Question re adoptive mothers of adult adoptees.

I am the aMom of a young adult adoptee. All of the things I heard and read about pretty much went out the window when I faced the truth (early on) about who my child's parents actually are and what that must mean to her. It became ridiculous to think that her adoption would not have deep meaning for her. I think I actually may have worried about it more than she did if that is possible. We made a huge effort to reunite her with her bfamily when she was 11 years old and that has worked out very well. My answer to you would be that, indeed many adoptive parents in functional families are deeply concerned about how our children are affected.

Cubby, I think it's great that you were so brave to do that for your daughter. The gap was always there for me, and although my aparents told me that I was adopted early on, we never discussed it, and certainly never spoke of my biological family. I had never even heard the term "birthmother" until I was in my 30's. I just thought it was supposed to be over and that was that. That's how it was treated. The reality is that there is no way for it to be that seemless and simple (for most people anyway) so not acknowledging it regularly and at appropriate times can make it a mysterious gap in the child's life. Perhaps it's a different era than it was in the early 70's when I was born. I do know my parents worried about it when I was very young, but as they lost the fear of my bmom asking for me back (I was born when that could happen), I think they convinced themselves that whatever issues I had were caused by something more typical. It would have been helpful to work on the actual issues through my teens and twenties rather than first considering it as a potential issue as a real adult away from my aparents. Thanks very much for responding, and good luck. Best,

I'm not a aparent, but I think some parents are very unaware. My adoptive mother decided to lie to me about being adopted and when I found out it is a topic that she will not achknowledge. She actually felt victimized when I found out the truth that I would want to know more about the circumstances. For her the topic is over and I am not allowed to discuss being adopted, nor talk about my biological family. She expected me to continue to live the "lie" of being her bio child even though I am a different race than her, and was treated very differently than her bio child. I refused to live the lie, so we are no longer in contact, it has been over 3 years now. My situation is different, I agree with your mom that some issues are issues no matter what, but adoption definitely has it's own set of concerns that are made a million times worse by not achknowledging them. Good luck. Have you tried posting in the adoptive parent forum?

Definitely a different era now than the 70's in terms of our education, knowlege and support in adoption. That said, there's just always going to be people who follow the "old school of thought" and don't discuss anything or think that anything could possibly be an issue, kwim? My dh was adopted in the 60's and his mother approached things differently than yours, so some of it can be a personality this and yet I still think overall the adoption community has come a long way in understanding the effects adoption has. Not just on the adoptee, but aparents & bparents too. My kids were all adopted from foster care so we had a lot of classes/education required before we could adopt. Much of it was about the child (adoptee) side. While there was a lot of focus of course on the abuse/neglect possibilities, they also covered a lot on the general adoption issue possibilities. They covered the grief cycle for example. The domestic infant adoption side doesn't cover as much education, but it's certainly not the norm for an aparent to be told today "Just raise them as if you gave birth to them and all will be fine!!!" Obviously there's an element of truth to that statement but overall, uh..no. Technology has brought a lot of changes too. We have sites like this now where people can talk to each other about things. If you read the aparent side, you'll see threads on "Is this an adoption thing or just a thing???" because a lot of us want to be sure we are allowing our kids to talk about things or share etc. It's not perfect today - but I think we've still come a long way from the 70's.:)

Another adoptee here...adopted in 1965. There is the whole nature vs. nurture thing, which so many people bought into, and still do. My own birthfather was adament about a child's developement into adulthood is all nurture until I showed up, and he saw, for himself, just how much nature was a part of us. There's also the blank slate theory, in adoption, that was popular for a while. Times have changed, it's true, but people sometimes don't change with the times. When I first had contact with my birthmother, I didn't tell my Afam either. It wasn't until I had actually met her, two years after contact, and we began to build a relationship that I finally shared it with my afamily. I was in my mid twenties, and I was really worried about telling them. When I contacted my bfather 16 years later, at age 40, I didn't tell anyone in my Afam, or Bmom's fam, iether, until he and I were going to meet. Yeah, having already been through one reunion, and muture older, and hopefuly wiser, I was still scared of what would happen when I broke the news. Keeping it to ourselves, as adoptees, is pretty common, for many, many reasons. Not really an answer to your question, but want you to know you aren't alone in the way you feel.

Just wanted to say thanks for the replies. I don't get on here regularly because of firewalls at work which prohibit access to forums, and nights are usually too hectic. Anyway, hearing others' thoughts is helpful. Thanks.