Made contact but now don't know where it's going

PS, I said I have emailed, but we have been emailing back and forth for the last couple of weeks. Thx!

Hi alessa831. My advice is to take it slow - painfully slow. I've been in reunion with my bdad for 7 months now and it has turned my world upside down. I would do it all over in a heartbeat, but I now understand when people say "take it slow". In the beginning it is so wonderful - exciting, all I could think about - but it got to be too much. I'm a pretty quiet and thinking type of person by nature and to have all the drama and feelings and (what felt like) pressure was too much sometimes. We are now in a "cooling off" phase and I'm actually ok with it now - took me 3 weeks of crying to be ok with it, but I am now seeing that it is needed...for both of us. Read as much as you can. Birthright is a great book. Read everything you can on this forum. Remember to take care of yourself and to breathe! I know it's hard and you want to just get in there and say everything you are feeling, but I've found that slowing down is better for everyone involved. I'm just thinking through my experience - and I'm sure others will chime in too - but know that what you are feeling is normal. Enjoy the ride - I totally get why everyone says it’s a rollercoaster ride now!!!

Hi Moonbeam, Thank you for your response. That's great advice. Each time she doesn't email back right away I panic for a day and then she eventually does respond. I have to let it happen for a bit rather than force it. It's amazing to me that I spent the vast majority of my life thinking this didn't matter to me at all. It explains so much (about other ways the feelings crept out without being recognized for what they were). Thanks!

What you are feeling is TOTALLY normal. I use to check my phone at least 100 times a day and would be overjoyed when I'd get a simple text. I still love it, but I'm learning that I have to live MY life right now - the one right in front of me - and not get so pigeon-holed into just focusing on the reunion. Hang in there - it will be quite a rollercoaster, but so, so wonderful. The book helped me a lot! Hugs.

I agree with all Moonbeam says, such good advice. I am 12 months in re-union with my bmom and am in my 40's. I too was overwhelmed by the concept I had spent most of my life convincing myself I didn't care and then when I met her I needed all this contact! I happily could have rung her everyday but agreed to a weekly call. Hard as it was I took it at her pace mostly. And I did find that the patience paid off over time. I waited long enough for her to tell me the answers to questions I never asked but wanted to. I learnt that as hard as it is for us it is way harder for them. Remember - they remember us babies and are faced with grown adults - whereas we always expected a lady of what ever age your parent is. It must be incredibly hard for them to grasp that. And it feels like they need time to age you, if that makes sense! Maybe see if you could call a little more often - would you mind if I called you next week? and when your hanging up tell her you'll ring in a fortnight and judge her response. Goodluck and we are here to help - thats how we all get through as well.

Wow, I totally get you - I have been in reunion for 8 months and felt like that for quite some time. I would freak out if I didn't hear from her. We are building a great relationship now and I trust her so I don't worry about her disappearing anymore. I hope yours turns out just as well. I agree about taking it slow, but I also think its okay to ask "Where would you like to see things go with us?" or "What are you hoping will come out of this?" to gage her feelings on things. If she is anything like my bmom, she will be happy to answer those questions and any others you have and will be honest. Questions and answers have popped up every few weeks in emails in our relationship and it has really helped us understand each other better. Sometimes you just need to put your heart out there and trust the other person! Not easy to do though!

Thank you all for the thoughtful and comforting responses. I am happy for you guys too that you had positive experiences. I cannot believe how much I care (I may say that a few more times). Thanks!

alessa831, I have been thinking about this thread and just thought I'd check in. How is everything going with your reunion? I can totally relate to your posts as, I, too, didn't think finding my birthfather mattered, but then I hit 40 and something just "clicked" and I had to know. It's been on emotional - so wonderful, so hard, so heartbreaking, but also so amazing - and I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. I can so relate to your comment about thinking I didn't care all of those years, but deep down I really did care; I was just too afraid to admit it. I think I've helped to heal some wounds for my birthfather too. We are "taking a break" right now (his family is not supportive of him having contact with me) but I hope and pray that we can make this work; he is a part of me and I am a part of him and I feel so blessed that I've gotten a chance to know him. (((Hugs.)))

I really appreciate being able to read what all of you have written in this thread. I am a 40 year old adoptee; my birthmother found me 5 months ago. I can relate to everything each of you has written. I had convinced myself that I did not care to find my birthmother and had convinced myself that it meant nothing to me. Once she contacted me the first time the wall I had built around everything related to being adopted and my birthmother came crashing down around me. I never would have dreamed that it ever would happen and I never imagined the feelings that I would have. Just like some of you said....... I would send an email and check my inbox 20 times a day for a reply. It has been a "rollercoaster" for sure. alessa831- I totally get what you said..... "I cannot believe how much I care". That part has really blown me away too. I am normally very restrained around people I don't know, but from about the 3rd time we talked it was like I had always known her. This may sound like a simple thing, but.... just sitting across the table and looking at someone that looks so much like me was REALLY strange for me, I found myself staring! I had never been around anyone (except my own kids) that looked like me before. Anyway that's my story and again I appreciate being able to hear about your experiences. It makes me feel like this ride is at least as "normal" as it can be. I will close with this...... I never sought out this experience, it has been a slow sometimes painful process, but I am glad it happened and would not change a thing.