Advertisements
My story is like so many others'. I gave my son up when I was 18, it's a partially open adoption. The aparents sent me letters w/ pictures through out the years, always upon my request.
About 3 or 4 years ago (when my son was around 16) I sent his aparents a letter requesting photos (same as I had always done every few years). This time however, I included a letter to my son.
I informed his aparents what the letter was and they could choose (of course) when and if to give it to him. I assumed it would be more a "when" and not "if" situation. But they wrote me back that they chose not to give him the letter because he had no desire to know his birth parents. The reason being, he had a friend whose mother was adopted and took it upon herself to tell my son that she met her birth parents and was extremely disappointed, and advised him not to go down that road.
I respected and understood the aparents' decision not to give my son the letter and appreciated that they look out for his best interests and protect him. That's not to say that I wasn't extremely heartbroken, and angry at his friends mom for giving what I believe to be poor advice! But none the less I understood.
I also understood that my son was young and maybe in time he would change his mind. Which leads me to the dilemma I am in now.
I have prepared another letter for him, nothing pushy or emotional. Just an opening letter stating that if he would ever like to know more about me I am available. I included that he has two sisters who know about him. I also said that I don't expect anything from him, but I had been dreaming of the day I might be able to meet him, speak to him (maybe I should leave that part out?).
I believe I said everything in a very eloquent and non threatening manner...
Basically I need someone to tell me if I am overstepping my bounds, knowing what his frame of mind was almost 4 years ago? Also, I planned on sending this message through facebook, since I found he has an account. He will be 20 in Feb.
Any advice will be soooo wonderful!
Thanks!
Amber
Like
Share
Since your son was given bad advice a few years ago, yeah, I do believe that reunion is gonna be in your ballpark. You are going to be the one to take initiative and show that not all reunions end in disappointment. One of the things I want to warn you about, is he is 19 or 20? Remember what you were doing at 19 or 20 (Ok, we were grieving the loss of our babies) but what MOST 19 or 20 year olds are doing. Family just is not at the top of the list there. And boys do take a wee bit longer to come around. Do not fall into that trap that boys don't want to reunite like girls do. My son is the one that found me. I was patient. I did not want to bother him when he was 18 since I figured he was being an 18 year old. And then on to college I figured. So it was a few years after college that he decided to put in motion something that he knew he always wanted to do, and that was to meet me. But I do believe that my patience paid off. He was ready for a relationship with me. If you are going to message your son on FB, you could just send something very short. Something along the lines of, "I understand that FB may not be the ideal venue for this type of conversation, but I wanted to "introduce" myself and let you know that I am available. I also understand that you may not be at a point in your life where you are ready to begin a relationship with me, but I wanted to let you know that I am here. And then perhaps put to rest some of the false information he was given regarding reunions. Just my two cents, hope it helps.
Advertisements
Thank you for your input and advice. I have definitely given thought to his age. I do remember what it was like to be 18, 19 and family was not the priority. I guess I am just getting impatient. I want so badly to have contact with him. I believe you are right however. I should save my letter, wait a few more years and see if he doesn't reach out to me first. Like you said though, it might have to be me doing the reaching. :) In any case, your feedback is greatly appreciated and gives me more to think about! Thank you!
I would reach out and let him know you are available when and if he would like to be in touch. Your son may feel differently now, but you also have no idea if what the aparents told you was true in the first place. I'm not saying you should automatically assume they lied, but you simply don't know. Even if he still feels that way, I think sending a non-threatening, easygoing note would be fine. I have a son I recently reunited with. He is older, but we have had a very good and positive experience so far. I would just go into it without having any expectations. He may still not be ready or not have an interest in reuniting. Personally, I think his aparents should have given him your letter and not held it back from him. He should have known about that letter and then decided what he wanted to do accordingly.
Thank you justpeachy for your feedback. I want nothing more than to contact him, but I also want to make sure I am absolutely doing the right thing. I don't want to act selfishly. I have a lot to consider and think about before I make a decision. Your input, as well as identicaltwins has given me a lot of food for thought! :)
"I should save my letter, wait a few more years and see if he doesn't reach out to me first."
I don't think I necessarily agree. If you read any of my other posts I usually come off as someone who sounds very "full speed ahead" with reunion questions. But in your case, given that your son's view of reunion was tainted I would question how long is a "few more years." Two? Five? If he doesn't seek you out by then, then what? The point being that if he has this view of reunion now, and that truly is his viewpoint and not just what you're being told, I don't know what would suddenly cause him to reverse course and seek you out. I think it will be up to you to instigate contact.
Also, Facebook is by no means the medium of choice to have this type of communication, so I would agree with Identical and keep it somewhat light. The good news about FB is that it does seem to be the communication media of choice for his age group...I have a 21 and a 26 year old and it amazes me what gets out there.
As an adoptee, I also believe his a-parents did him a disservice by withholding the letter from him. I would have given my eye teeth to receive a letter of some sort from my b-mom back in the day even if I wasn't actively thinking of reunion then. Their decision seems very self-serving to me, but I guess everyone has their reasons.
You also said that you want to make sure you're absolutely doing the right thing, and that you don't want to act selfishly. I suggest to you that your approach and attitude demonstrate that you are being very unselfish, and I think you deserve huge kudos for showing the concern and restraint you have. As for making sure you're absolutely doing the right thing, I don't know many things in this world that are absolutely guaranteed to be the "right thing." Follow your heart and I think you'll be fine.
Hang in there!
Best, PADJ
Advertisements
There is nothing at all selfish about a natural mother wanting and needing to reach out to her child. As long as you are respectful, and mindful of your son's boundaries, you will be acting with integrity. If you reach out now, at least he will know your intentions and even if he is still not desiring contact, he will have your info in case he changes his mind in the future. I would include an updated medical history for him as well. If there was a way to do so without making his aparents look like "bad guys" for withholding it, I would consider sending along a copy of the original letter I wrote to him, or at least letting him know in some way that I tried to reach out previously.
I am on the same page, for the most part, with the other posts here, with one exception. I would not use Facebook to contact him. That is where he touches base with friends and family, and for him to know you can see him and contact him there is, I believe, an invasion of his privacy considering you have not met him yet. I was reunited with my daughter a year and a half ago and things have gone well...an important part of that has involved boundary-setting. I have let her set boundaries according to her comfort level (if it were up to me, I'd be there all the time, NO boundaries!) and respected them. It would be better to have a neutral third party (e.g. a friend or sibling of yours) phone or send a letter on your behalf--directly to him, not through his parents. He is an adult now.
I first contacted my daughter through a mediator and she was not ready at that point. As painful as it was, I waited, and 4 years later when I found out my mom was dying I reached out again. She was ready then and understood my need to have her meet my mom, and things have been going very well ever since.
So take a deep breath, know you have waited this long but it may be a little longer, and reach out to him within reasonable boundaries while respecting his privacy. Good luck!
Patty