ,or stand I was not xpecting this and NOT ON E BIT PREPARED, She said hi this is Emily and I said as in I repeated her last name I jus knew and she replied yes . I again was in shock much more then I ever expected, she was having a rough time with her adoptive parents and always had we talked non stop just like people who had a million things to say , and a million things to know, I had a million questions which reminded me I am sure she will to I never cared what they would be because I wasnt affraid of what she would ask me I new what I did was the only thing I could do at that time I wanted a better life for all involved , we finally agreed to meet at a park I was with my 2 younger sons we were going to meet at the park near her house I was soo nervous a nervous I have never felt before , I went to the park cell phone in hand keeping my oldest daughter up to speed and she was keepong my sanity from escaping, I waited one hour she never showed I really had know way to contact her so I jus went home incredibly disappointed . I had no idea I would feel so dissapointed I figured she changed her mind, so I jus waited an there it was again her calling me and she said she got grounded and couldnt leave ,, the greatest news ever she still did want to meet me... I was so relived , so we again talked about another meeting in the park and this time she showed and we are twins well when I was her age .she has my everything and I cannot belive our releationship is ... i have to go babys crying
fellunii
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Well as I write this it has been xactly 3 months since my daughter That I had placed for adoption called me , I was in the shower and while I was drying off I noticed I had missed a call, I thought the number was my daughter it was so similar ,When I was done getting dressed I called xpecting to hear my daughter on the other end of the line , well at first I thought o great horrible connection I could only hear my own voice ... or so I thought .. what I was really hearing was the sound of my biological child for the first times voice , I was blown away by how much she sounded like me, I could hardly breath or swallow ,or stand I was not xpecting this and NOT ON E BIT PREPARED, She said hi this is Emily and I said as in I repeated her last name I jus knew and she replied yes . I again was in shock much more then I ever expected, she was having a rough time with her adoptive parents and always had we talked non stop just like people who had a million things to say , and a million things to know, I had a million questions which reminded me I am sure she will to I never cared what they would be because I wasnt affraid of what she would ask me I new what I did was the only thing I could do at that time I wanted a better life for all involved , we finally agreed to meet at a park I was with my 2 younger sons we were going to meet at the park near her house I was soo nervous a nervous I have never felt before , I went to the park cell phone in hand keeping my oldest daughter up to speed and she was keepong my sanity from escaping, I waited one hour she never showed I really had know way to contact her so I jus went home incredibly disappointed . I had no idea I would feel so dissapointed I figured she changed her mind, so I jus waited an there it was again her calling me and she said she got grounded and couldnt leave ,, the greatest news ever she still did want to meet me... I was so relived , so we again talked about another meeting in the park and this time she showed and we are twins well when I was her age .she has my everything and I cannot belive our releationship is ... i have to go babys crying
[QUOTE=fellunii]Ok so I had spoke earlier about some pretty upsetting issues I came across, I thought her life was fullfilling all the reasons I chose adoption,as you can read from previous posts it was anything but.Emily admits she contacted me at first out of pure anger more then wanting to meet me at first,we both seemed extremly excited to get a chance to meet each other,I asked her if her adoptive mom was ok with this and her reply was "when I asked her for your number it nearly killed her".I was like very dissapointed,the reaction is natural but lets move on there is a
child ,a young adult coming into her own who deservers the chance to know where she came from,without feeling guilty.I guess Emily will go on this journey without her adoptive mom,and that has been her choice.The next time We spoke on the phone she and I talked about everything it felt so good,I was so excited when we spoke I cant even rember what we talked about .I had to stop myself and remember the date we first met,it was my moms birthday so that made it a lot easier.We met by the park which ironicly enough is were I grew up well the neighborhood that park I remember falling into the duck swamp almost drowning,taking the paddle boats out an cruising around in the water,the animal hospital where I took my cat creeper to be put to sleep,and across the street where my mom an I lived a poor exsistance,being here
brought back so many memories and to be honest none of them
Good. Emily just happened to be growing up around the corner.I found out long ago she went to all the same schools as me
I was in such an I cant believe she lives here goes to school there,we have always been so close from a distance.She never
knew I always did know. So on Feb 9 2012 we met at cortez park I could see walking up to me an my two little boys. We didnt cry it wasnt like that,it was so sureal and omg I cant begin to describe thefeeling of completeness that surrounded me that very moment I could feel the hole in my heart finally closing I was healing yet I never really felt like this issue was a big problem in my life noone made me choose adoption I did it all by myself.I am a good mother an my oldest is in the military she is stationed in fort leavenworth an I hate the feeling of my kids being here n there I feel so unorganized,as weird as that sounds. Anyways back to the park.I gave her a huge hug An I remeber feeling like the best I have felt in so long Emily commented on how much my yougest son looks like her an with out a doubt he does .when we first started talking she asked me if I had any pics of her i took pics with my cell n sent them to her along with pics of her two baby brothers an her older sister and her neice. I realized at that moment look at all my beautiful children omg i was giddy . So while we were at the park taking this all in When I went to drop her at home before she left me she said somthing profound she said I feel so complete now ,i no longer have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Exactly what i was feeling from the start .i am writting this from my nook my 3 yr old monopolizes my computer somthin fierce I have skipped some parts i intend to add but my fingers get sore from typing on this keyboard i want to just sit an write anwrite with nointeruptions but never gonna happen .I have togo for no Emily is texting me :flowergift: :cloud9:
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