Random question to those of u whose parents never knew about you placing yr child

No, I have never told my family. I lived with them until 30wks even and they never noticed(I was very tiny to be fair). Over a year later and still no one knows. I would like to keep it that way. I am not close with them and honestly do not consider them family as much as some other people in my life.

Hi Frosty, I think what I was trying to say is that if *you* (meaning an emom in general) were 1000s of miles away at the time and just about to give birth, would you have called your mother just beforehand even though you had no intention of telling her you were pregnant? I think the reason I am asking is that I have always assumed that when my bgrandmother told the newspaper that my bmom had called to say that she was having a great time sightseeing, working as a nanny and was planning on going on a cruise at the end of the year, I have never questioned that bgrandmother was telling the truth, and that my bmom was telling half truths (she definitely was working as a nanny for her host family and the rest was probably not entirely inaccurate) However, for some reason about a month ago, it suddenly struck me that my bgrandmother may have actually been telling an embellished story and that in fact, my bmom may have told her she was pregnant and my bgrandmother told her she couldn't bring the baby home. Before you think it is me just being fanciful, it actually doesn't bother me if she hadn't told her mother because I can understand her being too afraid to tell her mother based on what I have heard of bgrandmother. I think it was probably just hearing a few things from my youngest uncle about a few lies bgrandmother told about bmom at a later date about a later pregnancy that made me wonder if bgrandmother was lying to her friend at the newspaper (local correspondent was a friend), and also from her cousin about the uneasiness of the mum/daughter relationship in the late 60s/early 70s even though in many ways mum and daughter were *close*. Of course, it is not important in the grand scheme of things but as I said earlier, it is like a detective novel. So what I was asking was, is it likely that an emom who had no plans to tell her mum she was pregnant call her a few days before she gave birth just to tell her how her "holiday was going". I have always assumed it was because she was worried about dying. It is just that if it were that her mother rejected her, it does put a different spin on a few things later in my bmom's life and weirdly some things may make more sense if her mum did know but banned her from bringing baby home. I would be hurt if bgrandmother did do that. As I said, it doesn't worry me either way, it makes no different to my life and of course, with her having passed away, it obviously makes no difference there. It is just for my own personal interest. I still tend to think bgrandmother was telling the truth but just thought I'd get the opinion of others. Hope the above made some sort of sense lol.

Hi Caths! It's not quite the scenario you present but perhaps my experience will help. My family knew I was pregnant but I left home and went across 2/3rds of the continent to have my son. I didn't want any of them--especially my mother--anywhere near me during that time. The sole exception was when I ended up in the hospital with premature labor at 6.5 months. The medication to stop the labor made me gravely ill, I was in the hospital more than a week while they tried to both stop labor and ease my bad reaction to the drug. By the third day of hospitalization I was frightened out of my mind. I felt terrible, I was terrified he would be born too early, I was completely alone. That was the only time I spoke to my mother from the time I left home until a year after my son was born. I wanted my mom, I needed my mother to ease my pain and chase away my fear and tell me everything was going to be okay. It was a need born of desperation and terror and an ungodly sickness. I can easily see your mother feeling that way, desperate for comfort from the one person who should've stood by her. I can see your mother calling just to hear her mother's voice even if that voice said nothing to comfort or heal. It's hard to explain, I hope at least some of that made sense.

Thanks, Hummer, for sharing your experience. That is what I sort of felt that she must have felt to some extent. Just out of interest, if you had called your mum and she hadn't known, do you think you would have been able to keep from telling her about your pregnancy? With your mum knowing you were pregnant, it would have at least meant that you could have shared your actual fear of what you were going through but my bmother would have presumably called just to hear her mum's voice without ever being able to say why. That is why I did wonder (and as I said it is only a recent "wonder") whether in fact she might have spilt the beans. Again, it is only because of things some relatives said about how she handled my bmom's later pregnancy. Again, it is not important in the grand scheme of things but I suppose I just like to get things clear in my head. Anyway, I appreciate your answer Hummer and it did help at least envisage how my bmom must have felt.

Hmmmm, could I have kept the secret? Not under those particular circumstances, I don't think. The medical issues were hard to hide, KWIM? Machines beeping in the background, nurses, etc. Your mom must've been one tough lady to go through all that and still keep her agonies to herself. My hat's off to her. Unless you can ask her mother yourself, it might remain a mystery. Her mother may have suspected something, she may have come out with it in a moment of fear and need, or she may have kept her own counsel. It's hard to say. Shoot me an email and tell me what the relatives are saying. Maybe I'll read it differently? Any time, my friend. Any time.

(((((Frosty))))) Just wanted to give you a cyber-hug.

Caths, Honestly, I kept talking to my parents up to a week before I gave birth, I didn't lie to them, but didn't talk about what was actually going on with me. I will say that the week that I gave birth and the week after I was in a state I couldn't talk to them, I knew they would figure out things were wrong and I didn't want them to ask me about it or start worrying about me, so I avoided them.

I didn't tell anyone in my family until after the papers were signed and things were done. I didn't need their feelings when I had already judged myself so much that hearing their thoughts probably would have just crushed what little will I had to go on. I gave my Amom my sisters number and told her if anything happened to me to call and say that I had a blood clot. While not totally honest the last thing I wanted was for my mother to ever get custody of my son. It's hard to fight for custody of someone she doesn't know exists.

Oh ok, I get what you are saying. I lived in a different state when I was pregnant but even though I am very distant with my family we talked once a month or so while I was pregnant. I think we talked a few days before my scheduled c-section and I never mentioned anything. Since our calls are not frequent there was never any wondering why we didn't talk while I was in the midst of the hospital, NICU and placement. He was born October 7th and I did go home for Thanksgiving. I really just do not feel close enough to my family at all to share this with them. Our relationship is a very surface relationship so just like I wouldn't tell a co-worker who I was only friends with at work, I feel the same way about my family. I never thought about telling them during the last phone call I had with them before he was born. It never crossed my mind too. I don't know...I get a lot of crap for choosing not to tell my family from certain friends that know. Oh well, I feel comfortable in the decision I made not to tell them.

Hi Racilious - haven't seen you around for a while! Nice to hear from you :) What you said in your second paragraph was what I had been wondering: that is, if she knew she was about to give birth, could she have talked to her mum so close to her time without wanting to "spill the beans" which made me think that perhaps she had and she was rejected. Having just said that, your first paragraph about calling your mum up to a week before the birth actually reminded me that in fact I wasn't due for another 9 days so perhaps when my bmom did call her mum, she didn't realise that her baby's birth was so close, so possibly she was just "checking in" and not feeling stressed because she thought she still had a little while to go.

Thanks for your perspective, Jillie. I don't think that my bgrandmother would have applied for custody as that would be showing to the world that an illegitimate child existed. I might try to summarise in another post what I thought everyone's thought processes were. Frosty, I think my bfamily were quite close - I am not sure of exact relationship with her mum (uneasy but loving?) but she adored her dad and her brothers. I've often got the impression that in families where there is one daughter and lots of sons that there can be higher expectations on the daughter and feel that that played a role as well.

Just a summary of my latest thought processes. My assumption up to recently has always been that if the bgrandparents had ever found out that my bmom was pregnant, that they would have told her it would be OK to bring the baby home and that she would have done so and looked after her child herself (she was perfectly capable to caring for children - her own baby brothers and also she was working as a nanny for her "host family") - this is based on things uncles have said. However, after talking to 2nd cousins and another uncle, I have lately wondered whether in fact if my bgrandmother had found out, whether she would have ever been accepting about her daughter bringing her child home, that in fact, she may have been so appalled about her daughter having an illegitimate child that she may in fact have been more likely to say something along the lines of "there is no way you are bring your little bastard home". I have always also felt that my bmom felt her mother wouldn't be accepting of her bringing a child home but have never been sure whether this is due to her own intuition about her mum, a view encouraged by her agency or just a general view about what she had heard/read about other girls in a similar position. I think my uncles think my bmom's fear of what her mother might have said was misplaced and I suppose I have believed that they were probably right - i.e. that my bmom was scared of telling her parents but needn't have been. They seem to think that bgrandma might have been initially shocked but got over it and I've always assumed that they are right since they obviously know their mum. I think my thing was that if she had been in the above position where she felt too scared to tell her mum, would she have risked calling her mum just before birth - as Racilious pointed out, she might have felt very emotional and it might have been hard to stop the truth slipping out - which did make me wonder whether in fact the truth might have slipped out and her mum told her in no uncertain terms that bringing a baby home would bring shame to the family. However, as I also said above to Racilious, it only just struck me that in fact she probably felt she had 2 weeks to go and that the prebirth jitters may not have hit her yet. Perhaps also the fact that she called at Easter was of significance for other reasons (because perhaps it was a time when everyone would have been at home?) and she had no fear of anything but just wanted to speak to her family in general - the timing being coincidental (i.e. even if she hadn't been pregnant, she might have called at Easter). Anyway, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I suppose I just sometimes get the impression that possibly some of my bfamily members feel that their sister/aunt/cousin made a choice between family and unborn baby and that family "won out" and suspect that they pity me a bit because that. I do think it is a lot more complicated than that and that there would have been many factors that lead to her not telling her mum but it is why I wish I knew more about the situation than I do. However, I have to accept that I don't, don't I, and that is that - I just have to "get over it". Anyway, I do feel that the bfamily seem to like me for myself and I like them very much too so I should just concentrate on the future :)

Hey Caths, I needed a break from forums, but I was here one day and couldn't resist your post... I will say this, you may never know what your mother went through or what her reality was when she had you. However I must say that in my case if anyone said I picked my family over my child I might punch them. I absolutely love my family, but if I could have raised my son without their support knowing they would never talk to me again I would have done it. Today, I know if it is a choice between them in my life and him I choose him. I know from the outside people might think I chose to place my child and not tell my parents because I wanted to maintain my relationship with them, but for me no matter whether I told my parents or not, it wouldn't have changed my reality and instead would have left me without a child and without my family's support. I hope you can find more of what you're looking for, even if you don't get all the answers you want.

Hi Racilous, First of all, this bit: "it wouldn't have changed my reality and instead would have left me without a child and without my family's support" is what I've tended to feel was her situation, i.e. she felt in her heart that her mum would not support her and so didn't take the risk as she knew it was a choice between - having no baby/having her family and having no baby/having no family - no choice really. I did a thread on this once: [url]http://forums.adoption.com/communication-between-birth-parents-adoptees/383866-too-great-risk-take-bmother.html[/url] Do you think that thread makes sense? I think some relatives feel though that her mum would have been OK about it and that they feel she should have realised that. From my own observation from talking to various relatives (uncles, 2nd cousins), I think that my bgrandmother wouldn't have been as forgiving as they think and that my bmom really did genuinely feel that her bgrandmother would not have supported her bringing her child home. I do think most of my relatives understand how difficult it must have been for my bmom because they know themselves that being the sort of a person she was that not being able to parent her own child would have devastating and knowing they feel that helps a lot :) I know that I will probably nver know the full story but am finding that the more I learn and the more I get to know bfamily, the more things help.