Advertisements
Hi.
Im a birthmother who had to give up my daughter about 30 years ago. It was the worst experience I had to go through and IԴm hoping something positive can come out of that ordeal. I hope to connect with her in some way.
I know where she is, so I dont have to search for her. She knows who I am. I did send her a letter almost twelve years ago and received no answer. I did not pressure her for a union, but told her I would always be there for her.
Her adoptive mother was in an influental position at the time and used that position to make my parents force me to give my daughter up. She told me not to contact her and said she would do everything in her power to keep us a part. I didnԴt know the birth father and was very confused at the time. I was very young as well.
When I got married, my husband contacted the adoptive mother and asked how my daughter was doing and if we could have a photo of her. That was denied. It left me really shattered.
The contact with the adoptive mother scarred me, but I need to get past that now. I would like to send another letter and Im wondering how to proceed. Should I use a go-between, like a priest or someone from family support, or should I just send the letter. I hesitate, because I know the adoptive mother has a strong hold on her.
IԴm hoping for some feedback or support. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Best,
Jade31
Like
Share
I am a bmom in reunion. My DD is 25. We reunited 3 years ago. I stressed about this as well and finally decided to send it directly to her. It worked out for me. I sent a brief letter and a few pictures of me as an adult and of her and I in the hospital. The reunion has been slow but very good. We are developing a good relationship. Your DD is an adult and should be able to make her own decision at this point. She may very welll want to meet you. I would be prepared though for a difficult ride on the roller coaster if her mother's personality is as strong as you say it is. Good luck in your journey. One thing I would do differently is to send the letter certified so that I am sure that she got it. She did have someone email me to let me know she recieved it and that she needed time to process it all. It took her about a month to write me back. It can be stressful.
Advertisements
Hi sstuart.
Thanks for your reply.
Congratulation on being in reunion. That is a big step that Im hoping to reach sooner rather than later.
Although I know IԴm going to send her the letter, I tend to put it on hold. I have such a paralyzing self-esteem issues I cannot think of sending her a registred mail. The last time I went through family support in my country and a go-between handed her the letter. I think that would be my option.
I dont even know what to put in the letter. I thought about sending photos of me and my family, but she already knows how I look like so thatԴs not a lot. I might send her the obituary on her grandfather, my father who passed away three years ago. I have seen a few photos of her from Facebook.
Any thoughts, any input on what to put in the letter would be greatly appreciated. Im still so sensitive about this that after many years of therapy, itԴs still an open wound and maybe Im not strong enough to do this.
Hi there. I am so sorry to hear about how painful this is. I'm an adoptee and a birthmom and I know there is pain on both sides, and often denial on both sides. I would suggest that, if it's been 12 years, it wouldn't be too much to reach out to her again. In the letter, I would offer her something of who you are, because some part of her wonders (I just mean honestly expressing yourself, your feelings, your experience). I would also suggest thinking of yourself as a parent. You are there because you love her enough to want to reach out to her, to find out if she needs you, to ask whether she is okay. You can tell her you miss her and love her and wish her the very best. Who knows what her experience has been like, what her adoptive mother told her. But your letter is coming from you, and you can offer her this small gift of making an effort to show you care and to share a little note with her. It's hard to say whether she will respond, and I know that can be heart-wrenching. But in my opinion, it's still worth it. At least you'll know you were strong enough to do what you could. As a birthmom, sometimes I feel it's too little, too late, but it's all we have. Best wishes.
Hi Ghostgirl,Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. When I read your post, I decided to go forward. Its been 12 years and I can at least tell her how much I miss her, tell her a little something about her family. In order to not overwhelm her, I will send a short letter hoping to get some answer in a small way. If not, itԴs her choice.There is something pressing on my mind all the time. I did not want to give her up, but my mother, her grandmother insisted. I also have a niece Ive fostered since the age of three and a nephew I fostered from the age of 11 months. My niece is like my daughter, but although I was offered to adopt her, I couldnԴt do that to her mother. I wanted her to have a bond with her mother that was denied me.How can I tell my daughter her grandmother didnt want her, although she regretted that decision all her life? How can I tell my foster daughter/niece she has a 30 year old close cousin?Thank you so much again, I was touched by your reply and will start rewriting the letter to my daughter soon. I wish you all the best.Jade
How can I tell my daughter her grandmother didnt want her, although she regretted that decision all her life?
Advertisements