Adoptive mum's feelings changed towards me when she had her own children

Welcome Tonya, Are you allowing thoughts of your mother to stop you from loving your life? If yes, can you come up with a reason why are you giving away your power? Is she physically or just mentally in your life? I need to mull a bit. Kind regards,Dickons

Tonya-I am in the same place you are, in a sense. I was adopted when i was 2 1/2. When i was 7 my parents adopted a little boy from Guatemala. Growing up with my little brother was really hard. I was pushed aside and my brother got everything he wanted and i just got in trouble or ignored. Now 21, my parents wont even speak to me. For the past 3 years every time i go to visit everything is wonderful them my amom causes a huge scene and treats me like trash and kicks me out of her house. The most recent my husband and son and i were visiting and we got kicked out and had to stay in a hotel and cut our visit with my family and his short by 3 days. But then a month later she will call and demand reasons as to why we are not close. Nothing i ever do is good enough for her, so as a result, i have stopped trying. My dad and i were always super close, until i asked him how he can keep supporting her and let her get away with her abuse and controlling behavior towards me rather than show her what she has done. He got furious and has stopped talking to me since. They expect us to apologize for for being rude to them when they gave us the comfort of their home on our visits, but how can they expect us to say sorry when they have done this to us for years now and have never batted an eyelash towards an apology?I think you should, or rather what im doing to cope, is i just dont think about them. I love them just the same i think. But they have completely destroyed our relationship. Maybe someday we can try again, like maybe someday you can too. Its all a decision of the heart. It has also helped me immensely that i have come in contact with my biological family on both sides again. I dont tell them the details, but it feels good to have two parents who were stolen of the right to raise me themselves no matter how they tried and fought (I got caught in the foster system while they got finances together to care for me and my severe birth complications and medical needs which i no longer have). I know they love me and always did, and i accept that and love them in return despite how long we have been apart. but its the fact that i have someone to lean on and talk to, my husband, mom and dad, even if my adoptive parents wont talk to me. I think, if you have enough people to talk to, you will find its not the end of the world. Perhaps, find a counselor you can talk to, and maybe see if together you can write a letter to your parents about how you feel and why you feel this way. Just go one step and one day at a time. :)

Hi MzzD,Thanks for replying, really appreciate your kind words!!I have been with my husband now since the end of 1999 and he says that my a-mother always talks down to me and after all these years of being put down and spoken down to has really damaged my self confidence and self esteem. I am 34 now and I find myself questioning everything I do and life just sucks at the moment. I will see if I can write a letter with my counselor and see if that will make any difference. Thanks again for replying x x x

MzzD, In my fuzzy state at the moment I completely over looked your situation, as I read your story, my heart just sank and could really relate to it and I am here if you would like to talk any more. It sounds like you have a great support network and a family that loves you for who you are!! Tonya x

I agree i have some of the lowest self esteem and self confidence of anyone I know. I have a lot of trust issues. And, i hate it so much, but i have lying issues too. I have gotten a lot better over time. But i became accustomed to having to lie to my parents about what was really going on because my mother always took things the wrong way. I realized how bad it was when i hurt my husband with a stupid senseless lie. I myself have no insurance now and cant afford to go to counseling, but if i could i would. I think if you can write a letter, no matter the length, and just explain whats going on, what makes you feel this way, and what you want to change or see change. It may or may not help. Unfortunately, not every adoption story has a fairy tail ending, but neither do others who were not adopted. I do not believe in "the perfect world", be it because im jaded or because i see things for the way they really are, i dont know. But i DO know that as long as i be the best I can be, and not let others hurt me or push me around like i let my mother for so many years, I feel i can make my life one step closer to "the perfect life." Its not a matter of, "can I do it?" its a matter of, "i am strong enough to push for it." As a mother of a 2 1/2 year old, i dont have the choice or opportunity to NOT work hard at the things i do. I really hope that something good will come out of this for you. I know its hurtful, but remember, at the end of the day there is always at least one person in this world who loves you more than anything. And THAT matters a lot.

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Hello Tonya16. I'm so sorry for how your aparents have treated you. It is heartbreaking and the worst nightmare for first parents. I'm no therapist but have a look at this website. I have a feeling its going to ring true for you. [url=http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/]Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers[/url] Always know it is not your fault! You deserve love and respect.

Wow, thanks so much for sharing this website's URL with us. I just surfed over there, and I can tell that I'll be spending hours on the site later tonight. It looks like a really good resource for the adult daughters of mothers with NPD.