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:confused: My 14 year old ado son asked his teacher to call me . She said that he wanted her to tell me that he was embarrassed that he had a white mom and that kids were making fun of him. he said he did not know how to tell me without hurting my feelings. I sat down with him tonight to say ask what was going on with Mrs.Teacher calling me about you did not want to hurt my feelings that kids were making fun of you that I was white? He said no it's not that.. I said well sweetie what is it cause i wont be mad that your embarrassed of me that I'm white and your not? He said I cant tell you cause you always take things personal and it will hurt your feelings, I said well I'll try not to be
hurt and try not take it personal but he had to tell me how he felt?
he said he preferred to no longer call me his mom cause I'm not his mom
that he would feel more comfortable like that. honestly I was stunned.
I said well if you recall it was you that asked CPS to bring you back to us after you were reunited back with your parents and it was you that asked us to adopt you and we talked about this alot before we adopted you and we kept asking you are you sure that you want us to be your forever family. He said yea but he just did that to have a safe place to live and he knew that we loved him. I told him yea that we love him very much and if he felt more comfortable not calling me mom any more then that was fine that he could call me what made him feel comfortable. I know RAD will show it's face now and then but I'm exhausted of trying to make him feel like were family. He is 14 and we have had him since he was 10 years old. I'm not mad but I am hurt and I will keep trying but it seems like loving him is not want he wants.
Would it be wrong for me to say ok, since you dont want me to be your mom and not be my son then I need to take that xbox and TV out of your room because real moms want to make there sons happy and give them what they want. I dont think our love matters to him so why keep trying... He refuses therapy, CPS had him in therapy for 2 years dealing with fear and trauma and said he will not
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I've had time to think this through and spoke to him about it again, I told him yesterday that I love him no matter what and if he does not want to call me mom that that was fine but that I will refer to him as my son because you are my son no matter what, that we chose to adopt him because we love him and wanted him to be our son. I know he is going through a hard time right now trying to find out who he is as a black young man
and being a teenager is tough. me being white and raised in a Biracial family my self, my mother came from Germany had five young white german daugthers who married An AA soldier, all his AA family is all we knew and they were family. So I had a hard time understanding how he felt But its different with him because he is an older adopted child and things are quit different.
I get it. I think what we need to do is find other adoptive parents who adopted AA children who are white..
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How old is your son? My 16 year old went through this phase when he was 15 where he continually challenged our relationship. Honestly, for the first month or two when he was doing this -- I was HURT and did the whole sit down lets have a chat, I love you blah blah blah business. And you know -- all that did was feed it for him. I don't know if it was as separation issue, or a identity issue or an insecurity issue but finally I changed my approach - and that is what he NEEDED me to do. After talking to his counsellor - I got tough. Next time he pulled out the "your not my real mother" line (regarding adoption, being black, me being white) I said (firmly) to him that NOTHING you says changes the reality that I am your mother. Your feelings will never change how I feel and nothing you say or do will ever change the reality that I AM your family and I will ALWAYS love you and you will ALWAYS be my son. Period. So quit being an idiot. I didn't act hurt, didn't act like his words had any power, or the ability to manipulate or change how I acted. And once I did that - he simply stopped and RELAXED. He needed to know that no matter what his scary thoughts were, how angry he was, how bad he was -- no matter WHAT my feelinsg wouldn't change. He didn't have that control over me. He could scream that I wasnt his real mother and I could simply look at him and smile and say Yes I am and nothing you say will ever change that. And he needed to know FOR SURE he was part of our family -- and that is what allowed him to move past that phase and become secure in his (totally normal) separation as he grows up.I would say to him - you can call me whatever you want in your head but in this house, I am your mother. And if you expect to have the benefits of being a son in our family (allowance, sports, rides, help with homework, food etc) then you will refer to me with respect. I am "mom" here - you don't have to like it but I AM your mother and I deserve to be treated with respect. Using the teacher is a classic triangulation -- lets see how much we can embarrass mom. Let's see if I can get some sympathy from my teacher (my son did the same thing with his principal - who luckily was my friend) while pushing my mom away and seeing how she reacts. Be tough - be strong and dO NOT give him the power to control your feelings. I think his behavior is pretty classic for teenage adoptees, particularly older adopted ones.
Thank you for responding to my tread, I've been reading
your blog for some time now and I just love it.
My son has been with us for almost five years now and he is 14 yrs old, this was the first time he has said anything like this to me, and it was first shoock and then hurt. he has called me mom from time to time since then I think it just slips out cause he's always called me mom, in fact when he first came to us in foster care he wanted to call me mom but I had to tell him that his parents were working hard in getting him back and I did not want to confuse his little 4 year old sister to not address me as mom until we knew he would be ours forever. his little sister was returned but he chose to remain with us due to safety/fear issues he had . I stood my ground on who I was and things have seem to lift alittle. my going to his school and had lunch with made his AA peers to call him names and this is what stemed from not wanting to call me mom.. Again thank you so much for responding I consider you celebrity..
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