Question to bmoms

This is something I think a lot about. Should I ever have another child would I want them to know about the child I placed. The end yes I will but the part of me not wanting to tell them is not because I love my little guy any less but rather I wouldn't want the other children to feel ashamed of me the way I feel ashamed of myself. Also it's something that I don't want them to have a longing for a relationship with a brother they may never get to meet. These are all things that I will have to navigate when the time comes but for now it's not that I am not proud of my little man. I really really am, but I don't always want others to know because I don't want them to look at me as the loser I see myself as. With your birth mother it could be many things and I think the best way to handle it is to try to be open and understanding while explaining that it hurts you and why it hurts you. I can't guarantee you will get the answer you are looking for or even find peace in that but you will know you at least expressed how you feel about the situation.

I think telling your husband, who is an adult that you are intimate with, and telling your child, are two very different situations. I am not in that situation, because I never had other children besides the one I placed. If I had, ideally, I would have wanted to tell my child/ren, but then the question becomes, when do you tell them? Also, with a young child, you may be concerned that if you tell them they have a sibling you "gave up," will they fear you will give them up, too. Then if you don't tell them from the start, when do you tell them? Do you wait until they are old enough to better understand? By that time, you've left it so long and it's very hard to just say "oh, by the way, I had a baby I placed for adoption." It's so hard to articulate the feelings that make it very hard to "come out" with this. For instance, my friend, also a first mom, has told her husband but not her mother in law or her kids, now teens. When you are pushed into a closet and it's considered a shameful, unnatural thing to relinquish a child, it is not easy to talk about, even if you want to. Some people you trust more than others, or know how to come out with it easier than with others. When I had my son, I wanted everyone to know, but after the third or fourth upbraiding I got (people were most often very harsh and judgemental), I learned to keep it to myself and only tell those I knew I could trust. So my close friends know about my son, but I have not yet told my family I have reunited with my son and I'm not "out" about my son at work, with the exception of one good friend there. Maybe for your firstmom, it's too painful to tell your half brother because it was very painful to tell her ex husband and husband. I didn't tell my ex until 5 years into our marriage. It is very hard to just bring up and if you don't mention it right away, and so much time goes by, it makes it harder to bring up later. It's much more complicated than just "oh, she told her husbands, she should be able to tell my brother." I wish I could better explain it. Having said that, if I got into another serious relationship, I would tell the person sooner rather than later. I think waiting as long as I did with my ex was not good in the long run, but I was really afraid I'd be judged so harshly as I had been in the past.

Actually you explained it very well. That all makes better sense for me. I appreciate it.. :thanks:

Im sorry I disagree with not telling him..you are very important. I am a birth mom..I have very strong feelings on what you posted. Hope your doing well.

:o Im sorry, I agree with you. You are very important, and Should be worried about this secret. Why what was her motive? Sad.

As a bsister and bmother, I have to say that she should tell him when he is old enough. My mother had a son she gave up and she only told my sister and me when I was pregnant with DS. She told us never to tell our brother because she was afraid he would think "she never loved her sons as much as her daughters". Personally, I always thought that was a lame excuse. I think she knew if we told our brother, he would want to find him. So, after mom passed away we told our brother. He was pretty ticked off that he didn't know about it sooner. He never thought mom didn't love her sons, he just wants to know who his brother is. Family secrets are MESSED UP, because they inevitably come to the surface. I don't know why my mom thought she was protecting my brother when she was only protecting herself. I am a bmom and if I ever have more children, I will make sure they know who and where DS is when they are old enough, because I think they have the right to know. That is just my perspective based on my experiences.

I'm a BM who had another child a few years after giving up my first child. I have told my husband but have not yet told my son who is 16. Telling your husband and telling your children are two different things. I know that your BM's decision to not tell your half brother about you hurts, but please try to place yourself in her shoes. Giving a child up for adoption is never easy, and many women grieve the adoption alone as it is not something openly discussed in our society. Sad, but true. She probably told her husband because she needed someone to share her feelings with and also so that he's aware should you reunite (as it sounds like you have). If your half brother is still young it might be best for her to wait. Sometimes children aren't emotionally mature enough to understand. I'm sorry for your pain. Give your BM some time, perhaps she can tell him in her own way in time.

I can answer this! How do you tell a child you gave your other child up? When they're young they might feel that if you're angry with them you might do the same. Plus, they might long for a person you can't "get" for them. I told my son, but not until he was 20. Also, how much credibility does a parent have advising against careless behavior if all this is known? Believe me, it hurts NOT to tell, but later seems more sensible. It hurt me to think they'd never know one another. They have met, now, which makes me glad.

I was very open about giving my daughter up for adoption and my ex used it as leverage with our daughter (my 2nd born) telling her that if she didn't behave then "mom will throw you away like she did with Marci"! It has caused us to have a very strained relationship and she's only 15. She resented me for not allowing her the chance to know her sister before I gave her up. It's definitely a difficult choice and there are consequences no matter which one is chosen.I am so sorry that her decision hurt you, just as I am sorry that my decision hurt my daughter.

Well, I've got perspective from both sides. I'm an adoptee and a bmom. I recently reunited with my bmom, and she did not tell her two children until after I contacted her the first time. Her whole family knew, as well as her husband's family, but she did not want to tell her children for fear that they'd be heartbroken if I never contacted her, and for fear that they'd seek me out even if I didn't desire contact. They know about me now, and although we haven't met, I've been told they're really excited. As a bmom, I did have another child after I relinquished my first when I was 17... but my 2nd child is only 4, so I haven't told him yet. I think I'll probably discuss this with my bmom first, since she's got perspective, but I don't see myself keeping it a secret from him.