Getting cold feet -- somewhat long

lena1967

October 7, 2011

I debated where to put this post. I'm hoping for some input from experienced parents.

My DH and I have two 4-year-olds. One is bio and one was adopted at 10.5 months. We have a really happy family and I love parenting my two kids.

However, both DH and I have felt very drawn toward having a third child. I in particular cannot seem to stop thinking about the idea. Due to my age (44), I have mixed feelings about taking on a newborn/infant at this stage of life -- not sure I have the energy.

Today in the mail I received the file of a child who would be 3 by the time we would bring him home (it will take about a year so our other two would be 5). He has a special need relating to vision. I was SO excited to open his file and read about him, and he is adorable. I was also relieved to see that his vision issues appear to be quite manageable.

But then I started getting cold feet about attachment issues. It didn't help that somehow my google searches on adopting preschoolers pulled up some nightmare stories about preschool-aged children with extreme RAD whose parents ended up disrupting the adoptions. This child was relinquished by his b-mom at 11 months -- it sounds like social services was involved but it's not clear if she sought them out or they investigated her. He has been in an orphanage since then.

I guess my real concern is seriously disrupting the happy family life we have now, and never getting it back. And if I don't have the energy for a newborn, do I have the energy for a sad, angry preschooler who will surely test my patience even if it is a fairly "easy" adjustment? Heck, my two current kids test my patience regularly and they are as attached and easygoing as can be.

Has anyone else experienced these doubts, and then gone ahead and adopted? Do I need to acknowledge that I'm at my limit and reconcile to having two kids? Would love to hear any thoughts. Thanks!

c.a

October 8, 2011

It is smart to think about it carefully. I always worry about it when parents fall in love with a child on paper and don't really think it through.

How much information can you get on this child? Can you find out what his history is before he was placed?

and remember that some issues may not show up for years. Our son was placed with us at 11 months. We were his second foster home. He was with his first foster home (a wonderful loveing family) from 4-11 months. He had always been a highly energetic boy. When he started school he was diagnosed with sensory processing issues - we had no idea that his charming energy and dare devilness was actually a symptom. It is treatable and manageable, but does take a lot of energy and attention from us. Sensory issues are very common in foster/adopted children.

and attachment issues are something to think about for any child - even if he is not rad - by the time he comes to you, he will have lost his whole world at least twice. That is a lot for a little brain to process and there will be healing needed.

As a foster parent - I'm not sure that I've ever had an "easy" adjustment for any of my kids. It typically takes months for us readjust our schedules and figure it all out.

Only you know whether you have the energy for another child. and if you are having doubts, is there somene you can talk to who will help you sort it out? Can you see a counselor for a few months?

Let us know how it goes. Good luck on your journey.