Heartbroken..

hbxox - hang in there. For both you and your daughter. Yes it is tough, the pain comes and goes. Mine turned into a dull ache through the years. But you still function. Many times you function well. Then you start to live your life so that someday you can make your daughter proud to call you her birth mother. You have to believe. From reading these boards you should be able to see the pulse of the future. Searches are happening more frequently. Reunions are happening with greater frequency. So there is that hope that someday you will hold your daughter again. You must live for both of you now. You have to remain strong and continue on. At the moment, you did what you believed to be the best thing for your daughter. Now you have to continue that by remaining strong. Hope this helps. But yes, in answer to your question, the pain subsides. Did your open adoption remain open? Are you able to still have contact with your daughter.

I'm so sorry, sweetie. I know the pain very well. It does become a dull ache after a while, and like most grief, you'll find the days that don't hurt start getting more frequent until you aren't hurting all the time.Yours is an open adoption. I hope that this will make things easier for you, as you'll be able to be in contact with the family, and perhaps see her? I gave my son up decades ago, and we are now in reunion. Yes, this is absolutely something to look forward to, as many of us have achieved this. With your open adoption, you will have the hope of a relationship later on with her. Sorry I don't have any more concrete advice, but know that I'm thinking about you.. and know how you're feeling. Do seek some counseling if possible, to help you through the grief. (I DO wish that counseling would be mandatory before any adoption, or post-adoption if needed.)

It is so very hard to be separated from our children, and even if we thought it was for the best, it still doesn't make that loss any easier. Of course you will think about your daughter all the time. Are you getting visits or updates? I had a semi-OA where I got pictures and updates of my son indirectly through the agency. That did help me, as I was able to see what he looked like and hear how he was doing over the years, but I did not know his identity. We are now reunited and I met him in the spring. It doesn't take away from all those years lost and the pain of separation, but it is so much better than not being in direct contact with him. Are you getting counseling at all? Or is there a birthmom support group in your area? Counseling helped me a lot, especially in the early years and then again as I was contemplating reunion. I also knew a few women IRL who also relinquished children to adoption, so we were able to support one another. For me, the hardest years were the first few years after I had my son (that first year was the worst) and then again, when he became an adult. I found the sense of grief and loss intensified when I hit midlife and he hit 21. It was as though I couldn't take being separated anymore. Since we've been in direct contact, and especially since we reunited, a lot of those feelings have subsided, but there is still that loss that will always be there. I think you just learn to live with it as best as you can. Try to stay strong. This is not easy, by any means, but it helps to talk to others who have experienced the loss of a child to adoption.

((hugs)) How open is your adoption? Can you ask for a visit? Maybe that would help? I have a pretty OA with my sons bmom and I know a lot of times when sheҒs really hurting well plan a visit, or she will ask for a quick picture etc. I still mail pics every months, but sometimes a new pic that she can see right away helps a little. Did you go through an agency? Can you check in with them and get counseled. We adopted our son about 1 ҽ years ago and the SW still checks in with bmom, and bmom will call or text her is shes struggling etc. Do you know of any support groups? IҒm sorry you are hurting so much. :(

I am sorry to say that for me it has never gone away. I sit here tonight my daughters birthday is after christmas. I find time alone to cry every year about this time. On the brite side I do still have some very small contact with her. But no I dont think it ever goes away but it does dull with time.

There are some days where all I can do is think about the daughter that should be with me. I have a realy hard time around Christmas. I have very minimal contact with her today but I hope someday she will seek a realtionship with me. To answer the question no. There seems to be in my heart a great hole. I wait for the day where I can hold my daughter in my arms again. On the flip side of the coin I know that she has a life I could not provide for her. A private education and brite as the sun. Her future is much better so I hold my tears in front of her and shed them here on my table. The hard part for me is no one close to me understands. The response was that it was my choice. At the time I gave her up I was on orders to leave the country and felt thayou find a single mom in the military was not an option, not to mention if I got out how in the world would I support her? The solution was clear in that moment just as it is now. I did what mothers do? I did the best by her that I could. It gets easyer in some ways and harder in others. Your doing a good thing by being on here to get support. I hope that you find healing I hope that your support system is not callouse. The pain will soften and hopefully someday go away. Tears are like rain they wash the dirt away. :loveyou:

It's always hard for me to answer these kinds of questions, because DS wasn't the only loss I suffered at the time. I almost had to focus on each traumatic event and loss in my life and deal with them individually. It took me about 7 years to get past the depression (although I had multiple losses to work through). It took me about 12 years to even begin to understand the impact the adoption had on me. I'm still working through it and sites like this have helped.For me, I think the pain appeared to go away, but it all came back when DS turned 18. MOST of the problems that I had dealing with it were simply because I avoided dealing with it. I really immersed myself in other things. I do know that I've never stopped thinking about him and his afamily. They have always been on my mind, though not always at the forefront.However, after DS I went on to college and to have a relatively good life. I never forgot him, but I never let it rule my life.I can't really tell you how you should feel or how to cope. I will say that talking about it on this site will help. Please don't be afraid to be happy in life. I think some bmoms feel guilty for being happy or having fun. Just try not to let the grief overpower you and rule your life, but address it and express your feelings whenever you need to. I hope you feel a little better soon. I'll be thinking about you and sending happy thoughts your way.

The pain has never gone away and I expect to live with it till the day I die. My son searched for me just for medical information but claimed he wanted more. I believed him at first but every time I gave him information he would accuse me of being a useless waste of space and would stop contact. Over the past few years any information I feel he should have I have sent to his adoptive parents as I can't bear his nastiness any more. So for me I felt that I lost my son twice. You will learn to cope though.