Better for Her (BM)?

Hmmm, hard to say. How long has it been since the drug charges? Do you know what her life is like now? I ask because I know many people who got off drugs and straightened their lives out. Judging them based on events twenty years past would result in an erroneous conclusion. In terms of whether losing you caused or contributed to her addiction issues. . ..perhaps. I know a LOT of firstmothers attempt to drive away their pain with substance abuse so it's very possible. It's also possible that she was a user before you were conceived. There's really no way to know without talking to her directly. Can you elaborate a bit on the timelines? And how do you know these things about here? What was your source?

Oh, and one more question: what are your goals for contact? You wrote that you don't want an in-depth relationship. What exactly do you want from her? Just information?

What is your goal for contact? If you want information, you are entitled to that, to tell her she made the right choice? You don't know anything about her other than what you have heard. Where did you hear it from? Are you sure it is true? I would be hurt if I was contacted for that purpose. I'm sure my first mom would be hurt if I had contacted her for that purpose, I just wouldn't do it.

I think most of us have committed criminal acts, we just haven't gotten caught. As a former cop, may I offer that many people I had to arrest weren't dirtbags, simply people who made bad decisions. Drugs usually compound those. My bmom had a rough time shortly after my birth. From what I know, criminal acts and drugs were involved (but no arrests). She straightened up in her mid-twenties and is a lovely person. People make mistakes, screw up, and are capable of change. Of course, if you don't want a relationship, then by all means, don't have one. Even if she was the world's most upstanding citizen, the choice is yours, and there is nothing wrong with not wanting one.

All of this info is from the Adoption Agency and I came to the forefront when searching for an alternative address after the first one on file showed no return. This was a closed adoption in 1979 and everything goes thru the agency until contact is made. According to the charge and timelines she would have done prison time and either just got out, is on probation, or could still be in. I DID want a relationship, friendship even, more than just letters, but this info is what has me calling that into question. My records indicated that she had searched for me several times but the laws in TX state that until I turned 18 and contact the agency nothing can be released. I received a copy of my de-identified adoption record that showed she was 15 when i was born (would now be 47) and has other kids, one full blood. I was willing the look past the 2 DUI's but the most recent possession charge says to me that she can't make good decisions may be just a bad person??? Although maybe I can help her emotionally get to a better place, at a safe distance....

Can you write her and use the agency as an intermediary? Also, I don't think someone is a bad person for doing drugs, but sometimes it causes them to do bad things. Alcoholics and drug addicts have an illness. But I get this sense that you want to help her recover, and I'm not sure you should go into this with that type of expectation of yourself. Only she can help herself. And I suspect reunion for her will be very emotional, especially since she has tried to look for you in the past. I think you should spend some time preparing yourself for a reunion, but also prepare yourself to deal with an addict. What do you expect from the reunion now that you know she has issues? Is it just to let her know you're okay? Or to develop a relationship with your sibling? Can you have a sibling relationship without having a relationship with your bmom?I'm sort of on the fence, because you don't want to open up Pandora's box, but you have a right to know your birth family. I guess take it slowly no matter what you do, prepare yourself ahead of time, and decide what your boundaries are before you do anything. If you think no contact until she's clean, then hold her to that. But be careful not to go into it thinking you will be the answer to addiction. That isn't fair to either one of you.

Well obviously there are different types of drug users, some addicts some recreational. It is possible she just made a dumb choice. Pandora's box is what I'm worried about. Yes, I can use the agency as a go between but will it just make everything worse? I don't want to "help an addict" per say... I just don't want to expose myself or my family to that. But if a small amount of contact will help her, I'd be willing to proceed. My instinct says it might but then when I withdraw or stick to letters only, she would probably have a negative emotional response leading to more bad drug use. Make sense?

Makes sense. Gosh, I don't know what to tell you. I think if you think you'll pullback, maybe you should wait until you have a better feeling about her situation. If you aren't sure that you want to reunite, maybe you shouldn't. I guess you need to be really honest with yourself about what you expect to gain by reuniting. I think we should always listen to our gut feelings.