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I adopted N from foster care recently. He is 2 and has a full bio sister that is 3 and lives with their paternal grandma. Grandma pursued custody of N but the homestudy was denied. We have been having visits every 6 weeks or so. We didn't mediate an adoption but are open to N knowing his bio family. He has been with us since he was 4 months old but did reunify with his dad for 10 days(when he was 8 months old). Bio dad realized he couldnt take care of N and he came back to us. The 2 kids did live together during this time. I need some opinions. Bio Gram really pushes the sibling bond and wants to have weekly visits. We live 2 hours away and that just isn't possible. SHe seems to emotionally manipulate the sister...dresses her in "big Sister" t-shirts on visits and tells me how much the little girl misses her brother. I feel as though she is making a difficult situation worse for the little girl. I want the siblings to know each other but let's face it they will never have a normal brother/sister relationship and I don't think it's fair of the grandmother to keep the relationship so front and center. I talk to him about his sister and I have pictures in the house but honestly he has no real interest in her. I know this will change when they get older and I hope they can find some comfort in their relationship but how do I handle the bio gram and subtly tell her she is actually making things worse for the sister...or is she????? I guess I also feel as though she is manipulating me with her comments. Any ideas??? K
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My daughter's biosib is here with us every other weekend and I will tell you that she LOVES her little sister, KNOWS its her little sister and treasures her time with her even though its only 6 days a month. We have chosen to be very open with her and pursue as much of a relationship as possible, because though its not 'big deal' right now... how can we predict how much they will want each other around as teens, young adults and adults? So we want that relationship as strong as possible under the circumstances.It may well be a VERY big deal to your son's big sister. The grandmother may be trying very hard to make sure sister understands that though little brother doesn't live with her he is very much her brother. From where I'm sitting, grandma's motives could be very pure.Just my opinion.All that said, yes, its possible that grandma is trying to somehow manipulate the situation. But from where I'm sitting, in a rather similiar situation... trying to foster as much of a sibling bond as I can without having the two girls in the same house... I completely see grandmas side of things. And I don't think its hurting anyone.Now, if you just don't WANT the visits at that frequency, I think that is absolutely your choice as an adoptive parent. But I would look very closely first at your son and how he reacts. If his reaction to visits is either positive or neutral I would not change anything right now. If the visits are HARD on him... then yeah, get out your mommy gloves and do what needs to be done to protect your son.
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Thank you for the response. My son really doesn't care about the visits at this point...they are just people he sees every now and again. Bio gram has been very manipulative in other situations so I err on the side of caution with her. I think the situation you have sounds wonderful and I hope I can be that supportive for him. K
Seeing his sister every 6 weeks or so should be fine to keep a bond. My 4 yr old has a brother who is 1. We see him about every 3 months. Do what is comfortable for you and your family in terms of how often you visit. You can't control her or her actions, only yours. If she continues to push for more visits, just tell her it's not feasible or possible at this time. Maybe in the future, but not now. There are other ways to keep the bond including exchanging pictures and taking the kids to activities together so they link the experience with the sibling.
I have had my girls since they were 18 months old. They are now 5. They have an older sister who just turned 7 and a younger set of siblings who will turn 3 in November. I make every effort to make sure all the siblings stay in contact and see each other at least 2 times a year. The 7 yr old is in a group home waiting for a forever family and the twins are placed with legal guardians who are in the process of adopting.
Even though the older sister and my girls have lived in the same home at one point in there lives the 3 year old twins have never lived with the older siblings. I don't have to keep contact between the siblings I choose to because no matter what I believe these children have the right to know & see their siblings. We maintain contact thru face-book, phone calls and letters. We also invite them to big events like birthday parties, preschool graduation etc.
I grew up not knowing I had siblings until I was 16. I really have issues with their mom choosing to say that I did not exsist, or was their sister because she didn't think we would have a bond. Needless to say we all have a great bond after my younger sister decided at the age of 12 to look for all her siblings. Her mom was hurt and still doesn't acknowledge us as her daughters siblings, but for the last 22 years I have enjoyed my time with my brothers and sisters. In 2010 we found another brother who was also told he had no siblings.
I live 2 hours away from BD's brother. we did the "every other week" initially, but its simply not practical for a long term solution. You end up putting your life on hold
While its nice for the kids to spend loads of time together, when weighed against what they miss out on, its not a good idea, imo.
Our kids are older (7 and 10). We see him every couple of months.
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Do you drive there, does she drive to you, do you meet halfway, or switch around? A friend has a 5 year old with 2 older half-siblings who live with their mother, it's about a 2 1/2 hour round trip drive, every other weekend. The little boy loves his brother and sister, looks forward so much to seeing them, and cries after they go home. If he hadn't seen them regularly, he wouldn't have bonded to them- so he wouldn't love them, wouldn't miss them, wouldn't cry after visits. That situation is due to divorce not TPR/adoption, but is there much of a difference from a small child's perspective? Oh, and sometimes the mom & dad let the little boy stay overnight with the older siblings at the dad's ex-wife's home. Anything is possible if people work together.
We always switch around with the visits. My son doesn't do well with the long drive so that is one of the reasons we don't drive there often. ALso, there is a very good reason why I won't allow overnight visits as their house...NEVER...the homestudy was denied for a reason and it is a very valid reason. I would have his sister stay over with me but I know at some point I am going to have to deny overnights w