The other half...

Let me be more specific. I'm not trying to sabbotage him before he can sabbotage me. He said I would have aborted DS if it hadn't been for him agreeing with adoption. I'm not sure why he believes that. I have always been anti and have always been very vocal about it. Long before DS.He also doesn't understand why I am having a hard time right now since adoption was what I wanted.Its mean and unhealthy for DS to hear "you woulda been aborted." And a <<blank>>ing lie for BF to act like a hero by basically saying to DS that he would have been aborted if it weren't for his intervention. What a creep! It was my body. It was my choice to go through with the pregnancy. BF didn't have to sign the TPR - it was after DS was born.My point is, BFs record (both criminal and parental) make him look less than perfect. So he seems to be throwing me under the bus to make up for his shortcomings.Quite honestly, I know the truth and the good Lord knows the truth. I just want DS to know it, too. Most importantly, I don't want DS to get hurt.So while I want to wait to contact him, I don't want BF to step in and hurt DS while I am holding back. I wonder if it would be worth contacting the aparents.What would you do?

I'm not a BM, but I have had 2 parents who were forever playing this game; make themselves look better by pointing a finger at the other. it taught me one thing... There's no way to tell who the "worse" person is. Ultimately, the one to respect is the one who takes the high road. if you can talk, in "I" statements about your reality, that can help. But be super cautious when mentioning his view of reality. good luck

I'm not trying to play a game. I am trying to not get sucked into playing his game. If it comes to telling DS why, I will tell him I can only tell him why I chose and not why BF did. And I have vowed to myself that I will take the higher road and won't bash BF. But its not fair that BF is bashing me. Slandering me. And its not right for him to lie. So, do I just sit back and let him? And hope DS figures it out? And hope it doesn't destroy any opportunity I will ever have at reunion?

If you aren't ready for reunion, then you shouldn't open that door of contact at all. Not even an inch. If I were contacted by one or the other only for the purpose of being "warned", I think I'd be hurt in a way & hurt for my/our child. It's not about the battle of "he said vs. she said" when it comes to contact, reunion and relationships, kwim? It's not my business what goes on between the two of you. I would rather make my own determinations of both of you when the time is appropriate & would be telling 'our' child the same thing. If you don't want DS hurt and have his best interests in mind, then be careful of opening the door of contact only to close it again. That will hurt too, imo. It sounds like bdad is just venting on facebook which won't likely affect ds.

Well, I guess its better to just ignore him. And if he talks to DS before me, hopefully he will judge us for who we really are. I do have to wait. Obviously, I have some anger toward BF that I need to work through. I was also trying to be nice and help BF send a letter to DS, but then he went and did that. If you can imagine, that was pretty hurtful. Maybe other bmoms would understand. Regardless. I won't be speaking to or helping BF again.

Can you be sure your ex will even contact your son? How old is your son now? I guess while I'd be concerned about it, I wouldn't automatically assume it is going to happen. And you will only end up calling more attention to yourself if you try to "pre-empt" any badmouthing that might (or might not) occur. I think it would be best to work through your issues so when/if you do reunite, you will be the kind of person you want to be. If your ex does attempt to get to your son first and badmouth you, your actions and accomplishments will speak for themselves. I woudn't get in the middle of this. Let your ex dig his own grave. If he comes across as unstable as you are describing him, your son and his parents will figure it out soon enough.

When all is said and done, you have no control of what your child's birth/first father says or does not say, especially in terms of why the two of you made the decision to relinquish. Chances are pretty good that the father has his own version of the entire pregnancy/birth experience, which may be very different from how you experienced the whole thing. I worried about the same thing, that my son's father would put all the blame and responsibility onto my shoulders and get off scott-free. Although I was madly in love with this guy...and had been since the age of 14...the truth of the matter is he simply disappeared at a time when both his unborn child and I needed his help and support. He did what so many men of the Baby Scoop Era did -- bragged about his virility while completely evading his parental responsibilities. He simply ran the other way when it came time to step up to the plate. In the end, I did set up a face-to-face meeting between father and son. I think Mike agreed to meeting our son mainly to get me off his back. He knew me like the back of his hand, and he knew my tenacity and stubborn streak. My son wanted to meet him...and was ready to meet him...and Mike knew I wasn't going to let him off the hook until he at least took that much responsibility. To Mike's credit, he handled his end of the story in a very respectable, honest fashion. He simply explained to our son that circumstances (i.e., our parents) had not been favorable for us to keep and raise DS. What I worried about more than what Mike might have said were the things my own family members, specifically my mother, would tell my son. She went behind my back to meet my son, with my brother's help. I was not invited to the family dinner the night the two of them met...and god only knows what she really told him. By that point in time, I had told my son that he may or may not hear some sort of drama from my more dysfunctional family members. The only thing I asked of him was that he come to me if he heard anything that disturbed him. I told him that we all have our own versions of what really happened, but if he had any questions or if he felt caught in the middle, then he needed to talk to me about what was going on. In the end, I worried needlessly. My son saw through his grandmother right off the bat and decided to keep his distance from her and from a couple other very dysfuctional family members. What I learned from that experience was to trust in my son's own judgment. He knew enough about life by that point to understand that if something sounds fishy, chances are it is.

I guess I am more ticked off than anything that he was having this "behind my back" discussion on someone's FB wall. I mean...private message each other please. You just don't say stuff like that about other people in a public or partially public forum. You all make good points. Take the high road. Let BF dig his own grave. Trust DS's own judgment. But yes, I do think he will try to contact DS. I had hoped to wait a few years. Personally, I don't think it's a good idea for me to ever speak to BF again, but I think that having to deal with him lately is another part of the healing process and part of "working on myself". Maybe BF is just trying to think back 19 years and remember what happened. He remembers it his way and I guess I remember it mine. Being the pregnant one in the situation, I think my perspective is a little different though.Oh well, I guess I will go back to my life with less drama now. I am still pretty ticked, but I will take the high road.

Peachy, Raven and I are bmoms, btw. I agree about not contacting him if you are not ready. Do be prepared that if his bdad contacts him, your bson may want to contact you. In terms of dealing with your ex - try writing him a letter telling him all the things you'd like to say to him. IMPORTANT: DON'T SEND IT! Read it aloud, like he's in the room and then tear it up. It's a technique for dealing with anger that works for some people. Then try to let it go so you don't get bitter about it. You can't change him, you can change yourself (not easily!).